A Playful Heart by Gillian Fu (gigifufu) - Short, Drama - A little boy's simple mind makes his mother's marriage problem appear to be simple. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

I don't know what to say about this one. The little boy sure does not fit the description of the 'simple minded boy' in your log line. His dialogue was just more mature than I wanted.

I did enjoy some of the symbolism with the birds flying away just as the dad shows up. I do think the father needs more of an arc. He could start off being nice and wanting his wife and kid back. Then maybe his son says something about his father and his true colors show. The mother tries to stick up for her son but gets hit once again. This time for the last.

Hi Gillian,

I think this is the second short that I've read of yours and I think I enjoyed this effort more.  I thought you started out pretty strong, but for me, once Carl shows up, I think it turned a bit cliche.  

I think I would have liked to see you play against type with Carl.  You describe him as kind of a muscle bound guy, and that's fine, but not only meat heads beat their woman.  Carl could have just as easily been a skinny twerp and been the same kind of person.

I think, as webbwayne mentioned above, that Carl's character could use a little more development.  In order to accomplish that, I think that this short could probably be expanded by a few pages.

Anyway, hope that helps.  Good luck.

Craig

Hey, Gillian.

Not a bad story you have here, but not exactly a good one, either.  The main downfall I feel is that a lot of the dialogue comes off as a little bit stale, which, I think, takes some the believability out of the story for me, how the mother would make such a rash decision so quick.  Don't get me wrong, I think the mother made the right decision in not going back to the father, but I just didn't like how you showed her getting to that decision.  Just because her son said something about a flock of talking seagulls?

Also, I don't really understand the part about seagulls not liking little girls.  I understand why they don't like mean dads... But little girls?  Maybe it's just me and I missed something.  Also, I think the 'MORE's and (CONTINUEDS) just get in the way of the storytelling and are not necessary in the slightest.

Anyhow, as short as it is, I think you put a lot of thought into the story and it seems like you really enjoy writing, so definately keep at it.

- Mark

Hi Gillian, I don't see any responses from you, but I'll go ahead and add some comments anyway.

Sorry to say, but this isn't good...in any way.  There is some potential, IMO, but you did not pull it off.

You start off with 3 mistakes in a row, and that is not the way to start for sure.

First of all, "FADE IN:" goes in the upper left corner, not the right.  It just amazes me how often people get this wrong, and/or don't care, and/or just want to be rebels for some reason.  It's a red flag though, so there just isn't reason to do it.

Secondly, your opening Slug is incorrectly formatted, in that your dash needs a space on both sides of it.  A nit picky comment?  Maybe, but it looks off and again, this is a red flag and you don't want red flags waving before you even start your script.

Finally, you start the script proper with a POV, which is completely incorrectly done.  A POV "shows" exactly what a character sees through his eyes.  That's it...nothing more, nothing less.  Also, when you start a POV, you also have to end it, and you didn't.  It's also a form of directing, and for the most part, completely unnecessary.

Just a really poor way to start things out.

Story-wise, there's very little here.  The dialogue is pretty bad, IMO.  The one saving grace that I think could make this into a decent "little" short is the bird angle you hint on.  Maybe John really can communicate with the birds and maybe the birds understand John's situation.  If nothing else, it would be a unique take on a tired subject matter.

Oh, and lose all those "CONTINUED" pieces of garbage on the tops and bottoms of your pages.  They are a complete waste of space.

Hope this helps, and it would be nice if you acknowledge your readers and read and comment on other scripts, as well.

Take care.

"First of all, "FADE IN:" goes in the upper left corner, not the right.  It just amazes me how often people get this wrong, and/or don't care, and/or just want to be rebels for some reason.  It's a red flag though, so there just isn't reason to do it."

Jeff,

I've seen a couple of people mention this on the boards, and I was curious as to how hard and fast this rule was.

I just pulled open my desk and grabbed a script to check ("American Beauty") and it was on the left.  That said, I feel like I've seen the "Fade In" on the right margin on other professional scripts.

As for me, all of mine are on the right for one simple reason - that's how Final Draft 8 formats it.  Is there a way to change this?  Is it really a turnoff to do it on the right margin, or is it more of an either/or sitch?

I'm not too much of a formatting freak, but I do like to follow the conventional rules.  

Don't mean to hijack the thread, but I was curious about this.

Thanks,
Craig

Craig, I've also seen it in the upper right quite often, but it's not correct.  I've also heard that FD, for some odd reason, puts it in the upper right...but I'm sure you can change that somehow with FD.

There are those who argue this point to no end, and say it doesn't matter. There are others, like me, who always draw attention to this, Balt being one of them.

I look at it like this...words on a page move from left to right.  It's a "natural" assumption that a script would start in the upper left side of the page.  It follows that your final "FADE OUT" would be placed in the lower right side of your last page, which, of course, it does.

For me, it's pretty much like I said in my post here to Gillian...there are certain things that come off as red flags.  Why would anyone want to start their script with red flags waving?  There's just no reason for it.  You don't want to piss off your readers before they even begin reading the script proper.

My advice, just drop the FADE IN: altogether and then you got nothing to worry about. It is only useful when starting with OVER BLACK: and you want to be clear about when the lights come on.

It is a camera direction and just a relic from when scripts used to contain camera directions, hence why screenwriting software places it on the right of the page, when using camera directions they should go on the right.

FADE IN: has only stuck around because of tradition and a throwback to how scripts used to start. There are many scripts now that just dispense with it altogether, In fact I would say it is about 50/50. Best you just drop it and thus keep the format Nazis quiet.

Or just do away with FADE IN, FADE OUT, all Slugs, all punctuation, and write in short hand.

NOT...

Just abide by the rules and understand why they are in place.  Do what makes sense.  Understand what you're doing and why you're doing it.

It's not that difficult...and it's all in place for a reason.

"I look at it like this...words on a page move from left to right.  It's a "natural" assumption that a script would start in the upper left side of the page.  It follows that your final "FADE OUT" would be placed in the lower right side of your last page, which, of course, it does."

It seems like it's going to be hard to come to a consensus on this, and I'm still not sure if it's that big of a deal.  That said, I'll admit that the rationale that you give above seems logical and is probably the best argument I've heard so far in favor of starting the "Fade In" on the left margin.

Anyway, thanks for the input.

Craig

Webbwayne: Thanks for the read!
Craig: I completely understand your point and sorry for not answering sooner but this discussion board is blocked in school. I'm sorry but what side should it be on then?
Mark: Thanks yours is probably the most positive review I've ever had. Little boys just don't really like little girls I guess....
Dreamscale: Thank you for your suggestions but what side should it be on?

"FADE IN:" goes in the upper left corner of your script, as soon as you have something on the screen.

Are you suing screenwriting software?  As I noted, your Slugs look to be incorrectly formatted.

Read up on POV's also, and get rid of it in this situation.

Best of luck to you.

Ok thanks...

BTW the cont'd on tha top is added immediatley on celtx and do you know who I can take it off?

I don't use Celtix but I'm sure you can over-ride the system and get rid of those things.

You may want to start a thread asking how to do that with Celtix...I know alot of people here use it.

Good luck.

- At the screen bottom, select the "TypeSet/PDF" tab.
- Just above the display/work area, select "Format Options", between "Save PDF" button and the page numbers.
- On the pop up, select "Mores and Continueds"
- Click OFF all boxes.




GL!

Ray, you are amazing...and I mean that in a serious and good way!

Considering where our relationship stood when the last 7WC was due, that is quite a bold statement on your behalf.

You have my enduring respect, Jeff.
Thank you.

Flawed like anyone else, I am a good man.

Gillian,

Congrats on completing a short. I almost didn't read it to be honest.
The triple whammy format faux paw opener almost killed it for me.
Jeff went over the reasons why in excellent detail, but yeah, quite a doozy.
I liked the opening with the boy and seagulls.
However, once the meathead shows up , it goes downhill.
Your dialogue veers into very on the nose territory.
Everybody says exactly what they are thinking the exact moment they think it.

Review, Rewrite and resubmit. good luck with your writing.
I bet you'll get more input on this if you review some works by site regulars.

Regards,
E.D.