The Man at the Bus Stop by Matthew Chisholm - Short - Two men wait for the bus. One of them is about to have a really bad day. - pdf, format 8)

I can only assume this to be a joke, so what's the point?

Shame that I wasted the time reading it 'cos you built up a decent image and displayed some talent. Once the guy gets struck by the lightning, I wanted the other man to benefit some way from the event (and not just by virtue that it wasn't him), so maybe he stole from him, ate him, whatever. That would've hinted at 'Cinderella Man' and the keeping up appearances with the apartment.

Instead, it seems I read a page for no reason and this discourages me from reading your work again.

Allen i agree with you, but you're easily discouraged.
I really liked how he built up the atmosphere, big fan of post apocalyptic themes i am. To bad there's not much else to say about it.  :(

Yep, not a whole lot going on here.

A nice, almost-too-verbose build-up to an event that is seemingly without consequences.

And that is the problem, Matt.  Why all of that build-up?

Why is a full half-page of your one-pager devoted to descriptions of the city?  There is nothing wrong with it, but it feels like wasted space.

Are these men representative of the city somehow?  That would justify it, but I do not see it.

I assume you wanted feedback, so I guess I can only recommend a more solid conclusion.

Me...I would have the old man laugh.  That might add something.

Thank you for the feedback guys. I figured if I'm going to waste people's time. I might as well waste as little of it as possible. Basically, whatever I write I'm going to get torn a new asshole so I may as well deserve it.

Basically this script exists for two reasons. The first and most important is to justify to myself my presence on this site. I don't think it's an actual rule that if you join the message boards, you have to write something. But I've been using this site in one way or another for a very long time (end of 2002 I think I stumbled upon it) and, especially after leaving for a while and then coming back, I felt like I needed to post something that was written, even if it was a stupid jerk off short, which this apparently is.

The second reason was to bring up the topic of the randomness of death. Why does the young guy get struck by lightning and not the other one? It seems like there should be some reason for it, but in an endlessly random and unpredictable universe, there doesn't seem to be any at all. I find that mind bogglingly interesting and insane. I wanted to propose the question: why do these random things happen at all? Since I'm not smart enough to ask it in an interesting and cinematic way, I did it like this. Like it or lump it.  :)

Anyway, your reads and harsh words a very much appreciated and I'm glad that a few of you liked my descriptions; that encourages me to write something that's actually worth reading. I'm hoping to have something more substantial (a lot more) in the near future.

Quoted from Matt Chisholm Basically this script exists for two reasons. The first and most important is to justify to myself my presence on this site. The second reason was to bring up the topic of the randomness of death.   :)

Okay. Now I really should post similar to my feedback for Gavin re The Coffee Shop but I won't cause at least you took the time to prove you can write by displaying some talent for description, and a little re character, AND I empathise with your need to justify your 'presence'. But you didn't provide much more than he did really...

I've felt exactly the same way as you do re posting (a script), or the lack of it. Happy it isn't a 'rule of SS'. Don should be commended for that.

Having said this, as long as your feedback is constructive and positive and you give an indication you 'know what you're on about' re screenwriting I don't think you should feel compelled to post anything until you meet your own expectations. Try as I do I ain't (so far) a 'short' writer.

The thing is people know 'who' you are, when you 'join in proper'. I get that.

All you needed to do here was give us a little dialogue between your two characters - to (a) give us a reason to care about the characters, in particular the one who cops it, and (b) create some conflict. The outcome re irony, 'randomness of death',  purpose and meaning of life would have/could have been powerful.

Matt, I encourage you to go back and do that, and re-post :)

It's an interesting start which gives me the thought that there would be a weather warning with all these lightening strikes.

To answer your second question with the randomness, maybe the young man was wearing a tongue stud and that's what attracted the lightening to him?

Hey Matthew.

While I think you really do have some writing 'chops' this piece does not read as a screenplay to me, more novelistic in its present form.

I get the 'random' thing but would prefer some kind of dialog to help develop the characters.

I've tried recently myself to cram stories into a page and a half and ultimately failed. It ain't easy!

Still, as i said, you've got skills. Keep on writing.

Martin..

Howdy Matt,

LOL!
With a one page short I'm pretty sure you can skip the line consuming formalities of FADE IN and THE END.

I've read all of the one page screenplays at movieline and thought it a pretty neat idea.
http://www.movieline.com/admin/mt-srch.cgi?blog_id=1&tag=one-page%20screenplay&limit=20
Bravo for doing one yourself.

Okay whatchugot here...

Keep the bold slugs (some will grieve) but without a doubt, ditch the underlines.

A once great hub of human civilization now in ruin. is redundant to the previous two lines.
Consolidate down to
A derelict monstrosity of a city on the brink of social apocalypse.
Covers all the bases.
It's broken down. It's big. It's a city. People are upset.

young and mid-thirties is either redundant or contradictory or redundant.
Same with older, mid to late-sixties.
Just give us someone to visualize or cast.

almost frightening... Um, how do we almost do that? With contacts or CGI?

strikes the man on the left with a... Causes (short-term memory deficient) readers to quick-reference back up to who was on the left, young guy or old guy? Breaks the flow.
Just use physical/notable description.


Okey doke.
Is what it is.

Since you have the space, I'd've tossed in there at the end that the cats went back to gorging on the dog carcass. A scene which probably ought to have switched to a new street level slug line.
Or just move your EXT. BUS STOP (need's - DAY, BTW) up one line.
The two guys could have been standing at the bus stop both silently watching the cats gorge on the dog when the lightning struck.

why do these random things happen at all?
Sh!t happens.
Too bad. So sad. Life goes on without anyone.
Earth's been here for 4.5 billion years.
Got about another 3.5 billion to go before the sun goes red giant on us and burns off the oceans.
' 10,000 years no one will givashit.
Don't hold your breath for the next K-T.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K-T_extinction
LOL. P-Tr was a b!tch!

Seems there's contests for these one-pagers.
http://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en&tab=iw#hl=en&expIds=17259,17291,27615&sugexp=ldymls&xhr=t&q=one+page+screenplay+contest&cp=20&pf=p&sclient=psy&site=webhp&aq=0&aqi=&aql=&oq=one+page+screenplay+&gs_rfai=&pbx=1&fp=a20cfd04ba3c5cf9

-- think WTF...

Hey Matt,

Especially after your description, I can see what you were going for here.  My suggestion would be to get rid of the excessive city description and try to get a little meat on the bones of the last scene.  There's multiple ways you can do that.  You can have the guy that's hit by lightning be mugging the other guy.  Or maybe have them comment on the randomness of the killings. Or maybe have them be suspicious of one another.  Just something to give it a bit more depth.   Anyway, I'm never really that fond of one pagers.  Good luck with it.

Hi Matt,

I don't think you should feel the need to post something just because you hang around the site.  Truth be told, most of us post things that suck anyway, so what the duck.  Anyway, for what it's worth, as someone else mentioned, I think it's clear you know your way around a keyboard and the writing was fine, it's just sparse on story.

Not much else to add.  I saw what you said about the randomness of death, and my initial recation was to think that this post apocalyptic (sp?) settting works against you in that regard.  By that I mean that what's really random is coming home from work on a Monday evening and while you dig in your pocket for your house keys you slip on a patch of black ice and crack your noggin open and bleed out.

That said, I dug the post - ap vibe, so I'm a bit torn.

I'm blathering.  

Craig

I am not sure how are you going to shoot this :


"
The dome shaped sky swirls with tumultuous black clouds."
or
"Forks of lightning streak across the sky with a rumble of
thunder."
"Grey curtains of rain sweep across the roofs of buildings and
down into the criss-crossing streets. "

All of it looks nice when you read it but it is  not helpful as a screenplay .. you could just say
"a dark rainy day and get to the action" and thats it ...
Remember it is all about action and not the cheesy descriptions

The ending is ironic  i agree
" as we"

But when u will shoot  this, " as we" has to been shown .. for which you will have to devise another scene ..

Matt,
One pagers are tough. Very limited time to get what's inside you out.

One thing I would add to the others here is one of them need to say something. I think it could be as simple as "hell of a day, huh"?

Something to give the action a break up.

The writing is very discriptive and clean IMO.

Hope this helps.

Shawn.....><

Hi Matt,

just read your short and your explanation to it. I wouldn't understand the point without the explanation. I understand what you're depicting here and it's a good thought, I think. Thinking it could be stronger maybe if you made us see the point of the "randomness of death". Because right now it's just "death is random" but is it as strong a theme... - not for me. "Do you agree with the randomness of death", "is death really random", "is there a proof to the randomness of death" - these are better themes I think.

In other words I would like more of a story. Doesn't mean it won't work as is, might for many.

In the end you characterized them as "the man on the left" and "the man on the right" - I got confused a bit. You also gave him distinct physical characteristics - I thought it was leading up to something.

Hey Matt,

Well, you certainly painted a picture in one page. I think your explanation for this script interested me more than the script itself.The randomness of death is definitely something to think about. And while you're guilty of overwriting (mostly just your first paragraph describing the city), I think you have a solid voice as a writer. I'd like to see more from you.

One thing I want to say about the script is that I thought it was funny how the entire city is basically in ruins, but the bus system still seems to be working. Keep writing.

Chris

Thank you everyone for your gentle, understated hatred. The fact that you took the time to sugar coat your negative reviews is very much appreciated.

The biggest question (aside from why I would bother with a script like this) seems to be why I spent so much time describing the city when it goes nowhere. The answer is simple. To show off. I had a description in my head and wanted to put it in because I thought it sounded good. I'm not proud of it, but I'm only human. And this is basically the only thing I have a knack for, so I thought what the hell.

Hopefully in the near future I'll have a script with good descriptions that's actually worth reading. Your suggestions are much appreciated and will be taken into account, even though I really doubt I'll be doing an updated version of this particular script.

Thank you all, again!

After reading your one pager last night and was inspired to write one myself. I don't normally do shorts or super shorts, so thanks.

What's funny is the only other one pager I have ever done was right after I started here. Everybody and I mean EVERYBODY said WTF????

After I explained it to them, some got it, others still was looking at me like my head was on fire.

Thanks Matt and have a great night.

Shawn.....><

Quoted from Matt Chisholm Thank you everyone for your gentle, understated hatred.

Hang on. You jest right? Plenty of encouragement from what I can see.

Quoted from Matt Chisholm The biggest question (aside from why I would bother with a script like this) seems to be why I spent so much time describing the city when it goes nowhere. The answer is simple. To show off.

I for one really enjoy reading description when it's done well. As did a few of us with refined sensibilities.  ;D You do/did it bloody well. Perhaps I neglected to say so in my first post... sorry. White space - yes, where possible, but at the beg. of a script it sets the tone, mood, puts a clear visual image in the reader's head. Pro's do it all time. Mr Z, Ren, and a few others are praised for it. You shoulda been too imo.

Quoted from Matt Chisholm And this is basically the only thing I have a knack for, so I thought what the hell.

You do, so keep doing it. I disagree with the maj. re this.

Quoted from Matt Chisholm Hopefully in the near future I'll have a script with good descriptions  I really doubt I'll be doing an updated version of this particular script.

You have, so you should - redo and re-post, I mean. A few, like McC offered suggestions. Gwon', Gwon' do it!

Hi Matthew,

I think your extremely visual description is about as good as it gets for what can be written in one page.  I read it over 3 times to fully absorb it.  Excellent writing.

For some reason, I chuckled a little when the guy got hit with lightening. In a good way. It was just so unexpected. Maybe I have a demented sense of humor.

But I can relate to the message you're trying to send.  Great.

LedBetter, you're very welcome. I am pretty great at whatever it is you said I did. ;)

LC, indeed I do jest. I am aware and appreciative of the helpful feedback I've gotten on this. I'm surprised everyone didn't just dismiss it as a big jerk off. I'm very grateful.

Gavin, thanks for the kind words. I've always loved writers who go into tremendous, wordy detail with their descriptions. I know a lot of people don't like it when they're that long but I've always thought it helped set a mood. I was trying to emulate that.

Thanks again, everyone!