Trooper Jones by Joshua David Bruner - Short, Crime, Drama, Thriller - Jones, an honest State Trooper, accidentally enters the sights of an unknown hitman while giving him a routine speeding ticket. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi, Joshua. Your spelling is atrocious.

You have some macho stuff going here, that's for sure.

Couple of logic holes I'm wondering about.

Why, when Speeder knows he has folks in the trunk, would he put his gun down and not try to shoot it out with the cop?

Why does a 1979 Camaro have to be turned on so the trunk can open?

How do tail light wires shock Trooper Jones, and by a girl who has glass lodged in her face?

Yeah, this one has got...problems.  You need to break up those big chunks of description.  Get rid of all the camera directions.  Only put the names in CAPS when you first intro the character., don't continue to do it throughout the script.  DISPATCH should have a (V.O.) after it.  You call Speeder "Speeder Jones" on page 6.

It seems this story could have been told in four pages, easy.  But no real twist is revealed.  There's bodies in the trunk, but so what?  Where did they come from and what is Speeder's connection to them?

You might have the seeds of a good short script here, but it needs a lot of polishing and tightening.  Good luck with it.