The Unconquered by Khamanna Iskandarova (khamanna) - Short, Horror - A young girl and her disabled boyfriend have to spend a night in an abandoned house, known to awaken evil in the living. - pdf, format 8)

Thanks Don for posting!

And Bert, thanks for all the logline corrections I asked for:)

Khamanna,  I think you did a good job overall. I probably would have tightened up the last page a little, but overall, I didn't think it was too bad for the OWC. I liked how you handle your descriptions well without having to resort to playing interior decorator. There is a point and purpose for things, and while the short didn't really wow me, it's a decent effort.

Aside from two errors (easy fixers) the only real complaint I have is that moron Louis. First to die. No big loss to society at large. I am okay with the way folks go out though, kind of like a 'Final Destination' vibe where "freak accidents" do all kinds of bone breaking- coffin humor  gruesomeness.

The two errors:

Greg brings both hands to his head. She sits on his lap, runs her fingers through his hair.

Replace "she" with Clara.


They are bright blue as always. She bend to him, gives him a kiss.

"As always" is more "tell" (in my view) than "show". I get that you imply that this is a close up of Greg's face without calling for it though. That's good. Also, "bends".

Still, a favorable effort.
And gosh, Louis was a total moron!
Keep writing +cheers
DjS

Khamanna,

I've never heard the word "pious" before.  I think I'm gonna use that.

I thought your concept was very cool and figured I was in for more of a psychological horror piece, where the main characters mentally fall apart as the story progresses.  That said, it seemed like more of a typical people going into a haunted house on a dare type thing.  Louis was a dick and was asking for it, so I'm not really sure it was the house that brought out the worst in Greg.  Likewise, when Louis died (and when Clara fell on her face) I didn't feel the reactions were warranted enough.  It just seemed like "oh, he/she fell.  Damn."  I think that also ties into the dialogue which seemed kind of lacking to me.  "Killed your own girlfriend?  Too bad or I was gonna do her.  Tonight."  Just didn't ring well.

I did like the ending, though.  Probably one of the few "happy" endings of the challenge, so it was refreshing to see.  As I said, I think your concept is good and I think some revisions could make this much better.  

Good job.

Greg

Khamanna,

This was an interesting concept.  But honestly, I had a hard time getting into the story.   Maybe it's because I'm tired, but the dialogue between these teenagers just didn't seem believable.  It felt forced, mechanical.   Maybe I'll reread it tomorrow when my mind is fresh.   Good job on completing an entry, though.  Not an easy task.  

Hi Khamanna.
I had to read this twice to get a feel for it, though I was tired the first time.

I dunno...the writing is precise and evokes a good atmosphere for the challeng. But I feel you didn't really get a grip on the stroy you wanted - it seemed to meander along.
I liked the ghost sutff, or afterlife or whatever they were.

Maybe you could have something to indicate years gone past and every generation the house 'takes' new kids. Does that make sense?

Anyway good job on completing the challenge!

stevie

I usually mention the title and logline, as I think they are more important than people make it. They're usually the reason I decide to read something, or not.

Yours is good, K. Not sure about the logline. Think it should be two sentences. Never mind. I'm still gonna read it.

Weird sentence here

Quoted from TU The front door is so low that it seems to start off the ground.

That is a weird one. I know what you mean. jarring. I don't know whether to tell you to change it, or to use it again. I'm weird like that. Sometimes it's those sentences which stick with a reader.

Good reference to the weather from Greg. Unexpected.

I see you nicked my thin legs for wheelchair man. Of course you didn't. That's my story.

Your story is good. Well written. Room for improvement, but there always is.

I think the standard for this OWC is higher than previous. I'm seeing lots of great writing and ideas. This was among them.

If anything it could have done with some trimming. But I always say that. Keep at it. You never know.

R xo

K,

Not bad. Not bad The dialogue could be smoothed out a bit. "Let's do it. For the money." is an early example that reads clunky. "slide nod" s/b "slight nod" Enough for the format police. The ending was anti-horror and that's okay,..

But, to tell you the truth, i wanted to see how BAD things could get. That's what I expected when I read the logline and the first few pages.

GARY

I'm very on the fence with this one.  The story was interesting enough (though a little confusing) but it didn't really have too much horror going for it.

One thing that I don't understand--

--SPOILER SPACE--

is how Clara and Greg are spirits trapped in the house, but the story starts outside the house.  If they repeat this every year, why not just not go in?

The fact that Clara and Greg seem to happy that they scared off other people kinda bothered me, too.  While I understand that they're happy to have others away, thus preventing them from sharing their fate, they're still stuck in the house for all eternity.  Not really a high-five moment.


Phil

Khamanna,

Congrats on completing the challenge!
It was refreshing to see this type of ending to your story.
All too often during this challenge the entries skew in the other direction.
Overall I felt the ending, despite the good tone, felt very rushed.
I like your plot but felt it fell short in the dialogue department.
I did not believe these teenagers would talk like that. It did not ring true.
On page 4, who is Sara? Did you mean Clara?
I did not get a strong sense of your antagonist or why the house was evil.
The tone of the violence felt very overwrought, the reactions seemed off.
Louis was a total jerk before he even got to the house, I was glad to see him go.
Greg and Clara are a nice couple, good work. Thanks for the post!

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks for the comments!

@DjS - I'll correct those mistakes, tighten the piece a bit, thanks for an extra push. And you liked it! Don't take it back, you already said so.

@Greg - I picked "pious" from someone's script too. This and many other words AND expressions:) So while you all are writing I'm borrowing. Thanks for the read, I'm glad you liked it some.

@stevie and @screenrider - thans for the read. What can I do... it is what it is. Maybe next time...

@rendevous - thank you. The sentence shall immediately go! Gone already. I'll read your comment on bad days...

@grademan, @doglebe - I was thinking of different ending at first --them on the floor and the headline "A couple killed each other after murdering their best friend" --something like that. That would mean that the house changes people and it got to them too. But I can't stand bad endings. I wrote a short that ended bad once and never submitted it anywhere. I would like the bad ending for this one too though. For one thing - it would help the flow.

strangely everyone (almost) commented on ending one way or the other.

@Electic Dreamer - thanks, I'll work on the dialog and on the reactions. Someone else noted that too.

Everything here was really interesting and held my attention throughout... Everything except one thing.  One of the most important things to me -- CHARACTERS, and with that ---> DIALOG!

I think the story works.  I think the writing was good.  I just think the dialog is too stiff and robotic.  Not only would Teenagers not talk like this but I don't think Wally Beaver would either.

I think that is the one thing you have to work on.  Dialog.  Everything else was pretty damn good.

Meh, can't say I liked this one much Khamanna. Never felt any real tension. Dunno why that guy was paying them money to stay there if they were already ghosts. Guess he could just see them?

I didn't get the ending either. What was their motivation for feeding the house if it killed them too? Why was it that what they said made the house scream. Getting passed my bedtime. Maybe I'm just a hair tired.
Writing was okay. Lots of typos. Some awkward sentences. Anywho, Good job writing a script in a week that actually fit all the requirements.


James

SPOILERS

This turned out to be a very charming story -- wonderful character development, very satisfying to hear what happens to Lous (I think).
The change in tone between the beginning and the end works very well, there's so much energy in the ending.
Possibly the beginning could have a little more conversation between the young couple; their despair and their youth could be emphasized, maybe.
Very enjoyable to read this piece.
Oh, and wonderful title!

Congrats on completing an OWC script, Khammanna.

I actually read this a few days ago, and decided against posting what I had written.

Bottom line is that this did not work for me at all. It started out OK, but quickly fell downhill.

The dialogue was really bad, IMO.  Really unbelievable.  The characters, actions, and reactions also didn't work for me.  Again, completely unrealistic.  The premise itself makes zero sense.

Good effort, though.

@Baltis - thanks, glad you liked it overall! Dialog - yes, will work on it, will appreciate any advise/notes.

@Jwent - all three are ghosts, went in, died and kept replaying the scenario every year. No one fed the house or made it scream - don't even know what you mean by that, maybe that part of writing was confusing - got to look it up.

@C m hall - thank you, so glad you liked it!

@Dreamscale - no reason to hold it in, I knew some won't like it, I posted it here to sample the reactions. thanks for the read.

Hi Khamanna,

Nicely woven ghost tale. I liked the story and characters and the ending felt more happy then bad, it was almost like a fairy-tale in a way. The whole house being able to bring out the worst in people was cool. With Louis being the arrogant rich boy that loves to flaunt his money ( I assume with the bet and the proposition ) about it I was almost expecting something ultra violent to happen to him but I'm pleased you kept things in a certain tone and mood.
The only thing that bogged it down I guess would be a couple of missed words/spellings but who doesn't do that? Nothing a quick rewrite wouldn't fix.

Good job!
Malc

1 - Story: What a fun story! Reminds me of Beetlejuice.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily. The caving in roof part adds some cost. Light CGI with the "fleshing out" parts.
3 - Horror & Audience: Not really horror. I don't know how to classify this. Spooky story? PG-13 but only for the blood. It's suitable more for a TV audience than a cinematic audience, IMO.
4 - Technicals & Format: Fine. A couple of typos.
5 - Title & Logline: Grand title. The logline's a little short. Might wanna e x p a n d that a little ;)
General Comments:
A - The pace is herky-jerky rather than constant and fluid, although each segment itself is fine.
B - Establish the "demand" of the house as an entity itself, how it requires new "losers" to be conquered. Make the house more of a character they battle against.
C - Clarify why Greg and Clara did bring Louis into the house, but frightened away the new people. I get it - they were the last people to die in the house, but because they were decent people they couldn't be "conquered", thus... ! This might be an appropriate situation to explore what expositional voice overs can do for a story.

I have to agree with alot of what people said here. The dialogue was not as strong as it could've been. That's first. Characters, you clearly differentiated black from white which is all you can really do in a 10-pager.

The story itself was cute but just not executed as well as I think it could've been. A solid re-write and I think you're golden.

And, off-topic to other people who commented on this, why is it refreshing to see a happy ending in a horror story? After something horrific, people will never be happy like they were before the story begins.

I appreciate the read. Thanks:

@scoob - thanks for the read, wondering if you have a script in this challenge, I'll look it up and read if you do.
@thanks Ray, your critique is useful and I left you some comments too.
@Mr. Blonde - thank you, yes, dialog - I'll work on it. Thanks for an extra push.

Hey K,

Kind of going for a Betelgeuse sort of story here.  A friendly couple of ghosts.  I thought the basic idea was ok.  

What I didn't like about it was that the dialogue was too internal to the characters and came across as on the nose.

So, you have a good story here, it just needs some editing to streamline it more.  

I think the focus of the story is a little muddled. Is it about the grudge between Greg and Louis? The evilness of the house? Or the afterlife of Greg and Clara? I got little bits of each here and there, and as a result, none of them are really developed.

The beginning was good. Greg and Clara will get money from Louis if they can stay there for one night. Since the house will release the evilness in people, I expect more intense things to happen. Not that the murder is not intense, it's just that I didn't think the house made Greg do it. Greg and Louis hated each other already. If they were friends and Greg killed him for no reason, then I suspected it's the house's doing.

Great visual on page 7 and 8. We need more of those. It's creepy and it created a claustrophobic feel.

Then you lost me on the last 2 pages. Do we really need them? It's like the ending is dragging on. I understand both Greg and Clara were already dead, but I don't understand what they were doing. Haunting the house?

I hope you picked one thing to focus on so it can be more developed.

Herman

@mcornetto - Thanks Michael for the read. I'm glad you like the story (almost like sorta:)) and I am planning to work on the dialog before filing this one.
@Herman - good to see someone still reading these, especially someone who doesn't have his work in the pile - that's great.
As for the story - it's about the house vs the good people, the house could not conquer them. It did conquer Louis as fast as he got in - he tried to make advances at first but timidly, without letting Greg know. As soon as he got inside he was laughing and jerking around... and got killed. But I hear you, I thought of the other approach - no accent on Louis at all and decided to go against it. Thanks for the read.