The Legend of Alrum by Gabriel Common - Drama - The Legend of Alrum is the story of a group of rebels called the Old Knights who invades the vast kingdom of Alrum trying to over through it’s graceful King Mana. A young member of the Old Knights named Alex, forms an unexpected friendship with the king’s daughter Kaiya which slowly evolves to a romance. As Alex tries to ignore his affections for Kaiya, he mistakenly learns of a dark plot against King Mana, by Kaiya’s arranged fiancé prince Martigan. Now to win the heart of the girl he loves Alex, must set aside his hatred for King Mana and break his allegiance to the Old Knights to save the Kingdom he swore to destroy. 82 pages - pdf, format 8)

What were you trying to say? This mistake is on thefirst page------------------------It's the story of a beautiful and how it was saved the an unexpect act of love."

This mistake is also on the first page. There should be a question mark.----CHRIS
Does it have Action."

More mistakes on the same page- "Alrum is was the biggest most
beautiful kingdom of all the land.
Ran by the Sith family for many
generations. They were a long line
of great kings, but one king didn't
leave up the Sith family name and
he's people rebeled and the crown
of Alrum was lead by the Wist
family for one generation before it
back in the hands of the Sith
family. This is that story."

I haven't even completed reading the first page and I have found many errors.

On the second page I noticed you use a passive tense which is incorrect when writing a script (or so I have read).

That's it for now.  

I suggest you -reread your script. I found mistakes similar to those made on page one throughout the beginning of the script (and I am sure the remainder of the script)

Quoted from jcolon2 I suggest you -reread your script. I found mistakes similar to those made on page one throughout the beginning of the script (and I am sure the remainder of the script)

Thanks, I have a bad habit of going through it to fast and messing a lot of mistakes, I'll take another shot at it.

Also, the logline needs to be completely trashed in my opinion. It reads like a run-on sentence. People have short attention spans. If your logline rambles on and is confusing then most likely your script will be the same way. Be concise.