I Cream For Ice Cream by William Nicholas Clay & Ryan Easterbrooks - Short, Comedy - A stoner awakens totally alone in his own home starving to death. How desperate is this guy?  5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Man, that's a misleading title.  I thought it was going to be something totally different.

As far as the story, not much to comment on.  Stoner needs cash for ice cream.  That's your setup, but where's the payoff?  You have to give us something more than realizing the Ice cream guy just sold his last sundae.

Quite a few typos, including this:  "Mitch lights a bowel."

Now that sounds painful.

Quoted from Ryan1 Quite a few typos, including this:  "Mitch lights a bowel."

I don't usually lol and post in the thread of a script I haven't read but....

LOL!

Why do we bitch about spelling?

"Mitch lights a BOWEL."

Ouch!

Otherwise, I guess I understand Mitch saying FK all the time, but he could have not said a word in this and the point would be made, probably better. The ending is flat. The Ice Cream guy doesn't have anything else?

Quoted from Ryan1 Quite a few typos, including this:  "Mitch lights a bowel." Now that sounds painful.

When lighting a fart isn't enough...


Phil

I just read this.  

Do you know how many screenplays start with

An ALARM CLOCK begins to ring throughout the room.

Lots.  Too many.  You need to differentiate your screenplay from others.  You also need to start at the point where nothing needs to happen before it.   Such as

INT. MITCH’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY

Mitch lights a BOWEL. He INHAILS the weed, keeping it
in...one, two, three, four, five...EXHAILS.

I don't think we need to know anything before that.  Only get the spelling right, it's bowl and exhales.  I don't even think you could exhail if you wanted to.

The ending really isn't much.  I think you have more of a story there.  Does he try to get the sundae from the little girl.  That could be very funny.   Where it ends just leaves me very blah.

Hope that helps.

Gotta dissect this. two people wrote this?  The funniest part was the "bowel" typo.  The dialogue is no good.  Who talks to themself like that?  And why would a neighbor shoot him? why would he say the unnatural line ""Get out of my yard you fucking teenager?" How could a house be completely empty of food?  especially in this situation where it's still the parents' home? Anticlimatic ending too.

Ya know what could have been funny?  if he tried to trade the ice cream guy a bag of weed for ice cream.

I wish it was funny. Wanting ice-cream is a funny premise and wanting ice-cream this bad is a funny drive but the script didn't make me laugh.

He looks all over the place for money. The twist is when we learn that the money was for the ice-cream. Somehow didn't work for me.

It could be slapstick funny though. Maybe if he pushed that girl off the ice-cream truck window and she fell, then got up and ran away...

But I'm not against the premise. I think the premise could work perhaps.

Meh, it's just something we thought of. I didn't check for spelling, so thank you for pointing out that it was mis-spelled. It's a first draft. The title is a joke, we don't know what to name it yet.

I appreciate the comments. I really do, even if some of them are to make fun, because it'll only better my writing in the end.

I do need more to it, I know. We're trying to think of what to add. I agree that there really isn't a pay-off in the end. I also thought about ending it with Mitch chasing the little girl.

Anyways, thank you all for the read. I'm going to continue working on it and others.

Quoted from William N. Clay Meh, it's just something we thought of. I didn't check for spelling, so thank you for pointing out that it was mis-spelled. It's a first draft. The title is a joke, we don't know what to name it yet.

Please don't post scripts without spell-checking first.  Honestly, if you want us to spend our time looking over your work then the very least you can do is spell-check.

Quoted from mcornetto Please don't post scripts without spell-checking first.  Honestly, if you want us to spend our time looking over your work then the very least you can do is spell-check.

I will from now on, thank you.

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Problem 1
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Out of the gate we have

(An Alarm Clark begins to ring)

& then, on the second line

(Mitch begins to stir)

You can't do any better than that can you?

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Problem 2
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(The house is completely empty)

Like, empty empty?  Like nothing in there at all?  Or just mommy's gone?  

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Problem 3
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BOWEL -- nuff said

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Problem 4
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Your dialogue is atrociously bad.  It's horrible.  Garbage even.

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Problem 5
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Your writing is redundant.  He looked in the kitchen once and came up with nothing... He then goes back, smokes some more weed and returns to the SAME kitchen, tears it apart, only to find nothing again.  

Then, he goes up stairs and tears apart his bedroom.  Tear, Tear, Tear, Stir, Stir, Stir, Begins, Begins, Begins...

Pretty underwhelming.

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Problem 6
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I didn't finish it because............................................

This, especially with the numerous typos, is juvenille.

with a title like this, how could i not read your screenplay? unfortunately for you, everyone's comments are dead on. i just wanted to add that you should capitalize on the fact that this guy is stoned out of his gourd. he acts like a normal guy who's super hungry, even though he just took a few hits. being high adds very little to the story. now most movies, tv shows, etc. portray being high as being drunk...and this is incredibly inaccurate. i'm not sure if there's a story worth salvaging here, but if you do rewrite it, take in consideration that this fuck's super high

Shoot.  I wasn't paying attention.  I read this whole thing thinking it was an OWC entry.  I was about to say that chasing after an ice cream truck does not constitute an action scene.

And, just for the record, the ice cream drivers round here in Youngstown would have gladly traded one of those Spiderman-shaped treats with the gumball eyes for a little bit of weed.