The Bargain by Shanna Sorrentino - Horror - A soul comes back to expose its status in the afterlife and its revelation leaves its friends disturbed. 98 pages - pdf, format 8)

Well, I started reading it but a bunch of screenplay rule breaking/syntax errors bogged down the process.  This script is in Final Draft format, which is no problem, but reading it I had to constantly fight the urge to edit it.  

I stopped after the first ten pages because these errors derailed me from getting involved in your story.  If your script were to be read by an industry pro, they'd have stopped reading after the first page and chucked it into the "no thanks" pile.

Descriptions -- keep them to four lines or less.

Dialogue -- nothing really wrong with it but your character tends to repeat himself.  Not just from page to page -- but in the same sets of dialogue.

It's "than," not "then."  I counted this mistake, among others, a whoooooooole bunch of times.

Not ragging on you.  Trying to help.  Tighten it up.  Break up the big chunks of description/action.  Watch for stretches of VOs when the character speaking is telling us exactly what we're seeing.  Fine tune the dialogue.    Proofread/spell check for spelling and grammatical errors.  Re-submit.

And I do mean re-submit.  The log line, while not a real grabber, intrigued me.  I wanted to read more.  All you need do now is make it easier to do so.  And I hope you do.

Good luck.  Keep writing.

Shanna--

I read your script all the way through, and I enjoyed it. Would you consider re-writing it as a short? Maybe 20-30 pages?

I understand and enjoy all the time you spent on developing characters and relationships, but I think the script's real strength is its message about Morgan's stubbornness leading to his downfall. This could be portrayed in less time, and I think it would increase the chances of getting it produced.

In fact, I would be interested in helping you get it produced, and I would like to hear your thoughts about producing it as a short.

You understand this is an 8 year old thread with ZERO responses from the writer?

I would try contacting the writer on Twitter, or Google or something.
There's not even a name or contact details on the title page.

It's fun digging out old scripts though, you never know what you'll find.