Sleep Walking by Peter Breeze - Short, Drama - A young married couple deals with an unusual sleep disorder. 24 pages - pdf, format 8)

Peter, camera angles are not a problem for me if and when the scriptwriter knows what he's doing. Sorry if I sound harsh, but you've a way to go before you can get away with this. Read more scripts on SS and download Pro scripts from the net.

Your script is full of long slabs of exposition and clunky unbelievable dialogue and a hell of a lot of 'telling' instead of actually 'showing' what's going on.

Example: Your first action paragraph - 'TIMOTHY WILSON dreads sleep. Is tormented by crazy dreams and sleep walking.' This is a no-no, sorry. In the interests of you learning you've got to actually:

SHOW this in a scene. Don't TELL us. This is what screenwriting is. Your audience have to SEE what's going on. We can't read your character's mind. There's no caption bubble above his head and you can't rely on Voice Over either, 'couple of weeks ago Marsha found me...' Um, no. Sorry. Be minimal with this, if at all.

'Timothy finds himself walking down a street...' 'he feels...' See, all we'll see, is exactly that what we see (on screen) Timothy walking down a street, so cut out the 'finds himself' and the 'he feels'. Also, 'Marsha is a very heavy sleeper' etc.  How do we know this? Show us.  Get me?

Your slugs are out of whack too unfort.

What you need there is a scene change BEDROOM as you've got a bit further on... but, cut the preamble.

Also, big long paras of clunky dialogue especially in the scene with the Doc are not working. And, not really credible or what a Doctor would say.

'I'm sure the Doc woudn't mind me giving you his address' - um, I don't think so, sorry.

And way too much time is spent on redundant dialogue between Marsha and Timothy agonising over and planning their next moves.

And now I'm right at the end  and WTF, which ironically is what a 'twist' should do but unfortunately your script writing is letting you down. Don't have Marsha tell us - just show us Timothy...

... in his altered state (I used a euphemism here) cause didn't want to spoil it.

The good news is you've got quite a good story here but your writing is letting you down. Happy to let you know more if you're about.

I don't mean to sound condescening or harsh here, but read, work on it again and repost.

You've got something here Peter and it could be really good. :)

LC... Thank you for your timely review. As you can no doubt tell I am at the very intial stages of screnewriting. I have taken your advice and rewrote the story using many of your suggestions. I've elminated the camera shots and lots of the dialogue.
I am open to any and all suggestions, comments or critisisms....Peter

Hi Peter. Good to 'see' you!

Just a little btw. It's a Quid Pro Quo system on SS. Read some 'Shorts' (and/or Features) and comment on them. Even if you don't feel you're experienced enough yet to comment (you actually are, cause all of us are the audience) provide some feedback re the story, give suggestions etc.

This way you'll get more reviews and suggestions re yours.

Glad to see you responded in the spirit it was intended.

I really look forward to reading the next draft of Sleep Walking :)

P.S. I see you are adding your comments... feel free to give it a bit more. Ok, that's it from me at the mo'.

I'm going to have to agree with LC. Your shot directions are unnecessary for now and your dialog is a bit lengthy. Cut down on the dialog A LOT! Also, I had a big problem with the story. What's the plot? What's the main focus here? I know the man is having these strange dreams and he sleep walks through them. That's a neat concept, but what does this lead to? I would make it to where the character is loosing his grip on reality. This at least gives it some plot. The man could be fighting for his grip on reality.
Anyway, just give the film a story. To me, I just don't see one. Give the character a goal of some sort. :D

Peter,

I read your script. I was intrigued by the premise, but I did not see the plausibility of this being made. This is why:

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

In the end, you mention Timothy is paralyzed. How does he move to join his wife if his method of getting about is by wheelchair?

**SPOILERS END**

The script felt a bit artificial to me. Dialog was too long. Most of the things I want to say have already been covered by LC.

I really liked the premise, though. You were playing with an interesting idea, and I'm pretty sure with a bit more work, MORE action and LESS dialog, you could really have something here.

Good luck and keep on writing,
RCE

RobbCogaEton...Thanx for the read. The premise of the story can be plausible in a sci-fi context in that it's a story about a person who is paralyzed and wheelchair bound but can only walk when he is sleeping, hence "Sleep Walking." His wife being a heavy sleeper is never awake to catch him leaving the house.When she wakes him at the finish line at the end of the story she has to cart him back to the waiting handicap van to take him back home.
There is a bit of sci-fi going on as well.
BTW- I revised it, if you'd like to take a second look.
Thank you for your helpful comments.
Peter

This is my attempt at a rewrite of the original that I submitted months ago. You made some very helpful suggestions at that time and I tried to impliment them best I could.

My question to you all right now is... Am I beating a "dead horse" or do I continue to squeeze any more out of this story line?

Thanx Guys,

Peter Breeze