See Saw by Luke Prince (lukeprince09) - Short, Comedy - An upcoming actor arrives at an audition only to gradually realise something sinister is afoot. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Luke at draft 3 I think things like putting the name, followed by your name parlayed with copyright at the top of each page should be gone... Just saying.

I see several instances where you're trying to convey too much of the picture, forcing information down my throat.  For instance "He appears to have ran to the room" -- Not needed.  Several of these instances pepper your script too.

Dialogue wasn't bad, it worked most of the time.  But your story could use a massive 4 tire check.  I also hate the formating there at the end... Come on, read some scripts.  That is a you should know better rule.

g'luck

Hi Luke,

This one had a few good moments, but I didn’t really care for it overall. I think with a little bit of polishing, it could be something much better.

Fix your opening descriptions.

A cold looking waiting room - with chairs all round the
walls. A bright, out-of-place coffee table - covered in
papers - is the only thing lighting up the boring room.

There are two doors at either end of the room. One the
entrance leading to a quiet street, and the other door
leading further into the building.

That’s too much information. It’s a waiting room with two doors. That’s all you really need to know. Even the coffee table covered in papers is pretty expendable.

Trimming passages like this will take at least a page off of your script, which is good, because your script could use it. I see this script, as it is now, being no longer than five pages. See if you can get it down to that.

I liked the concept: two struggling actors listening to another actor’s audition for a horror movie…but wait, is he really faking those screams? It reminded me of something Tales from the Crypt might have done, or even that old Mary Steenburgen thriller, Dead of Winter. You could probably even expand on this idea if you tried hard enough. It has the potential of being a very funny, maybe even thrilling dark comedy.

Thanks for sharing!

Chris

This reads like a writing exercise. I'm not sure what I was supposed to find entertaining in this. There wasn't any tension or conflict. Your protagonist doesn't seem to want anything. It's two people waiting to audition, in a boring room.

There isn't really a twist or any irony. So I guess I take from the end that these people really were being killed... exactly what your protagonist thought the whole time, which is what I thought the whole time, making the ending and final joke come off flat.

I think there are some spelling errors too, you may want to double check.

This wasn't for me, sorry.

I really didn't get it, the ending is predictable and, yes, flat, since the whole way through you were writing towards it. I thought maybe something will happen that changes everything, a twist or something, but it never happened.

Any protagonist needs a goal that has to be clear from the start and there should be something or someone that prevents him from reaching the goal...conflict, etc. There was none of that here. Just writing for the sake of writing.

When it comes to descriptions, less is more. Tone it down. A lot.