First of all, there should be a few things that are positive about this read. First and foremost, it takes a lot of courage to write anything at all and post it in peer sites like this for all to see. It's a bold move. Some folks don't even get that far.
Second, it's only five pages (which could go to eight or nine pages in reality) so it is showing some of your readers mercy. It also makes it easier to comment on because there isn't a lot of pages to sift through.
In other words, better five to ten pages of what is here than 100 pages. Folks such as myself can help you early.I only took a look at the script because nobody commented on it yet. There is a reason for that. The logline isn't that grabbing and the proper spec sp format is a mess. I fear some may have read that first page, screaming at four walls.
I said the script could be in reality up to eight pages. There is a reason for that. Let's look at the first page.
Quoted Text EXT. IN FRONT OF JOAQUIN’S HOUSE – DAY
JOAQUIN, 95 years old, and WHITNEY, 90 years old, are sitting
on the chair at the veranda of their house. Joaquin is reading
the newspaper he is holding open in his two hands. Whitney is
embroidering a loin cloth using a nail and a roll of thread.
Shortly after, we hear his neighbors quarrelling: the quarrel
is between NAOMI, 25 years old, and WILLIAM, 25 years old. We
are not yet seeing them, but we feel they are seriously
quarrelling. Then Joaquin looks at William and Naomi’s house. |
First, we need to break up the text block (and others that follow) Find your sentences, Space them out like so:
EXT. IN FRONT OF JOAQUIN’S HOUSE – DAY
JOAQUIN, 95 years old, and WHITNEY, 90 years old, are sitting
on the chair at the veranda of their house.
Joaquin is reading the newspaper he is holding open in his two hands.
Whitney is embroidering a loin cloth using a nail and a roll of thread.
Shortly after, we hear his neighbors quarrelling: the quarrel
is between NAOMI, 25 years old, and WILLIAM, 25 years old.
We are not yet seeing them, but we feel they are seriously
quarrelling. Then Joaquin looks at William and Naomi’s house.It doesn't have to be exactly like that, but for this purpose it is close enough. Next, we want to correct our grammar. Let's get a bit into present tense, correct the spelling error we see. Now we have something like"
EXT. IN FRONT OF JOAQUIN’S HOUSE – DAY
JOAQUIN, and WHITNEY, (both 90's ), seated
in lawn chairs at the veranda of their house.
Joaquin reads the newspaper .
Whitney embroiders a loin cloth using a nail and a roll of thread.
Shortly after, his neighbors NAOMI, and WILLIAM, (both 25) quarrel across the street.
Joaquin looks at William and Naomi’s house.Now you're probably asking why I think you should get rid of Joaquin hold(ing) the paper in his hands, shortened up the descriptions of ages, and why 'we see, we hear'. In short, it isn't needed. It's extra words with no purpose. Consider this:
Quoted Text We are not yet seeing them, but we feel they are seriously
quarrelling. |
Then how do we know the pair's exact age if we can't see them? And, being a visual medium, how do we "feel", exactly? If you have to, put them OS (off screen), but don't tell us what we can and cannot see. Show us.
How does a person read a newspaper? You didn't show me a table. So it's a given he's using his hands to read it. So you don't need it. The ages are close enough where you could say both (in thier) 90s or both 25, instead of having them with he same "individual" ages.
Last, since quarreling was spelled wrong, we keep it active anyway (quarrel/quarrels) and since it's repeated a few times, ask if other words can be used, or, in this case, none at all. (I personally think "quarrel" is the wrong word to use, but that's just me) Why? It isn't needed.
The alignment of dialog is off. You want to keep it as even align with all other dialog.
While there are no uses of "camera" there is a lot of WE SEE. There appears too be a transition from an EXT to an INT with the WE SEE and the next EXT scene is the old folks doing the same routine nearly word for word. The third time we see them out there it's coffee.
The English is broken, stilted. It shows. I have a suggestion: maybe you can keep the young couple as from another country, recently moved to the US. I'd buy that. Not so sure about consulting with the fortune teller whose word is taken at face value, but if it was another culture, maybe it could work.
Still, it was a chore to read through this. And then the old folks are nothing more than non-active observers.
But this is a good thing that folks like me help you out early. Like I said, better to have a few pages to improve on than a 120 page monster.
-DjS