Pick Me Up by Jayden - Short, Horror - A young man makes his way down a highway - bloodied, beaten and broken. He experiences a series of violent flash backs as to how he has reached his present condition, becoming increasingly frustrated at the lack of interest from passing cars.  15 pages - pdf, format 8)

I liked this a lot. It kept me interested.

People probably won't like the writing, as in the directions, but I have no problem with that sort of thing. I enjoyed the way you wrote it.

Congrads on completing the script!

Jayden,

Congrats on completing a shirt script.
I gave this one a chance based upon an intriguing log line.
I don't know if you're on the boards, so I'll keep it short.
This reads like a short story sprinkled with dialogue and boatloads of asides.
Screenplays should suggest imagery, not sledgehammer the reader with prose.
I had this fundamental problem when I started out.
How did I break it? By reading lots of much better amateur scripts here on SS.
I strongly suggest you do the same and after that, rewrite your script.
At times, your prose feels contemptuous of its own audience...
Oh wow we have a twist ending, did anyone see that coming?

Good luck and thanks for posting.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

hey guys thanks for the read :)

this is actually the first time ive written a script with so much prose in it.

i understand that at times the writing style seems a little out of line, however it was in an attempt to attract potential actors, as it was to be filmed for a school project. although it was unusual, it actually worked to my advantage.

however for the pleasure of critics i guess id have to agree, a rewrite may be in order.

this aside, id be interested in hearing opinions on the dialogue, story and techniques (ie, flashbacks, twist ending) did people like it?

thanks again for the reviews, more feedback appreciated :)