To Know by James Williams (jwent6688) - Short, Horror - The adulterous wife of a psychotic crime boss learns a few things about death when he sends her and her lover on an errand. - pdf, format 8)

This was an interesting read.  I thought the characters were fresh and different from all the others that I read from these scripts.  Pretty well developed.  

It was a quick and easy read.  One small problem I had with it was that Norman came off like a stuck record, repeating the same line over and over again.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe One small problem I had with it was that Norman came off like a stuck record, repeating the same line over and over again.

Then I accomplished my goal! I wanted him to be a bit crazy and annoying so it would be believable as to why Derek shot him so fast. He couldn't stand him either.

Thanks for reading. Glad you liked it mostly.

James

This would be a great short film.   You should expand it into a full-length feature.

A+ for originality.  Not much else to say.  I liked it.

Good, fast read.  Very tight, economical style that I like.  Creative set up with the philandering wife who doesn't know she's gonna get it.  I like the use of the house almost as a character in itself.  Limited page space, I know, but I would have liked to have known a bit more about Norman and why Zucker needed him dead.  I know he talked to the DA, I just wish you shed a little more light on that aspect of the script.

The ending was okay, but I guess I was hoping for more of a twist.  Anyway, great job James for an OWC.

Ryan

James,

Great job. Now that I know you were going for Norman being annoying on purpose (of course, I suspected that... right.) I appreciate it better. I was a bit befudded why Norman was there but I reread it. Got it. Good style you got going here!

Six days, Cool.

Gary

Quoted from Ryan1 The ending was okay, but I guess I was hoping for more of a twist.  Anyway, great job James for an OWC

Damm! I guess I missed my mark. Was sure everybody would buy that Anette was going to starve/dehydrate to death in the house. I thought when she got out and finds Zucker has different plans for her,  it would surprise most. Tried to set that up early on with Jimmey story getting thrown into a cellar full of bees. Taking six days to die.

Thanks for reading Screen, Michael. Was waiting for you to complain about the profanity. Was planning on answering it with some more.

@ Gary, You may be the first to read one of my scripts twice. I thank you, thank you.
Glad you liked it.

James

Hi James. Not much more to add to my original comments as a pre-read!

Nice effort, good pacing, it stuck to the rquirements. One of the best so far!!

stevie

PS - THE NINERS FINALLY WON A GAME - WOOHOOO!!!

Hello! Before I say anything else, let me tell you that there is a typo on the very first paragraph of thr script. "It's windows" should be "Its windows." Okay, moving on:

Your writing is not bad, that being said, I do belive it ocassionally missed a few important details -- being perfectly descriptive sometimes, and not being descriptive enough other times. You say Derek "starts kicking the boards," for example, but you never follow through with it and the next time after his dialogue he's at the front door shooting at it.

You kind of broke the rules, too; you had four characters instead of three. And although Zucker is never seen, his role is still rather substantial.

--Julio

Quoted from ReaperCreeper You kind of broke the rules, too; you had four characters instead of three. And although Zucker is never seen, his role is still rather substantial.

"Limitations: You only have three human actors - two male and one female. (adults who can play between the ages of 18 to 80). "

Was ready for this, kinda. Never said Zucker was human. Muhahaha......

Sincerely thanks for reading. Will find yours if I haven't already...

James

Hi James,

Thought this was more fun than horrific but it was entertaining.
I'll admit to being a little confused by the ending at first because I went by the slug "the next day" and not six days later. Maybe showing signs of Derek and Norman decomposing would have helped. I'm assuming Annette pulled the trigger. Perhaps I have all this way wrong!

Malc

Very suspenseful and thus intriguing. I breezed through it and was done in five minutes.

I did not understand the ending. don't know what happened to her in the end, he did say "did you miss me" but he's sick, I can't know the exact meaning of this, can I... I have a vague understanding... - thinking she went back to the house to spent the rest of her six days there.

No explanation to how he does it but somehow I did not miss the explanation that much.  

James,

Congrats on completing the one week challenge!
This was a smooth read for me. Your technical skills are solid.
I dig the dialogue, but was a bit put off by the ending.
The climax fizzled instead of sizzled. I wanted more affair stuff.
The phone calls seemed a bit convenient, no real tension going on here.
The characters are lively, which is an accomplishment for a short.
The wheelchair guy didnt have much to do but be a bit crazy.

Good job, but I prefer your characters and action to your plot.
Extra credit for having a less traditional setup for your script. Thanks for posting!

Regards,
E.D.

Fantastic formating and the writing was pretty sharp 85% of the time.  There were a few instances that missed the mark, but it's all preference at the end of the day.  I don't believe, since we never see Zucker, that you broke a rule here.  I did something similar using VO work in my script.

It reminded me of a more entertaining Ring in some ways.  The characters were all nicely brought to light and the story came to a head in a satisfying conclusion.  I don't like everything spoon fed to me and I often like to draw lines myself.  I did that a few times with this script.

Good entry to say the least.

SPOILERS

I thought you achieved real tension in the plot and even though the characters are not especially likable the audience would likely care about what's going to happen to each of them -- and there's a true feeling a horror regarding Annette's fate.

The voice on the phone and the dreadful building seem like extensions of the same character, making the captive 3 seem all the more vulnerable, subject to some nightmare outcome.

Good job -- and I'm sorry I posted my original comments in the wrong space.
C

Hey James, congrats on completing an OWC script.

I have to start with a pet peeve of mine.  I really don’t know what it is, but every once and a while, I come across a script in PDF form that looks like it’s a poor copy made from a poor copy.  It’s hard to “move” within the script.  The font looks weak and washed out, and because of the difficulty moving around within the script, it’s a tough read for me right off the bat.

Does anyone know why this is?  I see it’s written in Final Draft, but all FD PDF’s don’t look or act like this one.  Just wondering.

OK, back to the script…sorry about that…

First line is poorly worded, and as RC pointed out, “It’s” is incorrect.  Not a strong start, I’m afraid, bud.  The line about Derek exposing a gun is incorrectly phrased, as Derek isn’t exposing anything…it’s the view and the position he’s in that exposes the gun.

Ah, fuck it.  I’m messing with you, James.  I’m not going to pick this apart.  Just fucking around…

On a serious note, tons and tons of missing commas everywhere, to the point where I have to reread some lines, which isn’t a good thing.

Way too much “he”, “she”, “they” going on that is unclear and again, causes me to reread to make sure I know who you’re referring to.
This isn’t bad, though.  The story is OK.  It’s a typical horror cliché, but it works for the most part.

The ending doesn’t work for me, though.  I really don’t understand what it’s supposed to mean.

A good effort for the OWC, James.  Good job.

Quoted from Scoob I'll admit to being a little confused by the ending at first because I went by the slug "the next day" and not six days later. Maybe showing signs of Derek and Norman decomposing would have helped. I'm assuming Annette pulled the trigger.

Scoob, thanks for reading. Guess i didn't set up the ending well enough. I see Jeff didn't get it either.

it was the next day. Annette thought she was going to be locked in that house til she died of starvation. When she learns her fate, she pretends like she's giong to change it by killing herself. Right then, Once free'd she realizes that when Zucker and he goons show up and find her, that he is going to kill her in some slow, methodical way. Like that story Derek told her in the beginning. He locked some guy in a cellar with honey bee's. took him six days to die.

Hope that helps, thanks for reading.

@ Khamanna, thanks for reading. Glad you liked it. Hope above explanation helps some.

@ ED, thanks for the read. May try to rework this one. Everyone seems to have a problem with the ending. Cheers man.

@ balt, Thanks for reading man. I'm glad you liked it. Thought you were gonna get after me for putting my FADE IN: on the right. Ha ha, I know your a stickler for that. I left alot of ambiguity to the ending, thinking of rewriting this after OWC.


@ CAtherine, glad you liked it. Am a big fan of killing chracters you like. I just didn't see enough time to do it in 10 pages, so I made them unlikeable. Wass more about the situation for me.


@ Jeff, Thanks for reading. I use Final Draft 7. I like the look of it. It's a big file, Stevie said he had the same problem. How old is your PC. Saw some like this on here and the read fine on mine. There is a patch you can download @ FD that's overrides this. I just haven't done it cause I like the look.

Glad you liked it mostly. Maybe my response to Scoob above explains the ending a bit better. Will probably rewrite this without any OWC guidelinds and see if I can get it to flow better. Thanks, be reading yours when its up. Assuming a pisstake?

James

James, my computer is less than a year old.  It's got nothing to do with that.

I'm not sure what the deal is. This is by far not the only script (PDF) that looks and acts like this.

I bet someone on here knows what I'm talking about.  I'd really like to figure it out.

My entry hasn't been posted yet.  Some will call it a pisser, but actually, it's written very well.  It's just a very wacky horror parody, which is definitely more parody than horror.  I'm actually worried that I submitted the wrong version in my wastedness Friday night.  We'll see when it pops up.

Hi James,

I think what got me stumped about the ending was when Annette fades away - as if she's a ghost? Otherwise I followed the ending as you had planned, it was just that bit which left me feeling as if I'd missed something.

She really just dissapers from view inside that cloud of dust. Could have worded it better. Sorry. I couldn't show Zucker when he got out and approached her. Would be breaking the rules. Heading over to yours soon. Thanks again.

James

James, the left aligned FADE IN: comes from Final Draft's default setting... I use the software from time to time myself and love it -- But in order to reset the setting, which is default for some reason, you have to change FADE IN: from a "Transition" to a "General".  It'll place it within the same ledger space, only on the left instead of the right.  And, you're right, I don't like looking at it.  I just seen several scripts using it for the OWC and have stated it many times. ;)

And the PDF print out is what most Final Draft scripts look like.  They use a different font style for Final Draft scripts.  It's 12 pitch, just not Courier new  new.  It's Courier new Final Draft 12 pitch font.

James,

Think this was a really good effort.  I thought the story was sound and the writing was pretty good.  However, I also think the characters could have been a bit more defined.  

I know that is a function of space, so what I think is that this story might be a bit to big for the 10 pages it's contained within.   Oh, you tell it clearly enough, but a lot is lost because you tell it so quickly.  

Good job but would like to see this rewritten as a longer screenplay.

First up I want to jump to your defence because it is seriously annoying me to see comments about people having more than three characters.

The criteria states clearly that you can only have three actors, it says nothing about characters, it is possible to have a 100 characters and still meet the challenge. I am 100% that Don knew what he was doing when he set the challenge up and picked actors for a reason. As long as there are no more than three characters together in the same shot then I don't see an issue with the the same actor who played Norman also being the voice of Tucker.

Anyway, onto the review...

It was great, really nice job. I thought you did a decent job of setting things up, the two leads were at least fleshed out enough for me to want to carry on reading. In fact on that note this is the first OWC I have read so far that I actually wished was a feature, this happened on page 4 where I was at my most impressed. Obviously there is a 10 page limit so you had no choice but to cut to the chase from then on in, so any problems I have wih the story from here are certainly not the fault of the writer.

The ending was fine, I probably could have done without the reference to the guy and the bees, as that makes me think she is going back in the house. I would have liked the idea of her trying to live a normal life for the next 6 days wondering when it is going to happen.

I actually think there is a feature buried here somewhere.

Good job sir.

I really liked this, everything is well paced and suspenseful, I was at the edge of my seat. Especially the phone calling, albeit a little bit like The Ring.

All of the characters have their own agenda, not some random reasons going into the house. They act like what real people would do in those situations.

However, I don't understand the ending. What's supposed to be going on? So Annette got out and her husband sent people to kill her. But what about the six days thing? That ruined me a bit for an otherwise well done OWC.

Writing is crisp and visual. One of the best OWC entries.

Herman

1 - Story: That was pretty good. I enjoyed it.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily with a reasonably low budget. Big, abandoned, mansion on a hill would be a tough requirement, but... shoot with what's available.
3 - Horror & Audience: Eh... Kinda light on the true horror part. R rating for graphic violence and language (one of the better simultaneous utilizations). Abandoned house - check. Cast - check. Didn't burn it down - check. Dark and stormy night as a theme - eh... check, sorta. Didn't establish date. It was a complete short, not a scene or sequence, which is appreciated.
4 - Technicals & Format: Both are fine. Dialog is fine.
5 - Title & Logline: Title is okay. Decent enough logline.
General Comments:
A - This was more thriller/suspense with a supernatural element to it than horror, and I've no real idea on what to add, but I don't think you should.
B - I like how the story gets rolling kinda fast on page three and keep the pace of twists and turns going all the way to the end. Very nice.
C - It was fun trying to out-think the problems the phone ghost was giving them, watching assumptions gone awry. Cleverly done.
D - I support your usage of three actors "as you see fit" to include making voice overs for phone calls and such, thus a non-violation of criteria and a creative utilization of your resources. (I have two actors each with double roles!)

MIchael,

Thanks for reading. This was set-up a bit too fast. My original idea was to break the rules and have the last scene at a motel. her carrying a bag of groceries. When she enters her room zucker is there SUPER: DAY 6. But, i stuck to the rule book. I don't think i'll revisit this unless it gets some interest.

Murphy, Thanks for reading. I hear you about the people and the rules. I didn't feel I broke them. I share your view here. Glad you liked this. Your ending suggestion was my thoughts exactly, but that would have broke the rules. If I rewrite it, That's the direction I'd go. Thanks again...

Herman, Thanks for reading. Yes, was expecting some to say this was derivative of the ring with the phone calls. The ending is explained to my above post where I quoted Scoob. If I rewrite this, it will read more clearly. Thanks...

Ray, like your review style. Thanks for reading. Many felt the same, that this wasn't real horror. I kind of made the house my own character. It is haunted, I just didn't have time to get to a legend as to why, which IMO would have made it feel more like horror. Thanks again, I will be getting over to yours shortly.

TO ALL... Pretty sure I've hit everyone's whose taken the time here. Gonna scan the list again, but if i miss it, please PM me. I always return my reads...

James

Very interesting, suspenseful and creative. Lots of little bits of characterization tucked into the dialogue which is refreshing. The ending needs some tightening though.

Quoted from Sanderson Very interesting, suspenseful and creative. Lots of little bits of characterization tucked into the dialogue which is refreshing. The ending needs some tightening though.

For fucks sake, You said the same damn thing everybody else said! Try not to be so damn redundant! You probably just read the comments!

Ha, having a bit of fun. Huge thanks for reading. Yes, I agree with everything you've said. Good to see you be more active. Don't worry about saying the same things or beating a dead horse. The more who tell me, the more I need to know something needs fixed.

Off to read yours, I may be redundant. Cheers...

James

James,

I peeked around the comments to see your explanation of the ending and I get it now but didn't really while reading.  I also saw this:

Quoted from jwent6688 Was ready for this, kinda. Never said Zucker was human. Muhahaha......

Hahahaha.  

But yeah, this was a good read.  Had some genuinely creepy elements in it and a good conflict to build on.  Thought Annette's "gloating" at the house at the end was kind of lame to be honest, but otherwise I enjoyed this.  Again - ending left me asking questions but overall this was well done.  Good job!

Greg

Greg,

Thanks for reading. Seems very few got the ending without explanation. So i missed there. I think in a rewrite without the rules I could polish this up a bit. Had fun. Thanks, Just got done commenting on yours.

James

Hey James, thought this was good. The whole 'phone thing' was a bit reminiscient of Saw ("you want to play a game?"), but it was also genuinely effective so it's a balancing act there. I can't think of another way to do it, anyhow.

I get the feeling that you had to cut stuff to get this to ten pages? Consequently it all felt a bit crammed in, but obviously that's just due to the challenge limitations. If you do rewrite this, no doubt you'll give it room to breath. What I was reminded most of was a Stephen King story called 'The Ledge'; don't know if you know it, but it has a similar tone and context (sort of). Don't think I'm calling you unimaginative - the actual subject matter is completely different, and since I love King I definitely mean it as a compliment.

A few notes as they cropped up:

- I know it's a style you like, but the 'chopping sentences into parts' tendency can jar if you do it too much. The only time I felt that was actually the first time: 'the car sits. Lights off.'
- It was only once Norman puts his head in his hands on pg. 3 that I realised his arms weren't bound. Surely if he was that afraid of the house, he'd put up some kind of fight? Just strap his wrists to the arm-rests, I say.
- Too many 'old man's. Derek's used it three times by the middle of pg. 5.

But yeah, this was good. Tense, had a fitting nastiness about it. Nice work, and thanks for the review.

Which hopefully you'll actually notice I've returned this time. :)

Quoted from JonnyBoy But yeah, this was good. Tense, had a fitting nastiness about it. Nice work, and thanks for the review. Which hopefully you'll actually notice I've returned this time. :)

Um yeah, still fill bad about that miscommunication on my part. I know you don't like my sentence chopping. I love it. May be my down fall. Just can't stop doing it.

Any reference to the King, I'll glady take. Never read "The Ledge", but may have to check it out now.

Thought most would be reminded of the ring here with the telephone, but can see your point. People locked in a house. Only one makes it. Comes off like SAW. I hate any of them other then the first. And yes, this did suffer from page count after I got into it. Thanks for reading...

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Any reference to the King, I'll glady take. Never read "The Ledge", but may have to check it out now.

Definitely do. Night Shift is a cracking selection of short stories; the first ever script I wrote was an adaptation of 'The Last Rung on the Ladder' (it's buried in the Shorts section somewhere, must be about two years old now). If you can, I recommend buying the whole book. When you read 'The Ledge' you'll get what I'm saying, but that doesn't stop this from being a fine script. Well done again.