You're Never Ready by Gillian Fu (gigifufu) - Short, Drama - Through rashness, a boy signs himself up for war without knowledge of the risks he is taking. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

Gillian,

This could easily be two pages. Again, not gonna get into the unfilmable argument, but you've got so many for three pages it's annoying.

Quoted Text A sparrow takes off above his head and it captivates his attention. He is jealous of the sparrow. Free to go wherever it wants, whenever.

This is very novelistic type writing. It's more then we need for a screenplay. The first sentence is all that is needed IMO. We could get from film that he longs for freedom.

I didn't really see a turn to a third act. Tristan joins the army. The recruiters have a bit of a laugh.

Also, have a problem with your time period. And location. 18 is the current age to enter the army in the U.S. It sure was alot younger back in the days of civil war and such. So this feels off to me. Especially because they're on horses.

Formatting looked good though. This could use some work.

James

Gillian,
          This is the third script of yours I'ev read. You still have the same basic problems.
1. Your writing style is more like that found in a novel than the visual description suited to filmed media.
2. You include lots of unfilmables, including characters thoughts and states of mind. Film is visual, show don't tell.
3. Your character descriptions need to be visual and to the point with proper introductions. Didn't you us the name Tristan in another script?
4. Your dialouge is forced and unnatural and used as a device to explain the story.
5. Your story is undeveloped, it has no start middle or end. This script is more like an undeveloped scene. I don't get what this is about?

I suggest you read some scripts and get a handle on format, style, tone, character development and story structure.

Hi Gillian,

I guess I would have to agree with the previous two reviewers regarding this effort.  While I'm willing to forgive "novelistic" writing to some extent as I find myself a victim to it from time to time, I think it's important that you can only get away with that type of thing once you are already established.  Then again, on some level, I think it's important to write what pleases you, and, if done well, the audience will forgive.

I think where I really agree with the others is that there needs to be more to the story for it to be successful.  I think you need to show more of Tristan's backstory in order for your message to really come across.  

As Eoin pointed out, I think the dialouge could use some work, and I would address the time period concerns that Jwent raised.  You may have a story to tell, or a larger point to be made, but I think this needs a little more room to grow.  Hope that helps.

Craig

James: Thanks for your comments, they're really constructive. By the way, I love your script So Pretty.

Eoin: Always appreciate your honest opinions. However, I am only 13 therefore I don't really know the difference between novel and film description. Also, I have been reading other scripts and comments. Yers I did, but I love the name and didn't think anyone would notice.

Craig: Thanks for your comments.

Film description is written in the present tense. It is simple, concise, clear and SHOWS what is happening on screen at any point in time.

Film Description: John walks along the beach.

Novel Description: John was walking along the beach when suddendly he stopped. A thought occured to him. What if seagulls could speak. (yes this is influenced by your latest script)

While characters can have thoughts, they are not written down, just their actions and reactions. We can then figure out what they were thinking.

I figured you had a fascination with that name. I notice everything :)

My advice is to listen to the way people speak, it will improve your dialouge. Also notice people's body language, their gestures, facial expressions etc. Sometimes people can say one thing and mean another. If you need help, just ask.

Thank you so much with the suggestions.... So less description and no thoughts, right?

Haha. Yeah, it's a cool name. :)

If my character is lying, should I explain that he is lying in the action lines or not?

Don't explain that your character is lying - SHOW it. For example if we SEE that your character is wearing blue shoes and later if that character says he/she doesn't own a pair of blue shoes, we know he/she is lying. You don't have to write in your description that the character is lying.

The idea of the rule is that writing a screenplay, you only state what you can SEE or HEAR on the screen.  Because that's all the audience will get.

So, for example, when he's watching the sparrow you would just state:

"A sparrow takes off above his head and it captivates his
attention.  He watches it for several moments with a wistful expression."

That way everything is visible, with no thoughts or emotions the audience can't see on his face, if you get the distinction.

Good luck.