Gallant Bitch by JR Smithson - Short, Action, Revenge, Comedy of Menace - Two stories about one kidnapping. History, redemption and butterfly knives. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Ah, Asterisks. One of my favourites.

Gallant Boobs? Bilko. Benny, maybe. Bangs. Balls. Oh. It's Bitch. Thankfully not about a lassie or Rex style dog. Always preferred Skippy myself. What's that Skip? Fire down by the old lodge? Old Man Hodgson has lost his trousers too? Crikey, Streuth etc.

Back to the plot.

Your opening paragraph ain't good. Too much tell and not enough show.

No idea what these characters look like as there is no descriptions for them.

"Pulls out a photo of her father."

I'm sure she did, but you need to describe the guy in the photo. Trust me, it'd work better. Besides, you tell us later through dialogue that it's her father.

Some good dialogue and action lines. Although the less good ones drag the better stuff down.

Your story seems to just stop, as if it's a scene from something else. While I quite like unusual shorts with strange ends this feels as if it needs finishing.

The best advice I can give is read more scripts and keep writing.

R xo

Um, is this the whole story or what? It seems like a few pages chosen at random from a longer script and posted for no reason. I really don't know what you are going for here, as this is not a story. At best, it's part of a scene.

Also you might want to try some new software to sort out your font and formatting.

Cheers,
Tim.

I read the script because I liked the logline. The logline is good but I don't think it's close to what the script is about. I thought you promissed kidnapping...

It was closer to a sketch. Not that I don't like sketches but the dialog was a little hard to understand for me - what she meant by this and that, what she was leading to. I don't know, maybe it's the way drunks talk - bits of their speech are not linked too well - maybe that's what you were going for?

Read this'un twice. Still couldn't get it.

Do people really talk like this? Maybe it's me, but a whole page (and more) on 'Hat" or "Cap"............?

Anyhow, just keep on writing and the best of luck.

Martin.