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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Fifty Fifty
Posted by: Don, December 16th, 2010, 10:15pm
Fifty Fifty by Matias Caruso (mr. z) - Short, Action, Thriller - Rival bounty hunters must join forces to capture a modern day witch. Oh, and they used to be married. 7 pages

Second Place October Moviepoet Contest - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: stebrown, December 17th, 2010, 9:40am; Reply: 1
Hey Matias

I read this over at MP after the competition ended and liked it a lot. Another solid script with a very cool premise and characters.

I love the visuals in this script as we intercut between the miniature and the actual shack. Your descriptions were all easy to follow, which is an achievement as this could have been quite complicated.

The only thing I would have liked to understand a little better was the different powders and such. It didn't harm this script for me and I can't really see how you could fit an explanation in, but I'm just curious haha.

Only typo I found was the bottom of page 3 - "He climbs it up as..." should be "He climbs up it as..."

Loved the reversal in the dialogue at the end. A nice ending.

Ste
Posted by: RayW, December 17th, 2010, 9:57am; Reply: 2
Excellent story, Matias.

I'm continually impressed with the wide diversity of characters, settings and elements you bring into your work.
Posted by: Electric Dreamer, December 17th, 2010, 10:35am; Reply: 3
Greetings Matias,

Fluid, clever and engaging. Seems tailor made for Brangelina. ;)
Your hunters do have a touch of the "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" vibe to them.
You establish the rules of your world and characters with aplomb.
I'm never lost and you effectively show, not explain, how magic works here.
The only thing I found lacking was the witch's motivation, not big deal though.
It would have played nicely with your couple if she did love manipulation magics.
Some one liner about being under a spell at the end or something nifty like that.
Oh, and the kiss at the end. Didn't work for me. Seemed a bit too pat. No biggie.

Breezy well crafted fun with a flair for pacing and thoughtful action. Kudos!

Regards,
E.D.
Posted by: Grandma Bear, December 17th, 2010, 4:13pm; Reply: 4
Hey Z,

nice one as always. Have nothing really to offer here as it's very good as it is.

On page 1 though you write a hunter looks up or something like that. For a few seconds there I thought there was yet another hunter. You might want to change that to One of the Hunters.

I agree with E.D that I would have liked to know the Witch's motivations and the kiss at the end didn't work. Turned it all cheesy all of a sudden. I didn't think that fit these two characters. I mean, fine if they do later, but not this early.

Btw, you have a gift for cool dialogue.

Pia  :)
Posted by: Mr.Z, December 18th, 2010, 10:58am; Reply: 5
Thanks for the read guys; I'll definitely do a rewrite on this based on your feedback.

@ste: Sorry that the powder confused you. Too many powders yeah? Good thing I cut that scene where the witch was sniffing coke.  :)

Thanks for pointing the typo. I'll fix that.

@Ray: Thanks man, I'm flattered.

@Electric Dreamer: Yesyesyes, I loves  me some Brangelina! Sorry about the pussy ending; that kiss is likely to go in the next draft.

@Pia: Well, not even the chicks like the kiss so, yeah, I'll definitely cut the kiss. Thanks for your honesty. Glad you enjoyed the dialogue.  :)
Posted by: jwent6688, December 18th, 2010, 11:23am; Reply: 6
Good stuff Matias,

I pretty much just read your shorts for entertainment value. I can't fucken improve this stuff.

James
Posted by: cloroxmartini, December 18th, 2010, 11:39am; Reply: 7
I like Scarlett (Johansson) and Ewan (McGregor) doing their thing. Their banter is familiar but setting it in this situation gives that kind of banter some new life. This is their job and they are good at what they do (maybe the best), just getting through this job so they can move on to beer-thirty and the next job.

The action narrative doesn't flow well (for me) in two important instances: the intro with the hunters and the witch in the attic doing her thing with the little model shack. These are the only two scene setups and I had to stop and figure out was going on both times. I did, obviously, but it was awkward.

Fun stuff.
Posted by: grademan, December 18th, 2010, 5:26pm; Reply: 8
Mr.  Z!

Congrats on the MP finish.

This one would be good to intro a new Indiana Jones and Jones with a different setting.

Your narrative and dialogue are snappy.

Don’t like underlined sentences when there is a natural emphasis there already.

I would not have thought the two were married previously unless I reread the logline. I thought they were hot for each other at one time. If I had picked up on that, the ending kiss would have made (more) sense.

I was confused at the start. There were hunters and then a character is referred to as
The Hunter. I am not sure what I missed.

The kiss at the end wasn’t right. Maybe a slap followed by some witty remark, and then the kiss.

Gary
Posted by: mode11, December 18th, 2010, 7:06pm; Reply: 9
I really liked the banter back and forth between the two characters and really like the beginning and how you establish the area. My only negative thing would be the the line, "the definition of bad ass". Just seemed cheap and lazy to me.

I also liked the line reversal at the end.
Posted by: Mr.Z, December 19th, 2010, 9:54am; Reply: 10

Quoted from cloroxmartini
I like Scarlett (Johansson) and Ewan (McGregor) doing their thing.


Good catch, haha! That was not intentional for the record.

Sorry some bits didn't work for you. Glad you know you made it to the end and kinda enjoyed it after all.

@James: Thanks, man. Coming from you, that's very flattering.

@Gary: Thanks for the read and your suggestions. Another one who felt the kiss wasn't right, hmmm. Now that I'm sure it has to go, someone will pop up to say it rocked. Wait for it.  :)

@mode11: Thanks for the read, glad you digged the line reversal.

Posted by: jackx, January 2nd, 2011, 10:03pm; Reply: 11
Very nice story, tight and fun.
Are Mirrorshades supposed to be something specific?  Or just mirrored sunglasses?  The way you have it capitalized and one word makes it sound like an artifact, not just a type of glasses.  Also I might mention that Ewan has a pair too, even though you say he's similar to her.  Just cuz they're important later.

How big is the replica?  By which I mean, how does Scarlet blow into it?  I was picturing like a foot or two tall, so blowing into it would require bending over, which seems like ewan would be stabbed already.  Maybe she kicks it, causing an earthquake?  Or its a couple feet tall?

You're already getting rid of the kiss, so I wont go into that.

Other than that, very fun little short.  Always nice to actually have believable characters in a fantasy setting.
Posted by: TheRichcraft, January 2nd, 2011, 11:48pm; Reply: 12
I had to read it a second time because I got confused.  However, I did like it for the most part.

I would have had Scarlett and Ewan wearing amulets so that the witch's coughing spell (pun intended) would not have worked on them.  But the replica of the attic being used in imitative magic would have affected them.

As for the kiss, I would have had Ewan try to steal one from Scarlett since he thinks she still had the hots for him.  Only she head butts him and says something like, "You still think you're hot shit, huh?"

Just a suggestion.  
Posted by: Mr.Z, January 3rd, 2011, 9:29am; Reply: 13
Thanks jackx and TheRichcraft for your read and suggestions. Much appreciated.

(The mirrorshades are just mirrored sunglasses.)

(And the kiss is gone in the latest draft, by the way.)

:)
Posted by: BRBellerophon, January 3rd, 2011, 10:48am; Reply: 14
God, I love your scripts. Impeccable writing as usual, Mr.Z. You do fantasy like no other.

I have to admit though, I didn't get the miniature shanty business right at the bat. I had to do a double take and read half of the page twice. Just me, I guess.

I love how your scripts hint at a world bigger than the actual script. Sort of like, "a day in the life of a witch hunter in Middle Earth" or something like that.

Ever think of writing a novel? Your descriptions are rich. You don't see much of those around here since as I recall one of the first things I learned about writing from observation is people tend to "show and not tell". But, your descriptions are able to do both.

Hope to read more from you.
Posted by: Mr.Z, January 4th, 2011, 12:06am; Reply: 15
Thanks for the read Robb, glad you enjoyed it.


Quoted from BRBellerophon
I have to admit though, I didn't get the miniature shanty business right at the bat. I had to do a double take and read half of the page twice. Just me, I guess.


It's not just you. I'm getting this quite a lot. Suggestions to make these scenes more clear are more than welcome. Thanks again.

Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), January 4th, 2011, 9:11am; Reply: 16
I consider this script to be more of a character exercise than anything else.  You have two strong characters, and some witty banter, but the story fell a little flat for me.  I got nothing out of it, though the idea of bounty hunters in a magical world intrigued me.  It reminded me of a movie where a detective searched for a killer (or something) in a magic-filled version of 1950's Hollywood.

While the use of powder was good, I got a little tired of it.  The two used powder.  They used more powder.  And more powder.  I was hoping for a little mixing up with something else.


Phil
Posted by: Mr.Z, January 5th, 2011, 10:02am; Reply: 17
Thanks for the read, Phil. Gotta admit I got a bit lazy and repeated the use of the powder rather than trying to come up with a new trick. Will do in the next draft.  8)
Posted by: jayrex, January 10th, 2011, 4:46pm; Reply: 18
I found this story hard to follow especially with this replica business going on.  It kinda reminded me of a doll house.  And that the witch was inside peering out and then it switches.  I didn't particularly enjoy this.  Although it probably is best to view it than to read for me.

Javier
Posted by: Mr.Z, January 10th, 2011, 5:57pm; Reply: 19
Thanks for the honesty, jayrex. Sorry it wasn't for you. I still appreciate the read.  :)
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