Howdy Havi!
RIGHT JUSTIFIED
FADE IN:?!
Off with his... ! Whatever.
Don't do that (as I roll my eyes because it's superfluous anyway).
Santa's bringing me a X-Box, a
football top, games, a watch, anddd
sweetsTypho.
It's the truth. He is your dad.... and...
Why did you not tell me?Both sound a little stiff. Might be a regional language thing, though. No big whup.
The BELL chimes signaling the end of lunch.
INT. CAR - DAY - LATER
Tommy jumps into the family car.Might need a judge's ruling on this one, but I don't think you need the
LATER tacked on unless it's pretty common to end lunch and go get in your family car.
Pg2
TOMMY
Yes I did. Dad.Should be a question mark after "Dad" rather than a period.
INT. HOUSE - EVENING - LATERSame as previously.
If it's evening... then, of course it's...
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
SUPER: CHRISTMAS EVEIt's DAY. It's EVE. It's DAY. It's EVE. The world is full of stupid people. I dunno.
pyjamas??
Sp, maybe?
TEXT: Thank you Santa for my presents. Go easy on Rudolph,
he's my favourite.1 - I think these are supposed to be INSERTs.
http://www.scribd.com/doc/12721428/Professional-Screenplay-Formatting-Guide Pg 28/56
2 - For a first grader Tommy writes pretty darn good.
3 - "favourite"? Limey. ;)
Pg 7
TOMMY
And where does he live again?Pretty sure that's supposed to be Dad, EDDIE, asking where to steal the toys from.
Pg 8
BEDROOM - DAY
Liz awakens from the screams of delight Tommy shrieks from
downstairs.For continuity's sake, you should
SUPER: Christmas Morning.
Alternatively, delete the
SUPER: Christmas Eve from earlier.
Story kinda tells it anyway.
Six of one...
...except with extra mud stains his shoes have made
to the bed.Ed's quite the foul-up, eh?
JIMMY
To Jimmy from mum and dad.OMG.
Awfully precocious of Jim-bo, but... stuff happens.
TOMMY
Yeah. You're dad's Santa Claus,
and he gave you presents. My dad's
Robin Hood and he took them from
you.LOL!
Alright, that was cute, even if Ed's goin' to the big house. Dumb@ss.
I kinda like that you didn't sell out and Americanize your work.
Favourite and pyjamas are one thing.
Conkers and mum are another.
Cool.
Nice little story, I have no idea who the audience would be for this, maybe just something fun to do/shoot, easy enough.
My only real issue is
I might have saved myself the energy and time reading all this.
Sometimes, just sometimes, what goes around doesn't always come around. ;)
Ray