(Moderators: If I need to start a new thread, move this elsewhere or something just let me know.)

NOVEMBER EXERCISE
November => Thanksgiving => Family.
Theme: Write a short about anything to do with family.
Parents, kids, grandkids, grandparents, adopted, spouses, pets, surrogates, whatever.
Elements: November 1st, 2010 New York Times Headlines.

Theodore C. Sorensen, 82, Kennedy Counselor, Dies
Mr. Sorensen was best known for passages of soaring rhetoric, but his role as an adviser went beyond that of presidential ghost-writer.

Europe's Plagues Came From China, Study Finds
The waves of plague that twice devastated Europe and changed the course of history had their origins in China, a team of medical geneticists ...

Mugged by the Debt Moralizers
More and more voters are convinced that what we need is not spending but more punishment. The irony is that they will end up punishing ...

Blekko Tries to Filter Out Web Search
Blekko aims to show search results from only trustworthy sites, weeding out sites filled with little relevant information.

Proclaimed Dead, Web Is Showing New Life
The growth in popularity of closed-off Internet zones like applications from Apple is sapping the Web's innovation, some fear.

Bomb Plot Shows Key Role Played by Intelligence
The foiling of the package plot was a sobering reminder that quick response to timely intelligence rules the day.

Istanbul Suicide Bomber Wounds 32
The attack on Sunday morning was aimed at a police unit in the busiest local and tourist district in Istanbul.

Robo-Signing at Companies That Buy Consumer Debts
Debt buyers used questionable tactics well before the recent foreclosure mess, lawyers say.

'Aftershock,' Feng Xiaogang's Seismic Suffering - Review
Feng Xiaogang's 'Aftershock,' a huge hit in China, traces 30 fraught years in the life of a mother, beginning with a natural disaster in ...

In a First, Brazil Elects a Woman as President
In choosing Dilma Rousseff, Brazilians voted strongly in favor of continuing the economic and social policies of the popular president, ...

Sample story ideas:
- Medieval peasant family express their love for each other amidst the fear of the growing plague.
- A slightly intoxicated dinner party discuss walking away from their upside down mortgage.
- A woman utilizing internet search skills searches for a brother, given away as an infant for adoption, just before Thanksgiving.
- A family discusses their neighbor's suicide bomber lost son.
- A Chinese family appreciates what they haven't lost after a tragedy.
- Brazilian Capital housekeeping staff discuss their new President with their illegal immigrant family in the US.

Whatever. Doesn't matter.

Think about it for a few days.

Write the short for a few days.

- Make the title match the story.
- Make the logline match the story and be enticing.
- Watch your slugs.
- Watch your action lines and dialog.
- Watch your "special things", like MONTAGEs, SERIES OF SHOTS and FLASHBACKs.
      Try something new, take your lumps or your positive reinforcement.
- Whatever it was you got hit on your OWCs or saw someone else get hit on - fix it.
And
- Watch your typos, spelling and grammar! LOL!

(Assuming I'm not pulling a Don Quixote, here) I have no idea how burdensome it is for Don to host a PDF at simply scripts, but if you just wanna drop your PDF in whenever you want, freepdfhosting.com allows PDFs to be popped up for 30 days FREE.

This means you can fix (stupid) errors ASAP all by yourself, whenever you want, by modifying/editing your own post. Even link-in multiple corrected drafts in subsequent posts.

These are meant to be exercises rather than treasures forever, who cares if they're not around in thirty days.
However, we've seen several suggestions that shorts be made into features, so don't get too self-dismissive just yet.

Additionally, I think it's (almost) equally good to practice critiquing each others' work.

Jeff, I know you're reading (and likely giggling), so I expect a decent p!sstake from you to show us young pups what a righteous format looks like.  :)

Everyone else - Gopherit.

See you in a week. Or two.

Ray,

I've got one word for you...  Decaf!

:o

Quoted from RayW Thank you, Michael for moving this over to a new thread. Good to know.

Hey, look!  Cornetto got a screenwriter of the month award!

The problem with going from one 'challenge' to another is that you don't give the writers any time to pursue their own projects.  That's why the OWC is only done four times a year.


Phil

Howdy, Phil

It's compulsory.
It's a few days.
It's to help on format.
There were a lot of OCT OWC hits on format.
Your format is fine.
I can benefit from your help.
When other SS members read the the corrections you can provide it helps them say "better not do what Ray just done."
Mostly for the 7WC and OWC it's the writers reading each others' work. I imagine this would work much the same.
It's a good thing, not a problem.

Do you want to read and review forty FEB OWC that could use simple improvements?
I don't think anyone enjoys slamming each other.
I'd rather focus on the story, not notice format, and say good things about other people's work which is why I include the good with the bad in my reviews.


BTW, I'll be hitting Mafia Dogs by the end of the week.
Overall, was my review for Frankincense acceptable?

Will you please give Condemned - Lite a once over?
Gracias.

Ray

---

Phil - Shocking to learn I have a background in graphic design for newspaper and magazine layout, eh?
Be darn grateful I can't get anywhere near QuarkXPress on these posts.  :)

I think you sometimes work too hard on your critiques, Ray.  Your illustrations and colors and stuff sometimes makes it hard to read.  Otherwise, it was deep and informative.

I'll take a look at yours.


Phil

For those that think their writing needs work, I think it is a good idea to keep writing.  So, I would suggest that all of you who want some practice to give this exercise a go.  It's a very short script and writing from a news article is a great skill to learn.

Cheers.  

Glory & Pride by Ray - Short, Drama - The ceremonial delivery of an envelope is not received by a family with the same passion in which it was earned. 5 pages - PDF format

Ray,

Just read your script.  This was was a very noble effort and your writing style is improving immensly compared to your OWC.   Still a bit flowery, though.   Stop trying to be so eloquent and grandiose.  

Examples:

Small black screen of an older model television on the
kitchenette table somehow occupies the entire scene.
(I don't even know why you chose to mention the TV, but oh well)

Centered on the table stands a thin framed portrait photo of
a pleasant young man, 22.

A small TV sits on table.  Beside it a framed photograph of a young man, 22

FATMA, 50, wears black hijab, washes dishes by hand at the
sink as ANDALEEB, 20, in plain hijab, pulls a curtain to
peer onto the street.

FATMA, 50's, dressed in a black hijab, washes dishes in the sink
as ANDALEEB, 20's, in a plain jijab, peers out a window.  


From her window over the sink Fatma sees her neighbor peer
from behind the curtains in her own kitchen.

Fatma sees a neighbor peer out her window from across the street

Sorry, Ray, but I've got to stop.  I'm sure my revisions could be revised even better, but hopefully this helps.   On a positive note, it's an interesting premise.   Good job.

Thank you, Mike for reading and reviewing with me.

Stop trying to be so eloquent and grandiose.
I am not trying to be any such thang!  :)
WYSIWYG.
Sorry.

I dummied it down as far as I did.
But I see your point that I can dummy it down more.
Rat fat!

So, when other readers come back at me demanding more "sizzle!" in the wording - without simply more description, mind you - have you any thoughts or solutions for that?
Thank you.

Um... the ubiquitous TV is a fairly decent device for speedy communication.
However, I suspect that if any of us had our kid do something... controversial and it was disturbing the missus that we'd respectfully turn the thing off.
So, there it sits.
Black screened.
Small.
Old.
Because these are kinda poor, plain but decent people.
It's a old, little TV in a kitchenette.
They ain't rolling in the dough.

To me the "thin frame" on their lost son's small (5x7) photo further demonstrates they have not a lot of money.

But they aren't groveling for the check they just received.
Mom would rather have her son than the martyr check.
And she doesn't want to listen to Al Jazeera reminding her of it.
Not today.
Mom just wants to move beyond these ugly milestones.

Thank you for telling me you found the premise interesting.
I was working more for format than story, but I did care about the latter, still.

I have a quick exercise for you Ray.

Write a screenplay and try to tell as much of the story as you can in dialogue.   See how much of the story you can tell and not in an on the nose sort of a way.  With real dialogue.  

Then go through the screenplay and see which essential (not who turns this way or that way) parts of the story you think no one is going to understand.  Try once again to adjust the dialogue.

Then make another pass through and if you think people will just not get it then add a short action line.  Limit yourself to one line.

Then one last look over it and add one other line if you think it really needs more.  

Okey dokey, Michael.

Will you please clarify "real dialog"? And cite/link a decent example?
Gracias!

There's lots of examples of real dialogue in this thread.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1284425755/

What you want to avoid is on the nose dialogue like

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090202073433AAQpa1f

I'm asking you to show me who the characters are, what they feel, what they're hiding, who they're talking to, what they're doing through the dialogue.  I don't want to see it in the action or wrylies. And I want you to do this without specifically saying it in the dialogue.

SMALL POWERS by Ray - Fantasy, Short - While a heated argument wages over the legitimacy of a map to eternal feasting, furry friends can't help but use their magical powers to toy with each other. 9 pages - PDF format


Okey doke, Michael.
I gave the dialog heavy and description/action light thingie a try.
Kinda succeeded.
Kinda didn't on the "one line only action part".
Completely deviated from the news thing.
Whatever.  :)
Pirate's Code.
HA!

Let me know what worked and didn't, including the loggie.
("Yes", I know it doesn't go on the title page. Put it there just for convenience.)

Thank you!

Quoted from RayW SMALL POWERS by Ray - Fantasy, Short - While a heated argument wages over the legitimacy of a map to eternal feasting, furry friends can't help but use their magical powers to toy with each other. 9 pages - PDF format Okey doke, Michael. I gave the dialog heavy and description/action light thingie a try. Kinda succeeded. Kinda didn't on the "one line only action part". Completely deviated from the news thing. Whatever.  :) Pirate's Code. HA! Let me know what worked and didn't, including the loggie. ("Yes", I know it doesn't go on the title page. Put it there just for convenience.) Thank you!

I thought it was a cute little script Ray.  I don't for a minute believe you tried to do what I asked but it was a cute little script.

Now logline.  It's a little chunky word-wise (I was able to make it much shorter) but my big question here is why?  Why should I open this script?  It sounds to me like there isn't a story inside, just a bunch of animals toying with each other.  For what purpose? What is your story here?  You don't really have one, do you?

So number 1, get a story.

Page 1.

I open the script and find this in the first action block...

In pleasant company, a litany of forest animals mingle at
tables for breakfast. One booth seats MOUSE, SQUIRREL,
RACCOON, RABBIT, CHIPMUNK and a slightly grayed MOLE.

My first though is "Oh shit!"  I don't want to read this.  There's six characters in an 8 page script.  They're all introduced at once.  Not good.   Do you really want people's first reaction to be "Oh shit!".

The next thing I did was take your first three action blocks and condense them to this.

At the crowded table, MOUSE and SQUIRREL argue over breakfast. Mouse stutters.

That's everything you need to say.  All in one line.  Well, Mouse stutters might make it a bit longer than a line but it still is like 9 lines shorter than what you had.  

You do not need to introduce anyone else.  Mouse and Squirrel talk for most of the page, introduce the other characters when they are about to speak.  Absolutely nothing you told me about those other characters before then was important so just get rid of it.

And a little bit about Mouse stutters.  You shouldn't really put stuttering in dialog. It's just plain annoying to read.  So instead of

I’m telling y-you you’re wrong.
There is s-sucha place as "The
Dump".

It should be

I’m telling you’re wrong.
There is sucha place as "The
Dump".

Mouse stutters, tells us that mouse stutters and if it doesn't tell us that enough then make it a clearer sentence - do not by any means put the stuttering in your dialogue - no matter how much you want to.

Next I took exception to I'm telling you... We know he's telling him. So the first dialogue block should read

You’re wrong.
There is sucha place as "The
Dump".

Then I decided to read the rest.  And you have a cute little kids skit script with cute little characters, some repetitive dialogue, but overall it's pretty hollow and it has no story.  

With any script and, especially with shorts you need to concentrate on the story.  I don't really have a story to suggest to you either so you going to have to figure out what it is on your own.  And for everyone's sake get rid of some of the characters.  

Also, the setting is a real bore.  Around the breakfast table for eight entire pages!  

They should be hunting for this mythical dump with danger around every corner.  When an age old feud between Squirrel and Mouse causes a rift in the group.  Only Mole can save them because he knows secret code and he also knows where Philadelphia is.

Anyway, I'm sure you get the idea and hope you see the problems I had with this.  

Michael

Quoted from n7 Taking screenwriting advice from Ray W is like talking to an actual piece of shit.

I disagree.  While Ray puts too much into his reviews with the colors and charts and other fringe, they're thorough, insightful and interesting to read.  I would rank him very if I had to list everyone from best to worst in their reviews.

You should take his advice and grow up.


Phil

I think Ray says a lot in his critiques.  He points out what he likes and dislikes.  He comments on characters and story.  

This site is filled with people who post generic comments on scripts that I sometimes doubt they've read.  Comments so generic that they could be cut and paste into other script threads (and you sons of bitches know who you are).  Ray isn't like this.  When he comments on a script, you know he read it.  I think he's one of the better reviewers here.

When I first came on the boards, I was criticized for some of my comments; I still am, occasionally.  The only difference between him and myself is that I've been around a lot longer.


Phil

Quoted from n7 AGAIN, SORRY FOR THE MEMBERS OF THIS SITE TO BE SO NEGATIVE...

I like reading a good scrap as much as anyone -- it's a weakness of mine -- but I am sure that if Don were looking over my shoulder, he would want me to delete and point you here:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b=News,m=1080786748

Please take a closer peek at #3 -- and stop dishing the number 2, if you know what I mean.

Howdy, Michael

Thank you for your read and review.


Aww, now. I did try.

Quoted from mcornetto I'm asking you to show me who the characters are, what they feel, what they're hiding, who they're talking to, what they're doing through the dialogue.  I don't want to see it in the action or wrylies. And I want you to do this without specifically saying it in the dialogue.

Through their dialog are you not able to pick out each of their personalities?
The empirically self assured is _______________ .
The devil's advocate nay sayer is _______________ .
The paradoxical loner groupie is ________________ .
The nice guy that hangs out with the bad guys is ______________ .
The feisty yet vulnerable one is ________________ .
The absent minded leader paying more attention than you think is _____________ .
Do they stay mad at each other?
Are there shifting alliances?
Do they hit and get hit then act as if everything is fine a moment later? Forgiving?

[Logline]'s a little chunky word-wise (I was able to make it much shorter) but my big question here is why?  Why should I open this script?
I patterned it after these.
Subject + verb + conflict
Map + debate + legitimacy
I can't say "why" you should read it.
(FWIW, despite your objections you read it anyway, and I appreciate that alone.)
You wanna see WTH furry friends with magical abilities debate like?
At least I kept out the mass-debate joke!

You don't really have [a story], do you?
They debate the legitimacy of a document's information, for good reason.
12 Angry Men debate the evidence against a defendant.
Same thing.
Same setting.
("No", not the screenplay this was patterned off of.)

My first though is "Oh shit!"  I don't want to read this.  There's six characters in an 8 page script.  They're all introduced at once.  Not good.   Do you really want people's first reaction to be "Oh shit!".
That's a rhetorical questions isn't it?  ;)
Were you able to keep up with the six characters in the eight page script without too much OTN dialog?
And it was also patterned off the screenplay of a well known and appreciated film.
Bummer.

Mouse and Squirrel talk for most of the page, introduce the other characters when they are about to speak.  Absolutely nothing you told me about those other characters before then was important so just get rid of it.
So, I'm not going to get complaints of "Whoa! Where the h3ll did all these other characters come from?" with that approach?
Cool.
I deliberately didn't include anything about the other characters because the task was "to show me who the characters are, what they feel, what they're hiding, who they're talking to, what they're doing through the dialogue."

Did I not wait until their dialog to communicate their agenda and personalities?

... do not by any means put the stuttering in your dialogue - no matter how much you want to.
Gotcha.
When Squirrel and Rabbit mock him I wanted the audience to know exactly where and how they were, so reference points were included.

... so you going to have to figure out what it is on your own.
Working on it.

Also, the setting is a real bore.  Around the breakfast table for eight entire pages!
"Hear that, Jeff! An abandoned Hamburger Hamlet is boring! Even for talking, magical animals!"
Ha ha ha! Just kidding.
Um... believe me, the eight pages of blabbing around the table has precedent, albeit, not for a short.
However, once again, the point (I thought) was to establish personalities through dialog rather than wrylies and action.
Setting was immaterial and honestly an inside joke from the OCT OWC.
I could have had them walking down a dirt road or along the beach, it was just simpler... more simple, whatever, to have them in a Hamburger Hamlet booth.

They should be hunting for this mythical dump with danger around every corner.
That'd be a bit much in a dialog concentrated short.
But, yeah. In a semi-feature that's exactly what would happen.

Anyway, I'm sure you get the idea and hope you see the problems I had with this.
I largely do and always appreciate your effort.
Thank you.

I take it:
- the single slug is okay.  :)
- the story, such that it is, is not buried under prose, as I often get hit on.
- the title is appropriate.
- the logline, while lengthy, matches the story, such that it is.
- the story had no confusing parts to it, as I often get hit on.
- no story continuity issues.
- no character dialog & behavior continuity issues.
- the characters don't all talk alike.
- the humor didn't fall dead as a pancake.
- not too many typhos and glamatacle ithews.  :)

Gracias.

D@mn, Phil

That was nice of you.
Thank you.
Sincerely.



Seems I missed a few posts while writing back to Michael.
I appreciate the clean-up, Bert.
Thank you.



Nate...
Yeah.
That.

My posts got deleted...oh well.
Anyway, sent a positive pm to Ray and Phil that hopefully cleared up my perspective on this.
Nate

Nate and I are entering a 12 step program...

Nah, but we are making progress behind the scenes.
Everyone, thank you for your public and private concerns.

Far too much deleting of posts going in round here. It is turning into an epidemic. Sometimes even the worst of posts deserve to stay put, if only as a reminder that this world is made up of many different kinds of people and even useless cretins are allowed to hold an opinion.

If this were my message board the horrible little prick would have been banned. He crossed a line.

It takes a lot to get banned on these boards.  I think only two people have received this honor.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe It takes a lot to get banned on these boards.  I think only two people have received this honor. Phil

Not if you're me...  :-/

Then again, I've had a lot of changes in my life over the years.  I think I'm thinking clearly these days and I don't look for a repeat.

Actually, you weren't on my list, Balt.

Make that three... there's probably more.


Phil

Quoted from Baltis. I think I'm thinking clearly these days and I don't look for a repeat.

at least you were entertaining...

Quoted from Phil I think only two people have received this honor.

Oh, man...I can think of a bunch more than that haha.  Dom, anyone?

But yeah -- it takes quite a bit for Don to pull the trigger.  And some are even back around.  And some I am even glad to see.

Takes a lot to ban, but the threshold for a deleted post is much, much lower.

Quoted from Murph Sometimes even the worst of posts deserve to stay put, if only as a reminder that this world is made up of many different kinds of people and even useless cretins are allowed to hold an opinion.

I know what you are saying, Murph, but preserving the ugly stuff really serves no purpose, and trust me -- over time, it would really start to pollute the boards.

Yep, the main job of us poor moderators is Janitor.  Taking out the trash.

And don't even get me started on the crappy benefits package...

Bert, I suggested to Don years ago that you would be the perfect mod....   :X  :P  ;D

Quoted from Grandma Bear Bert, I suggested to Don years ago that you would be the perfect mod....

Yeah...I am gonna get you for that one of these days, too...

Quoted from bert And don't even get me started on the crappy benefits package...

You get packages of crap as a benefit?  That's awesome!  

You deserve it, big guy.


Phil

Ray,

Just knocked off Glory and Pride.
I like your take on the headline.
I typically enjoy seeing scenarios like this from the other side's point of view.
I was reminded of the recent Woody Harrelson film, "The Messenger".
The action does read a bit thick, so I read through it twice.
I think we both are prone to dense action description.
The high character count was another reason I went back over the material.
But what do I honestly know?
The $1.5 million spec Snow White script starts off this three pages of action description.
The only criticism that sticks out here is the "shooting looks" and "portrait watching".
I understand what you were going for with the portrait though.
The shooting of looks and glares and glances got to me though.

Solid job, I'll check out your furry dialog fest later. Thanks for the read!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from RayW SMALL POWERS by Ray - Fantasy, Short - While a heated argument wages over the legitimacy of a map to eternal feasting, furry friends can't help but use their magical powers to toy with each other. 9 pages - PDF format Let me know what worked and didn't, including the loggie. Thank you!

Ray,

This read easier for me than Glory and Pride.
Since you asked, I'll start with the logline.
I honestly blanked on the second half of the sentence.
I mentally dropped the while and stopped reading after "feasting".
LOL, I don't know why, that's just the way I read it.
A shorter sentence structure would do you some good there, maybe that's why?
"A group of friends discover a map that could set them up for life."
Something like that might draw some attention to your story.

I struggle with economy and efficiency too sometimes, especially early drafts.
Heh, you totally blew the one line of action things, that's a toughy.  
The stuttering in the dialog did slow me down some too.
I think I would like this story better sans the magical powers.
Without them, this reads like a furry take on the Reservoir Dogs opening scene.
I love the idea of them puzzling over landfill maps like on a bank job.
This is a lot of fun and a few steps in the right direction with your writing.
Thanks for the read!

Regards,
E.D.

Ray,

I wouldn't want you to think that I gave you an impossible exercise.  So I did the exercise myself.   This should give you an idea of what I was looking for.

Sisters by Michael - Thriller, Short - Two sisters play a secret game.

Enjoy.

Quoted from RayW (Moderators: If I need to start a new thread, move this elsewhere or something just let me know.) NOVEMBER EXERCISE November => Thanksgiving => Family. Theme: Write a short about anything to do with family. Parents, kids, grandkids, grandparents, adopted, spouses, pets, surrogates, whatever. Elements: November 1st, 2010 New York Times Headlines.

I hit the 'Advanced Search' as well. Noticed a few nice ones- but some of these 'headlines' are from NY Times blogs and smaller stories from the 1st. Do they count also?

Curious.

Note: it's too bad "The Underbelly Project" story was printed up the day before; that would be near PERFECT for a film subject of any kind.

Quoted from mcornetto Ray, I wouldn't want you to think that I gave you an impossible exercise.  So I did the exercise myself.   This should give you an idea of what I was looking for. Sisters by Michael - Thriller, Short - Two sisters play a secret game. Enjoy.

Michael.

This was a real nifty read.
There were a few spots where you had two lines of action, but who cares?
New rule: three action mulligans allowed. Two liners.
The only thing that kept distracting me was the sisters' names.
I'm currently watching The Sarah Jane Adventures on the BBC. =p
I read the ending over...twice.
Question, were the sisters clearing the spot where daddy was buried?
If so, wow, you got me there. Or am I way off base? Fab story!

Regards,
E.D.

P.S. Michael, do you know where the Snow White & the Huntsman script link is?
I tried the search engine to no avail.
I'm reading the damn thing and want to spark some discussion. Thanks.

Quoted from mcornetto I wouldn't want you to think that I gave you an impossible exercise.  So I did the exercise myself.   This should give you an idea of what I was looking for. Enjoy.

Wow.
I honestly figured you were busy, so appreciate your work with me all the more.
I... have some stuff to do today, and will get back to you this weekend.
Fair enough?
"Yes!" I see what you mean, now - and it's an enjoyable short. Not as much as the sisters were having, but...
:)

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley I hit the 'Advanced Search' as well. Noticed a few nice ones- but some of these 'headlines' are from NY Times blogs and smaller stories from the 1st. Do they count also?

Pirate's Code: More of a guideline rather than a rule.
Gopherit.
The point of this exercise is to nail down FORMAT and worry about dialog and the merits of story construct later.
The larger intent is to cut down on citing basics for the 2011 FEB OWC.
Looking over the comments of the 2010 OCT OWC is what inspired this.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Michael. This was a real nifty read. There were a few spots where you had two lines of action, but who cares? New rule: three action mulligans allowed. Two liners. The only thing that kept distracting me was the sisters' names. I'm currently watching The Sarah Jane Adventures on the BBC. =p I read the ending over...twice. Question, were the sisters clearing the spot where daddy was buried? If so, wow, you got me there. Or am I way off base? Fab story! Regards, E.D. P.S. Michael, do you know where the Snow White & the Huntsman script link is? I tried the search engine to no avail. I'm reading the damn thing and want to spark some discussion. Thanks.

I'm pretty sure the instructions said two lines were allowed as a last resort if you felt they were needed.   The whole idea was for Ray to at least try and use one line actions.

But I'm glad you enjoyed the read.  You got it and I got you.  The sister were sharing their secret with you.  I may have been a bit to subtle with it but I thought people would get it.

I think this is the droids you've been looking for... I mean link.

http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2010/10/snow-white-and-huntsman.html

NINJA GOPHERS by Ray - Short, Office Comedy, Drama - The complexities of office politics spill into the streets as cube town gophers fight for more than coffee and muffins. - 16 Pages. PDF Format


Alright, lettuce see if this is any better on trimming the wooly, novelly, flowery.

"No", it's not a complete short.
At fifteen screenplay pages it's already too long for an exercise in format.
It's two and a third acts, and fight sequences are just a royal PITA to choreograph. Especially with dialog in there.
There should be enough in there to determine if I'm doing some things right and wrong.

Michael -
Don't know how well I did or didn't achieve telling the story with dialog rather than action.
I think there's both.
Although I can differentiate between the the story told with dialog and the one through action I'll concede a fail if so levied.


Format/reading elements I'm looking for:
- Does the logline entice you to read this?
   I differentiate between an erroneous (not just bad) logline and a misleading one.
   Some would argue that a misleading is a fail.
   I would cite PTBarnum: Sucker born every minute.
- Are the action lines still too dense?
   I broke it up with dialog whenever possible. Is it working?
- I tried two different match cuts. Did I do it right?
- Three SUPERS used. Correctly?
- PDF page 3 has dual dialog between five characters. Is this successful or did it bomb?
- PDF pg 4 has a sentence with comma breaks amongst dialog. Acceptable?
- A couple times I have action lines break immediately into-- CHARACTER and DIALOG.
   Work or kill?
- PDF 7/8 there are three gophers, Peter/Paul/Larry, with on screen one liners.
   Do I really need to make a visual description on them?
   I did another character, I just thought it would ruin the readership flow to drop one
   in on these guys at this point.
- (Wrylies) used several, like for whispering and into cell phone. Used appropriately?
- PDF 14 I tried a special "close up" shot of a cell phone.  Proper format, with return?
- PDF 15 I have two different dialogs running concurrent on both sides of a busy,
   multi-lane, city street. Do I need to make this an intercut, or is it brief enough to not
   warrant using that specification? In other words - are the names of the characters
   along with the action line descriptions sufficient to preclude intercut specification?
- Is it easy to keep characters separate through name and voice?
   Do they all talk alike?
- Do the off screen dialogs before character intros work?
- Does the title match the work presented?

Any remarks on the story itself are gravy.
This exercise is all about improving readability. Story is another critter altogether.
- Do you like the main protag et al?
- Is the story confusing? Elements of?
- At fifteen minutes in, do you want to see how this ends?
   Even if you know the good guys will win and the bad guys will get what's coming?
- Is the complexity ratcheting up sufficient - with interest - without the new
   characters muddling it all up?

Thank you.

Quoted from RayW NINJA GOPHERS by Ray - Short, Office Comedy, Drama - The complexities of office politics spill into the streets as cube town gophers fight for more than coffee and muffins. - 16 Pages. PDF Format Format/reading elements I'm looking for: - Does the logline entice you to read this?    I differentiate between an erroneous (not just bad) logline and a misleading one.    Some would argue that a misleading is a fail.    I would cite PTBarnum: Sucker born every minute.

Greetings Ray,

Your logline enticed me enough to read this.
I would drop "The complexities of" from your logline for sure.
We never get to see the fight, but I didn't feel jipped either.

Quoted from RayW - Are the action lines still too dense?    I broke it up with dialog whenever possible. Is it working? - I tried two different match cuts. Did I do it right? - Three SUPERS used. Correctly? - PDF page 3 has dual dialog between five characters. Is this successful or did it bomb? - PDF pg 4 has a sentence with comma breaks amongst dialog. Acceptable? - A couple times I have action lines break immediately into-- CHARACTER and DIALOG.    Work or kill?

- Your action reads better overall here, had a few sticking points in the early going.
p. 1Optimistic hopefulness flows from her big blue eyes.
p. 3 SHARON, 38, corporate cougar, firmly clutching onto every
bit of her mature youth, savors over Grayson.
I got stuck on "optimistic hopefulness" it's a mouthful.
"corporate cougar" was enough description for Sharon for me.

- the first match cut, sliding lock to copier worked for me
the second on one the street I didn't even notice, ran right over it

- the five character dialog read fine for me, I got it.

- dunno if the comma breaks are Emily Post, but they helped me visualize

Quoted from RayW - PDF 7/8 there are three gophers, Peter/Paul/Larry, with on screen one liners.    Do I really need to make a visual description on them?    I did another character, I just thought it would ruin the readership flow to drop one    in on these guys at this point. - (Wrylies) used several, like for whispering and into cell phone. Used appropriately? - PDF 14 I tried a special "close up" shot of a cell phone.  Proper format, with return? - PDF 15 I have two different dialogs running concurrent on both sides of a busy,    multi-lane, city street. Do I need to make this an intercut, or is it brief enough to not    warrant using that specification? In other words - are the names of the characters    along with the action line descriptions sufficient to preclude intercut specification? - Is it easy to keep characters separate through name and voice?    Do they all talk alike? - Do the off screen dialogs before character intros work? - Does the title match the work presented?

- I'm Switzerland on the gopher trio, kinda read right past them back to story

- this is the only wryly I could find that stuck out as wrong to me
ROB
(into cell phone)
How many of you does it take?...
He’s a skinny jerk-off, one or two
should do... Yeah... Six,
whatever...

- CLOSE UP OF ROB’S CELL PHONE MAIN SCREEN
I don't think the "close up" part is needed, other than that, it worked for me.

- p. 15 multi dialog thing tripped me up, dunno if its proper but it stopped me reading

- I was fine with the off screen pre-intro dialog. I mentally edited visuals to it.

- The title, is cool, though a bit of a tease so far.

Quoted from RayW Any remarks on the story itself are gravy. This exercise is all about improving readability. Story is another critter altogether. - Do you like the main protag et al? - Is the story confusing? Elements of? - At fifteen minutes in, do you want to see how this ends?    Even if you know the good guys will win and the bad guys will get what's coming? - Is the complexity ratcheting up sufficient - with interest - without the new    characters muddling it all up? Thank you.

Its an enjoyable read. Fun, light, a bit off the hook, which I enjoy.
I have no feelings either way for Grayson, he seems a player, which is fine.
I do want to see how it ends, how Grayson develops, etc.
The later character intros were fine for me, helped usher in new scenes.
I think this exercise is a positive step for you, congrats!

Keep up the good progress.

Regards,
E.D.

I made my own deadline- Thanksgiving.
I made it.

Get ready for...



19 Percent

Spoiled food and a wild night of drinking result in two unlikely buddies to save Thanksgiving from going real foul.

Happy Thanksgiving.

It's a comedy. No surreal horror, unless you count last minute turkey shopping Thanksgiving morning. It's 30 pages long.


(Note: I'll also throw this in the que, but the pdf is hosted by my blogsite, not SS)

Howdy, Darren

Seven day brain fart.
What else can I say?

Hmm...

Not that it makes a big hoo-ha to me, but whassup with the page numbers being in Times rather than Courier?

PDF page 5
She darts away from the table. Searches for items O.S.
Jake downs a cup of juice. Gargles it. Swishes.
Swallows.
PENNY (O.S.)
Thank you God!
JAKE
Thank God for stuffing and
potatoes.
PENNY (O.S.)
Sliced beets! Four cans of
sliced beets! Thank you, sweet
Lord!
Jake gulfs down the rest of the donut.
Good usage of (O.S.) dialog while Jake eats on screen.
gulps for gulfs

PDF Page 6
SUPER: 24 HOURS AGO
Good.

CLIENT
(on intercom)
I don't know, Taylor. I don't
want to make any snap-
Good use of wryly.
Interruption needs two dashes.

PDF pg 7
A CO-WORKER (30s) gives a thumbs up.
CO-WORKER
You are the man!
Good news! You don't really have to provide ages for "bit characters" when it just really doesn't matter.

Pg 10
INTERCUT
Nice.


Okey doke.
Format looks fine.
Like you almost know what you're doing!  ;)

Lotsa white space sentence breaks for action lines.
A couple of typos. No big whup.

Title itself isn't very interesting and only weakly tied into the theme of the story.
Logline is mercifully short, but not very enticing.
"WOW! Two unlikely buddies  save Thanksgiving! WTH is going on here? I MUST know!... "
You know?
Although it does accurately fit the events of the story.

Dialogs of Taylor and Jewel stand out the best.
Penny and Nick make a sane couple.
Yolanda is a mashed potatos-w/o-butter-or-salt third wheel.
Jake was fine, especially giving uncle Taylor a hard time in front of the TV.

Quoted from RayW Howdy, Darren Hmm... Not that it makes a big hoo-ha to me, but whassup with the page numbers being in Times rather than Courier? .

My FD is outdated (v5); the best way I can make PDFS at this time is export put to my Word as a RTF. Adding page numbers will always be in Times New-Roman. Hit print-save as PDF.

Thanks for reading.
It's also in the que for the rest of the masses.