PDF my right foot. The file is in a RTF - which explains why the short has probably been passed over and nearly buried. Another reason?
The title on the title page should be more closer to the center.
When I got to p2, I almost gave up. But I figured you might be left in the dark about a few things, so I want to help in any way I can. Let's start with THE BRO.
Quoted Text
THE BRO
Jeremy, no one on minimum
wage get’s action. And to all
our listeners, remember the
bro’s rules of hooking up. 1.
No money no honey. 2. No
bread no sled. 3. If you kiss
her with your eyes closed
your’e whipped. 4. Hook up
kings don’t get whipped.
Take it from 99.9 the bro.
Hey honey, when is this going
to happen, do you have a girl
in mind?
|
The Bro should be a fast, smooth talker. While technically the numbers should be written out - one, two etc. I;m to suggest that you actually
write them out. Give Bro some hustle!
Let's have another look:
Quoted Text
THE BRO
Jeremy, remember the
Bro’s rules of hooking up.
No money no honey. No
bread no sled. Don't kiss
her with your eyes closed
Hook up kings don’t get whipped.
(back to Bi-Girl)
Hey honey, when is this going
to happen, do you have a girl
in mind?
|
You'll notice some words are edited out. This is because it reads like he's berating Jeremy, and giving Jeremy the advice. He isn't. he's talking to Bi-Girl on the line. So he also doesn't need to say "all my listeners" because all his listeners are already tuned in. He says the same thing three times. But it's got some flow, so all but the first line ('No one on minimum wage") can be kept. The next two lines 'no money' and 'no sled' are terrific. They don't need a 1 or 2- they are essentially the same. But it sounds good together. The shorthand should remain, he's talking to Jeremy- so he does not need to say 'don't kiss her with your eyes closed, you're whipped' for the next line is clear. 'Don't kiss her with your eyes closed. Hook up kings don't get whipped' says it all. "Take it from 99.9 the bro." Isn't needed. Why? During the course of his conversation with Bi-Girl he'll mention "99.9 the Bro" a number of times.
You also want to drop the opening of the script "Welcome to the show" as we obviously have joined the show in progress if not right after a sponsor break See p4:
Quoted Text
THE BRO
Remember folks, 99.9, I’m the bro,
you’re the ho. Be real, be straight,
and listen to our sponsors commercial.
Jeremey hits some buttons, an ad for some condom starts playing. The bro takes off his headphones and hit’s the intercom ,mic to Jeremy.
THE BRO
Jeremy, that’s like 5 lesbo’s tonight,
give me something to work with.
|
Five? I only heard one caller when the first went on the air a few minutes ago.
"Listen to our sponsor's commercial" -even if it involves condoms- is incorrect.
Try "we'll be right back" or something like...
Quoted Text I’m the bro, you’re the ho. This is 99.9 but even we must toe the line. Time to pay some bills.
|
Speaking of paying the fine, about p6-7, I'm starting to think that "99.9" is a pirate radio, because there's no way in hell The Bro Show would get away with his babble without getting hammered by the FCC and/or angey callers who would boycott whatever products or companies would sponsor him. He's a crass, narrow minded SOB I understand that. But I wouldn't give this clown a minute of time. That's his character, I don't have to like him.
The writer though...when you give your characters the names " Line 5" it's too generic. "Line 5" is even referred to by name.(Janie). "BI-GIRL" ID's herself as "Suzy" but you give her the character header 'BI-GIRL" Then there's Hook, a DJ who dresses like an exploitation pimp.
When Steve (The Bro) is canned by the manager, it isn't due to the content of the show, it's because his own dirty laundry got over the air. The manager also suggests that Bro will bounce back like Stern, better than ever. He should be called to task for his content- and it is loosely connected that his own marital stress may have led to his Devil Mat Care attitude on the air. Instead, you sweep that reasonable breakdown under a rug like it wasn't even possible.
That, Kevin, is not good writing. Period.
In essence, you lose nothing, you gain pace.
The Bro is a shock jock; a Howard Stern wannabe.
INT, LISTENERS APARTMENTS, KITCHENS, CARS. SAME TIME (p14)
INT. 99.9, CONT’D.
Wrong usage.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
People listen in homes, cars, mp3 headphones etc.
INT. WWXX. -SAME
What's "WWXX"? It's the radio station. You didn't mention the call letters, so I just came up with one. Call letters is what any local radio or tv station has. They are not a location by frequency.
I don't think there's much to salvage here, unless you stopped with the juvinile mindset and rework it in the future as a sex-shock jock who brreaks down under the stress of his own relationships. Wouldn't that be a story.
-DJS