Departure by Joshua Braddock - Short, Drama - A man under the influence at a train terminal tries to put together the events of his night. He has alternate visions that seem to conflict. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Joshua,

You’ve got five pages here, but with the way you’ve written things, it feels like fifteen. I’m guessing this is a shooting script, which is fine, but it still needs some work.

First, you need to fix your slugs.

INT.TRAINTERMINAL.4AM

Should be:

INT. TRAIN TERMINAL – NIGHT

Four o’clock in the morning is too specific and can’t be filmed. If you really want readers to know it’s 4 in the morning, put a clock in the terminal.

Here’s your first paragraph and following slug:

A 24 year old man walks down the stairs slowly yet
recklessly. He is clearly under the influence of hard drugs
and alcohol (A bit like a less exaggerated version of Leo
Dicaprio from "The Basketball Diaries". He notices a row of
seats. Hard zoom on seats with screeching sound. They are
too far for him, he barely can move so he sits against the
wall. He starts to have trouble breathing. After breathing
very hard and coughing his eyes roll back quickly and we cut
to a flashback of earlier in the night.

INT.APT.NIGHT

That’s one big block, and more than half of it can go. Here’s an example of how you can trim it up:

A drunken MAN (24) staggers down the stairs. He notices a row
of seats. There’s a SCREECHING SOUND.

The man breathes heavily and squints his eyes. He turns away from
the seats and falls back against the wall. He slides down and closes
his eyes.

INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

My example isn’t perfect, but notice a few things I did here.

1) I capitalized MAN, as this is the first time he is introduced.
2) I took out unnecessary descriptions like the one where you mention The Basketball Diaries.
3) I labeled the next slug as a flashback using parenthesis.
4) I took out the camera angle.
5) I spaced out the actions. Too many words in one paragraph create a sort of blocky appearance and can be really intimidating to your readers. My advice is to stick to 3 sentences per paragraph, and never exceed 5. You want as much white on your page as possible.

Also work on your dialogue. You wrote:

          FRIEND
     Hey man you’ve had enough of that
     shit. C’mon.

          MAN
     Yeah. (beat) Gimme a sec.

You need to use punctuation and fix your beat (and honestly, the beat in this case isn’t necessary).

          FRIEND
     Hey man, you’ve had enough of that
     shit. C’mon.

          MAN
     Yeah. Gimme a sec.

If you decide to use the beat anyway, here’s how you need to do it:

          MAN
     Yeah.
            (beat)
     Gimme a sec.

Overall, you’ve got an okay story about hallucinatory drugs, but this could definitely use a revision or two. Keep writing!

Chris

Thanks man. I really appreciate all the awesome suggestions.

I'm agreeing with Sham.  This script is overwritten and over-detailed.  If you tighten this up properly, this script would be about two and a half pages long.

When writing description, only include things that can be seen and heard, or describe things that can be recorded by the camera.  Don't tell us what the character thinks.  Don't compare his actions to someone else's from another movie; your comparisons to The Basketball Diaries and Requiem for a Dream.  You might as well say, 'he staggers the way my Uncle Mort staggers after six gin and tonics.'  It means nothing.

You wrote:

Quoted Text A 24 year old man walks down the stairs slowly yet recklessly. He is clearly under the influence of hard drugs and alcohol (A bit like a less exaggerated version of Leo Dicaprio from "The Basketball Diaries". He notices a row of seats. Hard zoom on seats with screeching sound. They are too far for him, he barely can move so he sits against the wall. He starts to have trouble breathing. After breathing very hard and coughing his eyes roll back quickly and we cut to a flashback of earlier in the night.

can be written as:

Quoted Text BOBBY (24) staggers down the stairs of an empty train station.  His steps are unfocused, like his eyes as he looks around. He sees a rows of seats in the distance and forces himself toward them.  He stops and shakes his head.  He closes his eyes.

Naming your characters gives us a slight attachment to them, even if the name is not mentioned in the dialog.  Referring to him as 'man,' keeps him at a distance from us.

The phone call to the girlfriend confused me.  How did she know that he (supposedly) cheated on her?  Why doesn't she think that he had an accident?  Or was arrested?

The story, itself, is a good one.  I enjoyed that.  It just needs better formatting.

Read some scripts, here, and see how others format their scripts.  It'll help a lot.


Phil

Yeah a lot of these notes and movie references are really kind of reminders to myself, as I will be shooting it. I do however, want to get a better understanding of screenwriting so thanks for the advice.

This script was good.  Your paragraph's were blocky though.  Like the others above me have already said, break up the blocks and trim the fat.  I think this "Man" could do some crazier stuff in the script too, since it is a trippy one.  Also, you put a Radio Head song in at the end.  I wouldn't put that in there unless it is absolutely essential to the story or you will be the one directing it.  I do understand if it is essential to have in the script though.  Overall this was good, but could use some revisions.  Keep up the good work!

I'm claiming copyright infringement here...  This script is a snapshot of many nights of my life..!  jk.

Not a bad script, I agree with the other posters here on the 'blockiness' of the paragraphs and over detailed aspects, but aside from that, not a bad story.  

Fine script, but fix the structure. The read was unnecesserily prolonged, which will deter people from reading your work.

Joshua, sorry, but no way in the world I'm getting past the first passage here.  Literally shocking how many mistakes you've got going on.

I mean, seriously...there are like 20+ mistakes in that opening passage and Slug alone!  Unreal...

Love this line - "(A bit like a less exaggerated version of Leo Dicaprio from "The Basketball Diaries" - Way too funny.

Sorry, but it just shocks me when I read reviews saying they like this, or that it's well written.  I don't know what's wrong with the world, but I'm convinced it's not me.

Do some research into how scripts should look.  Read scripts in here.  Get this thing cleaned up ASAP.

I understand how important format is in script writing, but I have to say, I posted a script on here that was torn apart by the forum, only to have it read by a producer/director here in Los Angeles who LOVED it, bought it, and is now making it...  

It's hard to say what is right or wrong in script writing so long as the basics are covered.  

Hey, man, that's great news!  Congrats.

Can you give us some details?  Is/was the script posted here?  Budget?  Etc.?

We always love to hear success stories.

Thanks.

Thanks man, I appreciate it.  The script is posted here, in Shorts.  I can't delve into details, but I can say it's a pretty big production, for a short anyway...  how's that for a hint.  

It should be completed sometime in October, and when its all said and done, I'll post the finished product here on SS.

Can you at least let us know which script it is?

I thought about just after I clicked 'post reply!'  Duh.  It's called The Verdict.  The draft on here was the very first script I attempted.  The shooting draft has gone through some minor tightening up, but otherwise is stays the same.  

***i posted this before last two posts were made. shit, you guys are quick***

I can see where this is leading so I'm going to interject with hopes of getting this thread back on track.

there is A LOT of great advice written on this piece. please be open and listen to what other posters have to say. you made some basic mistakes and you'll need to fix them when you rewrite the script. im tempted to repeat what's already been said (especially when it comes to the length of descriptors), but I'll spare you pointless critiques.

as for the story. you really dont have much new here. it's all pretty common and somewhat cliched. in fact, it reminded me of something you would see in film school (the radiohead shout out at the end didnt help). every film student has made this film because theyre so heavily influenced by films such as fear and loathing, requiem for a dream, etc. Not saying it's a bad thing. just that you need to bring something new to the table.

name your characters. doesnt matter how small their roles are.

speaking of which, your main character isnt very developed. we know very little about him nor do we care about him. he's just a guy doing drugs. so what?

the cheater/chester things was clever. enjoyed that bit. you might have something going on here. just rewrite it, correct your formatting, and add your own unique spin to it. it'll help you stick out in your intro to film 101 class.

In regards to the discussion above, they both are right. Furthermore they represent two points of thinking which are on opposite sides of the screenwriting spectrum. Some feel that you can write however you'd like as long as you accurately portray your ideas. Other feel that you should stick to the rules of screenwriting. Personally, I think you should perfect the rules of screenwriting and then break them once you are an expert. In relation to your script, you haven't portrayed your script accurately. In fact you doubt your own vision when you write things like "an homage?" if you dont know, how is your audience supposed to know.

btw i have no idea what "AHhswhk" means but i think im going to start incorporating it into every day dialogue.

My apologies to Josh, didn't mean to hijack your thread here dude.