Nemesis by David W Kane - Short, Horror - A teenager learns that doing the Lord's work can be murder. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

I don't know exactly how to feel about this.

One thing is for sure. The story is simple and direct. No spelling errors (although I would spell out low numbers in dialog and discard the ":" when a character quotes scripture. Also, CAPPING one name upon introduction is fine. Constantly doing it (with SAME character) in each new line of narrative isn't needed. Also, KEVIN should replace BOY on p1.

At first the OLD MAN appears to be a neighbor. Then it changes to Kevin's grandfather, and Kevin must "carry on" a family tradition". If so, did his Father....well, we'll never know. What we do know is that scripture is used as a 'horror selling point', but then the characters say or commit immoral acts which contradicts that dogma. It winds up being cliche.

The bigger question is why Kevin would do what he does at the end. His grandfather may be a disturbed nutcase, sure. But he would be rather hesitant in doing those actions against a family member. Even if he wanted Megan to do what he wanted Kevin to do. (or at least, I think so)


You also want to watch those paragraph blocks. 3-4 lines max.Not 8-9.

All in all, it's not bad. But it's just too bland for me in the torture porn department.
-DjS

Thanks for the input.  I will correct those formatting errors.

To clarify some of your points:

1. I think my log line is weak.  I am trying to conceal the fact that the old man is his grandfather until later in the script, so I didn't want to have it in the log line.  Can you suggest a better one that would fit this story?  The idea is that at the beginning, this old man is talking to Kevin and then you see the police poster about a sexual predator.  So, you think that the old man is the sexual predator from the poster, but then it is revealed that it is his grandfather and that the man in the basement is the predator.  Then the end shows that Grandpa is a sexual predator as well.  I thought it added layers to the characters and kept the reader off track enough not to guess what is about to happen (which is so easy to fall into with short scripts).

2. I can see that the "family tradition" angle is not complete, but I needed a reason that he would be getting Kevin involved in all of this.  I will think on it more and see if I can come up with a better approach.

3. As far as the use of scripture by the characters, I thought it was obvious that Grandpa is taking those verses extremely literally and out of context to justify his actions.  While this isn't supposed to be a comment on modern religion, I thought it was a good element to increase the intensity and "creep factor" for that character.  While use of religion in horror is cliched, I thought this was an interesting way to go about it.

4.  With Kevin's actions at the end, I think they are justified by his anger over discovering that *Spoiler* Grandpa was a sexual predator as well and Megan (Kevin's sister) was one of his victims.  It would be in the same sense that a mother would kill someone who threatened her kids, even though she would be against killing in general.  I have since revised that part of the story to clarify that Megan was a victim of Grandpa's.  Instead of being the only envelope in the drawer, there are now a stack of them, each with names written on them.  The idea was that Grandpa was keeping something from each person he victimized.  In Megan's case, it was her bloodied panties.  After Kevin witnesses what his Grandfather does to the man in the basement, and then discovers that his sister has been victimized by him as well, it sets him off and he does what he does to protect his family and to stop a monster.  Once Kevin does snap. he is also basically becoming psychotic the way that Grandpa is.  This is why he so calmly dispenses justice to Grandpa (which is a contrast to his hysterical behavior moments earlier).  So it is implied that Kevin has become the new Grandpa despite his protests.  

This plot twist also plays into the Bible quotes that Grandpa has been saying the whole time.  Everything that Grandpa says applies to Everett as well as to himself.

"Nemesis" is the Greek goddess of divine retribution against those who have offended the gods.  So Grandpa serves as the divine retribution against Everett and then Kevin becomes the tool for divine retribution against Grandpa, showing that Grandpa's actions have offended "the gods" as much as Everett's has.

I thank you again for the read and the feedback.  If you have any more thoughts, please let me know.  This is my first script and I think it could be good with some small reworking.

David W Kane