Untitled by Brian K. Millard - Short, Horror - A police constable confronts a papraplegic professor regarding his involvement in a series of grizzly murders along the English countryside. - pdf, format 8)

Brian,

You've got a very straight-forward story here.   But what impressed me the most was your clean, crisp writing style.  Absolutely flawless format, IMO.  I have really got to learn how to write like that.   As for the story, i suppose the twist is that the Constable will turn on the next full moon.  But what happened to the Maid?   Seems you could've added a twist within the twist.  Unless I misssed something.   And no title?  C'mon.   Anyway, I enjoyed this one.  

Great job.

Aside from switching from Milloy to Constable and Professor to Atwell various times (Constable Milloy and Professor Atwell should be written as Millory and Atwell, instead of having the narrative switch back and forth with names and profession) I wasn't expecting this!

And "this" needs a title. It's too bad---since this  is a decent effort overall for a OWC, and folks might be hesitate to give it a read. I dig it. Overall, I think this is a very solid short script and although I'm iffy on this meeting two requirements (some action takes place "at dusk", the main location isn't abandoned) as far as the horror requirement, it kicks ass.

The best thing isn't the Werewolf so much, it is the mystery whodunit bit that wins me over. It makes this read fun.

Aside from what I said above?
This is the best short of the OWC I have read so far in regards to enjoyment and character level.
Terrific stuff.

As much as I root for my own and a few others, I have to give props, Think up a title, put it in a response--- I think this would rule the school as an iScript.

If it isn't considered, someone's crazy, and it isn't me.

-DjS

Needs a name and I think this is the 1st script that morphed another character within a character.  Well, we had one Doppleganger... But that isn't the same thing as this one.  It came in at 8 pages and it was written pretty good.  I think there are some instances of being vague but not many.

Not bad, glad it did something different to be honest.  Still I'm finding a huge lack of character in most of these OWC.

There ahs been a few of these what I call, ring-in scripts from non-members. I hope they read and comment on some of th eother scripts but that rarely happens.

This was pretty good writing as SR said, though I felt the story got away from the writer near the end.

You need to change two things - name the bloody maid and the bloody script!!!

Hello all,

First post ever on Simply Scripts, hoping you'll allow me to stick around... :)

I'd like to start off by apologizing twice, first for the lack of a title on my OWC entry.  I've been prepping to film a short for the past few weeks now, so that's taken up the majority of my writing time.  I finally had a chance to take a break from my prep work, on a slow Friday at the office, but in going through all of my scripts in progress I couldn't find any inspiration to work on any of them.  Nor could I come up with anything new.  So, I popped onto SS to peruse the script section, looking for anything that could jump start my brain, and I happened upon this awesome challenge and thought I'd give it a shot.  This was 2 PM on Friday the 15th, the due date...  For whatever reason, titles do not come to me easily, so rather than sit around trying to come up with one, I decided to invest all the time that I had to the actual story.  Also, I have noticed a trend in the unproduced script section that suggested the logline would be more important than the title, as far as earning people's trust and getting reads.  Still no "excuse" to not have a title, but that is the "explanation" and I apologize.  It will not happen again.

I would also like to apologize for not having reviewed/replied to any of the other OWC entries as of yet, though I assure you, I have read all of batches 1 through 4 so far.  In reading the general thoughtful follow up posts to each script in the OWC (as well as in the unproduced scripts section in general) it appears to me that most of the folks on here sort of know one another.  You've built a rapport, read each other's work, possibly even collaborated in the past.  I felt it would be disrespectful to you all if I were to chime in as some newb outsider who had yet to even post a script.  I'm also a little shy...  You know, new people.  :)  But, now that this script is up and starting to get a few reads, I'm sure I'll soon be comfortable enough to go back and start commenting on some of the unique, interesting, bizzare and quite good OWC entries that I've read so far.

Thank you for taking the time to be bothered with me and I look forward to gradually becoming a more active member on this board.

-Brian K. Millard

I think it's very well written. And that's why I saved it and I'm going to study it and borrow from it:) (I mean it)

And the story is nice and nicely developed. The maid with the crusifix pouring liquids out of bottles - that's pretty gruesome, in a good way of course. Their dialog - very Konan Doyle!

The very ending, almost the very last sentence - felt rushed - if constable is dead how would the audience know it's his blood - this is very rushed. But it came at the very end so did not spoil the read for me overall. That's the only thing I can think of though.

You're saying you've read them all but because we know each other.... - I don't know many, actually just starting to know. I participated in the first OWC more than a year ago and still don't know many. And I'm not sure who knows me, remembers me etc but I comment on everything I read. --just sharing.

Hey Brian, congrats on completing an OWC script and welcome to SS!

This is a pretty well written script.  Biggest issues I see are that you repeatedly went back and forth in your prose as to what you referred to your characters as (Constable, the Constable, Milloy, Constable Milloy, etc.).  You need to chose one and stick with it throughout.

I think you also needed to name the Maid, as you used "the Maid", and "Maid".  Just "Maid" sounds really bad.

I liked the story, although it's quite simple and obvious.

But in terms of the challenge, you did not use an abandoned house as your setting, which is a big problem.

Good effort here though for sure!

Quoted from shootingduck Hello all, First post ever on Simply Scripts, hoping you'll allow me to stick around... :) I'd like to start off by apologizing twice, first for the lack of a title on my OWC entry.  I've been prepping to film a short for the past few weeks now, so that's taken up the majority of my writing time.  I finally had a chance to take a break from my prep work, on a slow Friday at the office, but in going through all of my scripts in progress I couldn't find any inspiration to work on any of them.  Nor could I come up with anything new.  So, I popped onto SS to peruse the script section, looking for anything that could jump start my brain, and I happened upon this awesome challenge and thought I'd give it a shot.  This was 2 PM on Friday the 15th, the due date...  For whatever reason, titles do not come to me easily, so rather than sit around trying to come up with one, I decided to invest all the time that I had to the actual story.  Also, I have noticed a trend in the unproduced script section that suggested the logline would be more important than the title, as far as earning people's trust and getting reads.  Still no "excuse" to not have a title, but that is the "explanation" and I apologize.  It will not happen again. I would also like to apologize for not having reviewed/replied to any of the other OWC entries as of yet, though I assure you, I have read all of batches 1 through 4 so far.  In reading the general thoughtful follow up posts to each script in the OWC (as well as in the unproduced scripts section in general) it appears to me that most of the folks on here sort of know one another.  You've built a rapport, read each other's work, possibly even collaborated in the past.  I felt it would be disrespectful to you all if I were to chime in as some newb outsider who had yet to even post a script.  I'm also a little shy...  You know, new people.  :)  But, now that this script is up and starting to get a few reads, I'm sure I'll soon be comfortable enough to go back and start commenting on some of the unique, interesting, bizzare and quite good OWC entries that I've read so far. Thank you for taking the time to be bothered with me and I look forward to gradually becoming a more active member on this board. -Brian K. Millard

Good stuff Brian!!  Didn't mean to be so abrasive in my post, but we are getting sick of people submitting stuff and not reading others.
Welcome to SS!!

Cheers stevie

Quoted Text screenrider As for the story, i suppose the twist is that the Constable will turn on the next full moon.  But what happened to the Maid?   Seems you could've added a twist within the twist.  Unless I misssed something.   And no title?  C'mon.   Anyway, I enjoyed this one.

I actually tried to leave it a little open for interpretation with the constable.  By having his attack take place under the sofa, it was never made fully clear whether he was actually bitten or just clawed.  It's kind of for the reader/viewer to decide his fate.

And yes, there are some subtleties to the Maid's subplot that you may have missed, which is possibly my fault.  But I don't want to go into specifics at this time because I want to see if any other readers ask the same question or if some recognize where she went/what happened to her/what she did... OR if I left it too vague with not enough clues to deduce the outcome.

Quoted Text Baltis I think there are some instances of being vague but not many.

I wasn't trying to be vague.  It was more an attempt to be subtle.  I tried to avoid on the nose expositional dialogue or spoon feeding the twists to the audience, while at the same time creating some open ended questions for the audience (readers/viewers) to interpret on their own.  However, I'm not used to writing in this style (mystery/horror) so I may have missed my intended mark a bit.  Perhaps I could have been clearer in some instances.  Could you please elaborate on what you found to be too vague and why?

Quoted Text stevie though I felt the story got away from the writer near the end.

Can you please elaborate?  Meaning it felt rushed?

Quoted Text name the bloody maid

No.  :)  I intentionally left her nameless because we don't really know who she is.  I felt it made her more mysterious.  Plus, simply calling her Maid kind of puts an image in the reader's head of a certain archetype; quiet, subserviant woman, probably avoids eye contact, wears a uniform, comes and goes throughout the house as she pleases, has access to the most intimate parts of her employer's home/life...  That's a lot of description covered by one word.  No name that I could give her would put across a clearer picture of who she is.

Quoted Text There ahs been a few of these what I call, ring-in scripts from non-members. I hope they read and comment on some of th eother scripts but that rarely happens.

I actually plan on sticking around.  In fact, over the next two days, I'll be going back over all of the OWC scripts that I've read already, giving them a second read and leaving a few words.  :)

Glad to hear you folks enjoyed the read!

@duck -- 1st, I am a huge fan of Darkwing duck.  Make no mistake about it.  

Anyways, I say vague because, well, for instance...

"... Spies the figure at the window, gazes suspiciously.  The curtains flutter, close."

This comes after a scene header lead through.  I understand it and do visualize it, but it's not as clear as it could be.  Believe me, I have instances in mine that I'm not 100% happy about, either.  And your writing shows you're very capable, so I'm sure these instances, which aren't many in the script, would be avoided in work that you have more time to complete.

"Milloy waits at the door, checks the sky, balls his fist to knock again"

Again, the comas in between are correct if it was a novel... But it's not.  It's a screenplay.  

"Milloy waits at the door - He checks the sky - Balls his fist to knock."

Not that it's much better but it's the lead through that doesn't trip the reader up as much.  You don't need long sentences.  Things should happen as short burst of action.  We should be able to see that more clearly.

I look forward to your future work, to be honest.

Ha, you know I completely disagree with you, Balt, about the commas.

The sentence is fine as Duck wrote it.  In fact, it's better than your suggestion, but the again, we're talking semantics here and style preference.

Quoted from Dreamscale Ha, you know I completely disagree with you, Balt, about the commas. The sentence is fine as Duck wrote it.  In fact, it's better than your suggestion, but the again, we're talking semantics here and style preference.

Then wouldn't a semicolon be more appropriate?  Imagine how that'd read.  You have a sentence, then you deviate from that sentence to place an action in the middle of it and then you bring it back to the sentence.

This isn't English class, Jeff.  This isn't Novel writing 101.  This is screenwriting... Not literature.  Very ugly.  Very crude.  Very abrasive, bare bones stuff.  And, again, there you go again trying to deviate someone from writing with their own voice.  You want everyone to write like you and it doesn't work that way.

"Malloy waits at the door; checks the sky.  He balls his fist to knock again"

That is how you, since "Checks the sky" is a completely different subject to the main sentence, would write it.  Jeff, just stop trying so hard.

Quoted from shootingduck Hello all, First post ever on Simply Scripts, hoping you'll allow me to stick around...

I can't see why not. There's a lot worse, including me, who seem to never go away.

Welcome. Not bad work. As you will learn I am usually pissed. But then again, I'm Irish. It's expected. As Russell Crowe explained in State of Play...  Irish Wine is actually Whiskey. And we have our reasons. Ahem. I'll review tomorrow. The script I mean, not the band, or tomorrow.

If I remember.

R xo

EDIT: I remembered eventually.

Rubbish title, but you knew that already. Logline's not bad.

Seems pretty good. Enjoyed the cop's dialogue.

Strane ending, but that's not a bad thing. Fairly straight forward, if unexpected story.

Have to say I liked it, well written, and well done.

Balt, you were the one who brought up the example about the commas vs. dashes, not me.

It would seem like you were the one trying to tell someone how to write, wouldn't it?

Personally, I don't believe in using semi colons in screenwriting.  Actually, I rarely ever use them in any kind of writing.

Screenwriting does not have to be very ugly.  It does not have to very crude, very abrasive, or bare bones.  It can be, if that's the look you're after, but it sure doesn't have to be.  Scripts are written to be read.  The better a scripts looks and reads is a positive, not a negative.

I'm not trying to be hard and I'm not trying to tell people how to write.  If they all wrote like me, I'd have to find a way to write differently.   ;D ;D

Quoted Text khamannaI think it's very well written. And that's why I saved it and I'm going to study it and borrow from it (I mean it)

Wow, flattered to hear that.  Thank you.  :)  Just remember when studying, don't change what you call the character's in your action and make sure you name everyone...  I've already been reamed over that twice by reviewers and once by myself.  ;)

Quoted Text The very ending, almost the very last sentence - felt rushed - if constable is dead how would the audience know it's his blood - this is very rushed.

Wow again...  If that's how you interpreted that last part then I really didn't clearly state what I'd intended.  The Constable is not dead.  He is standing near his car, holding his gun, he hears a distant HOWL.  The blood running down the driveway is from his wounded leg.  Hmm...  I know I trimmed the wording on the action significantly in that scene from where it was originally.  I wonder if I accidentally omitted a line without realizing it.  My apologies for the confusion either way.

Quoted Text Dreamscale But in terms of the challenge, you did not use an abandoned house as your setting, which is a big problem.

This was actually a regrettable oversight on my part.  I initially misread or perhaps misunderstood the instructions, thinking that they were looking for an abandoned OR rundown house.  If I had known about this challenge from the beginning I probably would have scrapped this altogether and started from scratch, as this storyline wouldn't make sense in an abandoned house.  That setting would alter the context so drastically that it wouldn't be worth making cosmetic changes as they would have taken away from the story.  I did go back after realizing my mistake and drop in a few nuggets about the house to make it seem more rundown and a little less lived in.

Quoted from Baltis. "Malloy waits at the door; checks the sky.  He balls his fist to knock again"

"Malloy waits at the door. Checks the sky. Balls his fist to knock again" That's how I write. Is it proper sentences, feck no. Just my style. Adopt your own. be consistent. I've seen every rule of screenwriting broken in pro scripts. You probably shouldn't, since your amateur, But I shall always be one. Just think period gives more POP. To me it's about telling the story as fast as possible.

Your slugs are all full. Jeff will defend them, but I rarely see them anymore. Once you establish your time of day, no need to attach it to the end til it changes. When moving from inside a structure you can just use KITCHEN as a slug or PARLOR. Just make sure you double space as a normal slug would. CONTINOUS is a tuff one. I rarely understood its meaning. I've adopted it when using a Point Of View shot that I want to continue through several locations....

EXT. ABANDONED HOUSE - NIGHT

MONSTER'S POV

Everything is void of color. The frame rushes the house. Launches towards the picture window. CRASH.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The frame races towards the kitchen.

KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

The monster see's its victims hiding under the table...

Blah, blah, blah.... Is this right? Fuck me if I know. That's just my style. Anywho... Onto story. Oh, and Jeff will be back. Your threads probably gonna go through the roof.

I liked this alot. You did a nice job of playing us as to who was the real werewolf. The constable checks the sky, has to be somewhere. Then, We find out it's the professor. Premonitioned by the maids sadness. I hoped for a second that they were both werewolves. Professor knew. Made him. And brought him there to kill them both.

The constable should discard his real bullets in his gun before loading the silver. If I misread that. My apologies. Guessing, being bitten, he will turn into one next. The story goes on. Just wished you could've brought the finality to it that I mentioned. Rare for a short, but you had some extra pages. Just my suggestion. Either way, welcome to the boards. Great short. Probably my fave thus far. Give it a friggin title.

Oh and, Sorry about the argument that will continue on this thread.

James


Also, comment on some scripts, just say nice job if your too timid to be critical. If you show your face, you'll get more reads.

Quoted Text "Malloy waits at the door. Checks the sky. Balls his fist to knock again" That's how I write. Is it proper sentences, feck no. Just my style.

I really don't think either is wrong.  Nor is your earlier example with the dashes.  Just a matter of style preference.  I think it looks more aesthetically pleasing one way, you find it more so another.  I prefer to use commas when there is a slight pause in a flowing action.  Him waiting, checking the sky, going to knock... it's all one continuous motion with slight hesitations.  If I do want that POP that you were referring to, that's when I'll use a period.  It depends on the rhythm of the scene, the type of action, if it's a big action followed by another big action or if it's a few small fidgety actions like in this sample.

Quoted Text Your slugs are all full. Jeff will defend them, but I rarely see them anymore.

I have always and will always use full slugs.  To me, it just breaks up the action better than KITCHEN in all caps with nothing else around it.  It's a more definitive breaking point.  Again, it's something I've seen done many ways in many scripts by many writers at many levels.

I use continuous (and I forget where I learned this, it was many years ago) to either show a flowing scene from one room to the next... example would be walking out of one room and into another.  There are also instances where I write a sequence in which the action is broken up between two locations... for instance, John is at a bar and it's DAY.  He's talking about how Phil is outside smoking.  Next scene, we see Phil EXT. BAR - DAY, he's smoking, chats up a lady.  Then the next slug is back inside to the bar and John is still engaged in the same conversation, seated on the same bar stool, talking to the same dude... then I'll use a CONTINUOUS to show continuity between this and the other INT. BAR scene.  I'm not sure if that's something that's outdated, as like I said I picked it up a long time ago, but I've continued to use it when the situation seems appropriate.

I never use POV in a spec script like this.  In a shooting script, absolutely, but not in an ordinary screenplay.  As much as we'd like to be, we're not (currently) directing this scene, just writing it.  However, I do try and cheat it when I can and word my action to suggest a POV shot without actually slapping those dreaded letters on the page.  :)  If you give your script to a director, he does not give a shit about your camera angle ideas and shot suggestions, so don't waste valuable space on the page by trying to direct the scene.

Quoted Text The constable should discard his real bullets in his gun before loading the silver. If I misread that. My apologies.

Um... oops.  :)  Good call, you didn't miss a thing.  Now that you mention it, I guess I just took it for granted in the scene that he was going to dump his bullets first and neglected to include that line.  Pretty sure it was clear enough though that a director would be able to figure out.  If not, then when we're on the Comic Con panel and the question comes up, I'll just say that it was my brilliant back story idea that the Constable's policeman father once shot himself in the foot while drawing his weapon and ultimately died of infection, therefore the Constable never keeps his gun loaded... Next question... ;)

Quoted Text Also, comment on some scripts, just say nice job if your too timid to be critical. If you show your face, you'll get more reads.

Don't worry, I will be.  I actually just got home from work, have to start editing the footage that I shot for my short film over the weekend, so I'm going to be pretty busy tonight.  However, I plan on taking a few breaks here and there, during which time I'll go back to batch one and start reviewing.  Thanks for the suggestion, I'm right there on that page with you.  :)

Welp, good show. You seem to be pretty firmly established. Sorry, Kinda treated you as a newbie. Like when I first came here. Got conflicting info all the time.

If you shoot some shorts and publish them, send them to Don. He'll throw them on the site and they'll get way more hits. Cheers

James

Brian,

Congrats on finishing the one week challenge!
Your narrative is straightforward and easy to understand.
You chose a classic scenario and played it out well.
I was a bit confused by the end. I guess the Maid is involved too? =p
I would have liked more set up and perhaps some history between your two males.
The end feels a bit unclear. but it seems you set yourself up for a sequel.
Clear, concise read, looking forward to more of your material.
Thanks for the post!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from stevie Good stuff Brian!!  Didn't mean to be so abrasive in my post, but we are getting sick of people submitting stuff and not reading others. Welcome to SS!! Cheers stevie

Don't worry, didn't take it as abrasive, I knew exactly what you were getting at.  :)  I understand how that would be annoying.  But I'm here to be here and I intend on treating the board properly and respectfully and putting in as much as I get out.

Thanks for the "abrasive" welcome!  ;)

1 - Story: Pretty good. Nice set-up for a standard werewolf tail... er, tale.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Yes, but will be very expensive for the sequence given to do it proper. I'd hate to see the BBC production of this. Ha!
3 - Horror & Audience: Yep. Big ol' audience collecting everything in the genre. What's here is PG-13. A full feature should be R. Failed on multiple challenge criteria, but the more I read these entries the less I see that as being less important than it's an inspiration. You write as if inspired. This is more of a sequence than a complete story. As a proof of concept it would be expensive but should look pretty good although weak. It's interesting and lightly entertaining without being grandly original or clever.
4 - Technicals & Format: Good.
5 - Title & Logline: Title is descriptive. A little on-the-nose, though. Juss jokin'. Please think of something clever. Logline's a little... "train cars on a track". Craft one a fair bit more sexy and sinewy.
General Comments:
A - Keeping the maid as MAID is fine by me (support your reasons given in comments), but I'd likewise knock off the names to PROFESSOR and CONSTABLE as well. It would both bring consistencies to roles and read a wee more sprightly.
B - There's a big audience for this material and subject. You write well. If you can bring a great twist in perspective and approach consider making a feature with this being an opening sequence.
D -         CONSTABLE MILLOY
    Most of those details were not made
    public.

        PROFESSSOR ATWELL
    I am informed of many things that
    are not public knowledge.

Classic adversarial conversations have opponents use the other's words as counter, with a little dig:

        CONSTABLE MILLOY
    Most of those details were not made
    public.

        PROFESSOR ATWELL
    I am informed/knowledgeable of many
    things not made public, constable.

With this period and graphic novel material you can comfortably keep to theatrical, semi-wooden dialog.

I liked it. A straightforward and simple tale of a werewolf trying to prevent killing more people. I think what makes it work is the crisp writing. It was an enjoyable read.

I hope you should use the extra two and a half page to provide us with more characters and backstory. It's okay right now, but it'd more interesting if you can allude to us what and how did the Professor became conscious of his werewolf identity. I thought they don't know they are werewolves themselves usually.

Very good job.

Herman