On Board Eternity by Robert Villani (uncle) - Sci Fi, Fantasy - A man reliving the same nightmare over and over again finds out why after meeting an old man and a shocking story. - html, format 8)

Hey Uncle,

I decided to have a look at this seeing as I'm writing a similar story. Mine is about a guy stuck in a hour, and yours is about a guy stuck in a nightmare. It's all got a groundhog day kinda theme.

But anyway, I think your script needs a lot of work. One way of telling whether a screenplay is going to be good is by reading the first page. Yours ain't that good to tell you the truth.

The grammer, punctuation and spelling is a bit out of sorts. It seems like you didn't proof read it. Another thing is that your dialogue is too wordy and structured. It doesn't flow or feel real. I would take out an example but basically its all of it.

Plus you tell us things in the actions and descriptions, instead of showing us. An example of this is this line you use.

'Both Steve and Debbie live together in an apartment in upstate n.y.'

You need to show us this. It's a film, we can only hear it or see it. Show through dialogue or action.

But basically sorry but I couldn't get into it. If its changed up, I'd love to look at it again.

Cool

M.G.