p1 and 2: I'm greeted with a CAMERA angle, an uncapped "Mother" who has no first name and a lot of forced exposition. It's one thing if Christian's ex is causing him extra grief. It's another issue talking about a job he didn't like for ten years
and then talking about his new job. When Mom says "what's new" the conversation should be about recent events. She could even ask how the new job is going. This is a mother and her adult son sharing a cab.
They are close, not distant. You also "tell me" where they are headed."The wind is cold..." Have Mother shiver ans her son put on her coat or scarf. Cold wind is tough to see unless there is something visual to back it up.
p2 write out the word percent.
Not sure what the story about The Son Of Sam has to do with anything. Not sure why when Christian and Sheryl open the case the car outside happens to roll down the street, hit a tree and explode. The huge blocks of text aren't helping.
Just get right to it.
I don't care about the tea. I don't care about the Son Of Sam. Sheryl is not to my knowledge, romantic with Christian. So I don't get the "we" thing either (p15) she "cares" about him (16) and both care less about the freak thing with the pinto and more about the cash. While it's true they(?) could get a better car with some of the money it's the thought that counts. Note that on p17 Christian has Sheryl to swear she won't tell anyone about the money. But what about the Pinto? Witnesses, firemen, cops...? (you also don't need to give me an exact amount of what is picked up off the floor, BTW) Sheryl also contradicts herself on p 20-21.
Here's how this conversation starts. They talk about dating habits (which is uncalled for as both are painted rather sleazy...they must be joking, but I'm not so clear that they are. It isn't the best conversation to have with someone over dinner) and when Christian says "let's run away together" she says no. She then goes on about the money and the key.
Think about this setup here.
They are, at this time, not a couple. She is NOT entitled to any of the money or what the key may unlock. She does not want to run away with him, thus "share" the money. She But she wants to find out what the key unlocks. Why?The scene at the storage garage could be shorter, and since we find new wheels there, I wonder what the deal with the Pinto was to begin with? Since the Caddy starts right up, I mean.
Quoted Text The road splits up ahead and he must choose to continue on 295 or take 76 west to Philadelphia. He chooses 76 and brings the car up to 85 mph. |
Try something like:
The road splits up ahead, he takes the 76 West exit.
Speeds up to 85.
The excitement is too much for Sheryl, so now Jill enters the picture. Big OTN conversations about her
past love life
and her most recent breakup. So what. This is how I'm intro'd to the character. I have no investment, I don't know who she is, and she's the second woman to ramble on about past exploits. :'(
The script needs a better pace. Imagine this: Christian and Mother go to the Will reading (note: dear Mom,gets zilch) and the *only* thing Christian gets is the case. He opens the case. Empty, or so it seems. Snoopy friend finds flase bottom. They find cash and the key. They are not romantic with each other but are good friends. The key is to a storage garage 88.
Some mystery man (or men) is after the money and/or what it all leads to. Jill gets involved, wants in. Or dump Sheryl and have Jill take her place from the start. (actually, I like the triangle possibility)
We only need 10 to 13 pages for that, not 34.
And then there's Jill and Christian on philosophy in the car. Speed of light (who cares?) inventing Rock and Roll (so what?) and a fella named Christian willing to change his name. (Seriously, if you "saved" Jesus from being crucified he would not be 'Jesus CHRIST' now would he?) But it's pointless conversation anyway. In any case, Christian is spouting off factoids out of character. Where did he work again? Hotel room. Hey, Kris Kristofferson ia a good actor, wonderful musician I agree. What's it got to do with anything?
The Man In Black on p43 asks about Christian being at the garage. This implies that he was not the one chasing after Christian and Sheryl earlier. By the way, give MIB a name other than MAN.
When you start forgetting your locations and where you are, (scenes go INT to EXT without headers) on 42 and 54-55, I'm more than tempted to stop reading. I'm surprised I made it this far. By 63, I'm done.
I don't want to be a negative guy, but this reads like a germ of an idea and you didn't know where to go with it. It reads really rough, and I really made an effort to get into it, but by halfway through, I didn't care anymore. There's nobody to care about. Motivation and momentum, whatever there was of it, is gone.
It then occurred to me that there is nothing "out there" on the trip. No more answers, no clues, they are...just...there. If I'm wrong, the motives are lost in inkblots.
I was starting to dig the dead insects, and I was still curious over a few minor details, but it wasn't enough to get me through.
-DJS