Pleasurebury House by Louis Clifford - Birbeck (Luigithewriter) - Horror - A Young Woman called Lydia inherits an Old house. When they get stuck at the house due to the weather... Things begin to rise out of the ground. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Oh dear. Lots of problems here. Your story just doesn't work IMO. Descriptions are more like ideas jotted down for an outline. Leave out the camera directions. Your slugs need some work. Dialouge is far too on the nose. You need to rethink this whole story (it's been done before and alot better)

Have to agree with Eoin, here.  You threw some visuals together, hoping to get a story.  All you have is, "Here's a girl.  Here's a boy.  Zombies!!  AAAAAHHH!!!"

the end.

You should develop this, especially the characters.  If the reader doesn't care about the characters, he won't care what happens to them.


Phil

A jumbled mess of confusion...  And what's with everyone amateurishly bolding things in their scripts now?  Did I not get the memo in formatting 101 last month?

I dunno, man.  I just don't know...  All 4 pages seem so unnatural and parody to the point of being curious.  There is no motivation here and some of it reads foolishly.  Like the joke is on the reader.  As a reader I don't like being out of the loop and I feel like I am here.

When you decide to not take the initiative in your own work as you displayed with "Zombies or Skeletons come out of the ground"... I mean, which one is it?  And if you don't know then who does?  Are you wanting people to give you ideas?  If so, I think they should be skeletons.  They haven't been done to death yet.

But there are more problems than that going on here... The whole camera directing.  The whole novel-like telling.  It all reads clumsy and very un-screenplay-like.  I think Phil said something to the degree of fleshing the idea out and building character... Building a story.  And I think that is spot on.  You don't have either and you might be amazed what adding those two elements can bring you.

I read your script on a whim and the basis I just got back home after a long night and wanted to read something short and horror.  I don't want to sound rude, and I probably will have to re-evaluate this whole post tomorrow when I wake up... But if I did offend you I'm sorry.  I'm not trying to detour you from writing, rather I'm trying to help you understand the sum of where you went wrong at.

Louis,

Sadly, I don't really have much to add to what's already been said.
There are programs out there to help you with formatting, Celtx is free, Final Draft is pay.
Is this part of a larger story? If so, you will have to develop plot and characters.
Leave out the camera directions, unless you are shooting this yourself I suppose.
Try to keep you action descriptions as simple as possible and less like a novel.
I have problems myself with that one in early drafts.
Good luck and if you love writing, keep trying and you will get better.

Regards,
E.D.

A note of caution, and a quibble, reflecting much of what's already been said.

The note of caution's about your use of camera directions. As you can tell by now, a lot of people don't like them. And there are ways of describing what's going on, visually, without having to use them.

The quibble's about your dialogue. It seems, I don't know, stilted? Formal?

Lydia's interaction with the operator has the beginnings of naturalistic dialogue. Perhaps you can take a lead from that.

Don't be afraid to slang it up, a lot. This is horror, and when shit happens, people say "Shit!", and other stuff as well. Sounds more natural, and doesn't sign-post the action.

Best of luck,

Des