The Cross Keys by S S Khela (SukhiKay) - Horror - England, a confused, beleaguered nation, rages and reels in the run up to a dystopian 2012.   An ominous year of mythical and ancient reckoning is ushered in by an almighty, punishing storm that leads the nation ever closer to a frenzied, brutal revelation. 102 pages - doc, format 8)

Hi Sukhi,

First, congratulations on finishing your script, we all know how much work it takes to complete one, so you deserve credit for getting it done. With that out of the way and moving on, your script opening is way too overwritten. You have over 15 pages (which is where I stopped reading) depicting how storms have ravaged the country. That degree of detail is unnecessary. You could have summed it all up in a single line, something like:

"On that fateful day of 2012, when the ancient Mayan calendars predicted the end of civilization, the world was struck by a series of cataclysmic storms that ravaged the globe."

Once we read that, most of us have seen enough Nicolas Cage movies to imagine the devastation that occurred and we can move forward with the story -- which really begins when we're introduced to the protagonist and find out what s/he is after. But page after page of waves crashing, winds blowing stuff all around, thunder and lighting and so on... gets boring fast. Maybe you can shrink that all down to a page or two, but even that much will be plenty. What we have right now is way too much pointless action that's going nowhere.

What we really want is to be introduced to who we're supposed to identify with and learn where the story is headed. Which leads to the next problem, we meet like a dozen different (random?) characters in the first ten pages, and its not clear which one is the protagonist. This doesn't work. Even in an ensemble cast, there has to be some rhyme or reason to why we're being introduced to a particular character, and a sense of what brings them all together. As far as I can tell, in your script there is none. It's all a chaotic jumble. Figure out what characters we really need to meet, and some logical sequence in which we're introduced to them. Once you establish that, we have the makings of an intelligible story.

On to some technical problems. Your screenplay doesn't follow proper formatting guidelines. Your left and right margins (as well as top and bottom), dialogue spacing, character indents, etc are all off. It looks like you formatted it yourself to look similar to what you think a screenplay should look like without actually knowing the exact specifications (which do exist, and you can look up in Google). Also, large chunks of exposition and dialogue are frowned upon. One of the hardest aspects of screenwriting is learning to economize: trying to use as few words to convey as much meaning as possible. And if need be, break them up into smaller chunks so that the reader isn't forced to look at at dialogue or scene description in blocks that are nearly half a page long.

You'll be doing yourself a favor by reading professional scripts, and seeing how seasoned screenwriters get the job done. It's not easy figuring out how writing for this medium (the screen) differs from regular prose, but I wish you luck!

John

Hello John - cheers for taking the time to read and reply.  
I wrote this script in 2006 and I just formatted it manually after downloading scripts and copying thier format styles - as I have no training or schooling in writing so just hit and hoped it was close enough!
I originally sent it to the BBC for some new writers scheme and they replied back with some positives but also agreed it was slightly 'verbose' and again the characters are not clearly defined enough to merit thier respective introductions and conclusions.
Thanks for your advice though - much appreciated.  Will try and have another stab with a more professional outlook.
Cheers
Sukhi K

Just a quick note - feel I must add the lack of sympathetic characters is due to this being an anthology horror like Hammer used to make in the 70s with five stories within one.  The five main characters to some degree represtented the core ills that had contributed to the death of a nation and the assumed 'paradise lost' i.e. self serving and corrupt politicians from both ends of the spectrum [1 & 2], the mass media [3], wealthy, above the law, crime lords [4] & false prophets of religion and salvation [5].  I still like the concept but am aware you have to kill your darlings sometimes and get it as short, clear and succint as possible - which evidently mine was not at all times. oh well...Onwards.....
Cheers.

Normally at this point, I would usually say, "That's very ambitious, good luck with that." But you seem like a nice person.

Here are some pitfalls when trying to convey a difficult theme like the one you've just described (not to mention, highly problematic from a story perspective as you have no relatable protagonist). Your story runs the risk of being heavy-handed in its broad criticism of humanity. First, people don't like to be preached at. No one's going to pay six quid to see a tentpole flick that tells them that mankind sucks. Think back, when was the last time you saw a movie that had no sympathetic characters or redeeming message whatsoever? Films that are critical of some flaw, contrast that with its opposite good as a moral lesson to the viewer. And even then, has to be done in a subtle way as not to appear overly judgmental or preachy, because that will immediately turn the audience off.

Second, what exactly are you telling us that we don't already know? We're aware that politics corrupts, that mass media deadens its viewers, that the wealthy see themselves as being above the law, and so on...  This is nothing new. What is unique about your perspective that portrays these ideas in a new light?

If you really are serious about the screen craft, you'll want to learn the technical aspects of how to format properly, as well as learning to write lean, along with tricks like entering a scene late and exiting early, leaving action unseen to be supplied by the viewer's imagination, and so forth. If you want to check out a guide to writing commercially, Blake Snyder's 'Save the Cat' is a pretty good resource. I would also recommend Robert McKee's 'Story' as a deeper analysis of film and story creation.

Lastly, good luck. Screenwriting is not easy to learn, and takes most people years to master, so hang in there and keep plugging away.