Killing Albert Einstein by Tim Ratcliffe (trojan) - Short, Horror - A young couple experience a night they'll never remember when summoned by an eccentric genius to an old, abandoned house. - pdf, format 8)

Guess everybody's after Steven hawkins these days. Got some chuckles from this. Especially his "vroom,vroom" line. I always like your pisstakes Tim, because their above average. 'Nother fine one here. At least it had a story with a bit of a twist to it.

Good work.

James

Tim,

This was amusing. Your take on Hawking was funny, but funny in a I feel guilty laughing way.

Not really much to say other than I enjoyed it. Good writing as well. I recall reading one of your earlier scripts and the difference in quality is huge.

Thanks James and Andrew for the comments, always appreciate your thoughts.

Quoted from Andrew Not really much to say other than I enjoyed it. Good writing as well. I recall reading one of your earlier scripts and the difference in quality is huge.

Of all the scripts I've written this was probably the one I put the least amount of thought and effort into. Only because I'd had a hectic week and just had a few hours on the final day to try and scrap something together. I actually thought about giving up at around 5am when my brain refused to cooperate. So maybe there's something to that, I might try a few more scripts when I'm sleep-deprived and see if my work improves. :D Thanks for the read.

Cheers,
Tim.

I stopped reading about halfway through.  These scripts are supposed to be horror and people are still doing pisstakes.

FWIW, I didn't think the jokes were funny.


Phil

Ha-ha.  Hilarious.   Origininal.  Wrong genre, though.  Gotta deduct 4 points.

Good job, Tim.

What, no alias on this pisstake?  Brave man, Tim  ;D.   Had some pretty funny moments, although I was waiting for Einstein to show up.  Misleading title!  I think you could have done more with this crazy concept of yours.  

Funniest line was "Guess I forgot to carry the one."  I have no problem with these p-takes, but I do wish this was a couple pages shorter.

Ryan

Tim,

Pisstake or not, horror or gruesome comedy, I liked this! Kind of convoluted but very creative.

Gary

I stopped reading this after two pages. It was a pisstake.

I mean, what kind of MORON would write a script about Stephen Hawking? It just did not make sense, I mean it was supposed to be a horror and yet it had jokes! It hurt my brain, does not compute. Horror and humour does not mix, did you guys not learn anything from Shawn of the Dead? That thing was a flop.

Nothing good here at all, I mean come on! There are still loads of untapped ideas in the killer gets his revenge genre, you just did not try to be original here. Shame on you.

----

Actually this was great, Although pissed you stole my idea, I love the premise about Hawking going back in time to kill Einstein, that my friend was inspired. The rollercoaster was funny.

Overall a great little parody, I enjoyed it.

Murphy, take a Pamprin, will you?


Phil

Damn, the first OWC without one of my pisstakes!! Actually I did one before i did Cleansed, sent it in but Don said he's put it up after the challenge. I guess we could only have one entry.

Tim, great stuff here! Ok, so its a pisser and not really horror but, hey, its entertaining, like Cornie and Murph's.

Loved how she kept sinking the slipper into the bodies...

I think the OWC should be 70% horror -- 10% comedy -- 10% suspense.  I think I missed the mark myself, but some of these OWC scripts are coming in ass backwards. This was kind of funny, though.  And, it kind of met the requirements so I can't say much else here because it was a parody and little horror.  

Clever writing.

That was too much.  Stephen Hawking is apparently in this Halloween.   I can just see all the kids wheelchairing their way around the neighborhood and saying "Trick or Treat" with computerized voices.  Just makes you want to hide and not answer the door, doesn't it?

Good work.  I liked it.

Tim,

Best handjob line of the contest!
Good on you for weighing in for the OWC!
This definitely made me grin here and there.
Your script flowed well and nothing bad tripped me up or stood out.
I spent the day at Six Flags yesterday, it was a trip to read about rollercoasters this morning!
You managed to stick to the rules and I appreciate that while you're clearly having a laugh.
I was expecting Einstein to come into it at some point, alas, still a fun read.
Thanks for posting!

Regards,
E.D.

HaHa!  Good stuff, Tim.

I agree it went on too long and wasn't very funny the majority of the time.  IMO, if you're going the pisser route, you need to do 1 of 2 things...either go for broke and make it constantly funny and way over the top, or go for broke and write it as piss poor as you can, which to me can be quite funny.  This was neither...but it was well thought out and funny in enough places.

One thing I want to point out to you (and a ton of other writers) is that when you use someone's name in dialogue, chances are very good that there will be a comma in front of the name.  People routinely don't understand this, and at times, it can make the read either confusing or funny.

Good job!!!!

Thanks to everyone for the reads and comments. It was pretty rushed so in the end wasn't as funny as it could have been. But at the same time I did try to meet the challenge requirements and have an actual story here, so I didn't go totally over the top with it.

Couple people mentioned about Einstein making an appearance. I thought about that but with the 3 actors limitation decided it wouldn't work.

Thanks Jeff for the pick-up on the lack of commas before names, I was writing this while half-asleep so dropped the ball a bit here with some of my punctuation.

Cheers,
Tim.

Quoted from Ryan1 What, no alias on this pisstake?  Brave man, Tim  ;D.

Cheers Ryan, I thought about an alias but Rob Grotnick was alredy taken so went with my own name.  ;)

Cheers,
Tim.

Tim,

Well, I laughed so you accomplished what you set out to do.  Subtle humor and it worked good.  If the OWC was sci-fi-comedy I think this would be one of the better ones.  The thing is, this could also have worked well as a horror.  Say they go back in time, kill Einstein, come back to present day, and the Nazis rule the world or something.  Even though this was a piss script the concept is still intriguing.  

So...a job done.

Greg

LOL, I had a great time reading this. This was fun, good horror comedy. You're always good at comedy, Tim.

I think what works is the tone you set and keep consistently throughout the entire script. You never took the haunted house thing too seriously and it shows that you had fun writing it, too.

The characters are so well-defined and goofy that I have to like all of them, despite all the killings, which are comedic in nature as well.

I didn't get why Mandy got back to like an hour ago when Hawking said the chair will transport them back to 1879. But whatever, it just did, just like how the knife and ax appear out of nowhere. Haha.

I really enjoyed it.

Herman

Quoted from Coding Herman I didn't get why Mandy got back to like an hour ago when Hawking said the chair will transport them back to 1879. But whatever, it just did, just like how the knife and ax appear out of nowhere. Haha.

Thanks for the comments Herman, glad you enjoyed it.

As for your question above, I mentioned that Mandy was playing with some dials or something on the chair. This was meant to be the setting for the time to travel to, but I might not have made it clear enough. But at the same time I didn't want to show it explicitly because I wanted it to be a bit of a surprise when she turned up back at the start of the story.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hello Tim,

I didn't really like this piss take.  I prefer Zombotard to this one.

It went on longer than it should and this is why I think the jokes didn't work for me.  I think it would be funnier to have the rollercoaster as part of the house like those rides on top of skyscrapers.

The last word of dialogue should be Stephen.

You'd get more points if you wrote Doole instead of McDooley as it's my second surname, my irish name at that.

All the best,


Javier

Awesome mate, absolutely loved it.