The Lamb by Steve Lewis (tinkin) - Short - Dave awakens to find his friend has tried to sacrifice him to the Grim Reaper in order to avoid his own death.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format 8)

Creepy, well-written, but a story that's been told a hundred times.  You can check in, but ya can't check out.   Had a Hellraiser-ish vibe to it.   Couple typos on page seven.

I'm not gonna make a big deal about the camera directions (leave that for Dreamscale), but the big twist was predictable and I think you could probably come up with a better title, IMO.      Sorry for being so harsh.   All in all,  it was just "ok" for me.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Somewhere in this is a good story. From your logline, I know that Jeff is actually an important character, but he doesn't show up until late in the script except in dialogue from the Old Man and The Impaled Woman.

When he does occur he says the line:

Jeff
Dave, I can explain.

We just don't feel any connection to Jeff as
any kind of real antagonist yet because
he hasn't been shown. From this perspective,
when he dies, it's meaningless.

The use of Impaled Woman is weak for me. She says,

Impaled Woman
I killed my friend. He was
supposed to leave me alone.

*I didn't know what that was about.

You might consider letting the audience in on The Old Man's
questionable nature. Especially if he seems "iffy" to begin
with, you could work on that aspect rather than using
a bunch of camera directions and heavy description at the
beginning.

I guess it boils down to

Don't bog the reader down with details before he has
some kind of reason and desire to read on.

This one needs a lot of thinning out, but there's potential.

Sandra

I liked the story. A bit of a spooky vibe going on * esp liked the demise of the impaled woman * the premise of outrunning death has been done * this one would have been interesting to see Jeff betray Dave rather than thru dialogued

Not too shabby an entry for the OWC.
Opening camera direction won't score points with the director judging the entries though.
If you were directing this yourself, I can see why you might put that in there.
I knew the Old Man was bogus but the impaled woman twist was decent.
After that, the story chunked and Angou's trick felt like a cheat.
If you had inserted that Angou gets off on giving false hope, that would work.
Something to lead us into your not so tricky trick would have helped.
Would have been cool if Jeff and Dave were in there together from the start.
Less exposition and more back story bickering would have been nifty.
Decent read overall, thanks for posting.

E.D.

I think there is potential here. A lot of work needed on this particular story, a lot. But the writer has an imagination, and is attempting develop a theme, which takes work. i believe there is a good chance this writer will produce something really decent with some more development. I look forward to the next script to see that growth.

I thought this was nice and gruesome. Right up my alley. Smashing peoples heads in with a hammer always makes me cringe.

Its a tad overwritten IMO. This didn't have a good flow to it. I think that chase scene could be cut down alot. For a short, its almost too much action to cram in the pages allowed.

Would've liked more interaction between Dave and the old man. Creep us out with the legend first. Then send him running.

Overall, not bad.

Good job writing a script in a week.

James

This was interesting, exciting at parts -- I like the early scene with Dave and the Old Man, it had a kind of mad feel that made me think something really original was going to happen -- the ending was a let down, to me.

This was familiar but good n' gory.  I wasn't quite sure how Dave and Jeff were both in the Lair of the Grim Reaper if they were both alive.  How did Jeff know how to get to this lair and, if he brought Dave as his replacement, what was he doing there at all?

Also didn't really understand the impaled woman, as she had little to do with Dave and Jeff's story.  She seemed more like a distraction.

I think you should have intro'd Jeff at the beginning, maybe offering Dave a beer and next thing you know Dave wakes up in the lair.

At the end, if the old man is Angou, then who is pounding on the other side of the door?

On page 9, "wait" should be "weight."

Overall, not bad, but too many unanswered questions.

I actually stopped reading after 1/2 of Page 1, based on the ridiculous use of camera directions, poorly worded phrasings, etc.  I was all done, as I should have been...but I read some posts and saw some positive things and and impending graphic violence, so I finished.

I probably should have followed my initial thoughts and stopped.  This is by no means good.  Reeks of amateur hour, sorry to say, but we all start somewhere, at some time, so forgive me...I understand.

Lots of issues throughout..passive verbiage, poorly set up scenes, weak dialogue, awkward phrasing, weak story, no real payoff in the end, just nothing remotely entertaining here.

But you know what really pushed this into the shitter for me?  It's something so frickin' simple and yet, so important...your choice of character names.  Now, hold on a sec...I know Rick said these scripts could be set in modern times and all, and that's cool.  But using the generic names of Dave and Jeff (love the name, bro, but not here) just turned this into a joke almost for me.  Angou may indeed be a Celtic myth, but you lost all realism by using these 2 very American, generic names.  I really don't get why you'd choose to do this.

OK, listen, it's not all that terrible, in reality, but it's just so generic, paper thin, and offering nothing new that it irritates me.  The writing is poor, and it plays out like an old video game from the early 80's.

I bet there was some thought in this and I do appreciate that, but you've got to read some good scripts and understand what's acceptable and what's not...and why.  Form your own voice form there and keep at it.

Congrats on completing an OWC script in a week.  You're on the right track, and I apologize if this all sounds quite harsh.

I know exactly what you are thinking and believe me when I say at one time or another all of us here want to feed Jeff (Dreamscale) to Angou too.

I can deduce from the camera directions that you are new here.  We usually frown upon those here because we deal mostly in specs and while some camera moves are ok, they are only ok if they are critical to the story.   If you were a regular here you would have gotten tired of people complaining about them and you would leave them out.

As far as the story goes, it was creepy and it worked.   I would have liked for it to be even  more twisty but honestly that's personal choice.  I sometimes think about writing a screenplay about the entire world's history in 5 pages - so as you can tell I like things on the complicated side.  But simple is sometimes good too.

Production wise this would be very inexpensive to make.  I think the one problem would be the head wounds because those are the most expensive make-up effects.  But you could probably get away with just a lot of blood in this case.

So, good job.  

    

I thought this was pretty good - it needs a decent re-write but was pretty chilling in parts.
The camera stuff didn't bother me - I'm moving away from the tedious straightforward type of formatting and general writing anyway - its time to liven up my scripts.

At least you had a neat kind of mythical beast here.

Creepy story, very exciting.

Pulled me right in and kept me in suspense till the end.

When Dave sees Jeff I recommend he exclaims "Jeff?" otherwise we wouldn't know right away.

Made my heart race. I loved it when the old man became Angou.

The opening is too long, I guess I should say bloated. always look for opportunities to trim and compress. Oh and lose the direction (CU) that's for the director and let me tell you they hate to be directed. Just tell us what WE are seeing.

- You let ETC. take up a action line?
- Don't underline or bold it's distracting and unneeded.
- A lot of gore. Gore doesn't make horror.
- Since he killed her, now he's the bad guy to be taken and only on page 6.
- Pg 9 THEY spring apart.

Ah you must be 'The End' fiend. The End is for novels. Fade Out or Fade to Black works just fine. Overall a nitpicky point in an otherwise nice story. I get the feeling this isn't your genre of choice. A lot of people think horror is just about blood and guts. I do appreciate that you almost got a moral tale in there. Good Job

Above I noted Dreamscale had a problem with the names Dave and Jeff. Ignore it. Dave and Jeff is fine. As long as they weren't like Dude 1 and Dude 2. That said, you ticked me off a bit too, that first page. That's okay-a OWC, you're most likely green, and better to have a 10 page script to work on than a 145 page behemoth. The first page is the least of the problems for me.

Aside from the camera shots, there is the title and excessive opening white space on p1 that would drive any reader to madness.

Quoted Text The old man reaches behind him and pulls out a torch which he tests on and off. He slides it towards Dave and rolls it under the bars

Three hocus-pocus moments in one. Must be a supernatural thing- otherwise, it is continuity errors.

• Where did the torch (flashlight) come from?
  
• Old Man slides it to Dave first, then rolls it.
  
• Is the torch (flashlight) on or off when it is given to Dave?  Why not light it. leave it on, and hand it over to Dave between the bars?
  

I think The Old Man would use the torch already, which is why I wonder why he "reaches behind him". Considering what happens to Old Man at the end, maybe, just maybe, 'tis really hocus-pocus....

Or is it? Because...

Quoted Text (Dave) pulling the door behind him

You mean he pushes, don't you? If he pulls, he's going to have to put one of two items somewhere else. Hammer in a pocket or the side of the pants, perhaps. Also, later when he meets Impaled Woman, his hammer is not in his hand. The flashlight (torch) comes and goes.

Yes, it does. See p.5. Dave does not drop the flashlight (torch); we assume the hammer is in the other hand. He doesn't drop that either. If he put the hammer on his person (such as what I suggested) he still has the flashlight (torch) in one of his hands but he never loses it See p6. He never put away the hammer either. Flashlight/Torch in one hand. Hammer in the other.

That's far worse than p1 in my book. If it was more than ten pages, I would have quit right about here.

Quoted Text "He's Free!"

So you tell me.

===SPOILIER R US===
If there's one thing I detest in today's cinema, it is when for reasons I can't explain, rules are set up in a horror/scifi or fantasy world, and then the filmmakers/writers gleefully break them one by one. I want you know something. I hate that. I don't like it one bit. Scripts are no different. I get it, y'know, it's "cool" to break rules.
--- No, it isn't.




The overall idea is good. The execution not so much. Still, again, better a ten pager than a monstrosity. Not too bad for a OWC. But still hardly the gem folks above are making it out to be- although the hammer in the head is somewhat effective.

I think I get what you were going for with Jeff...  Have the characters talk him up before you ever actually see him and then spring him on us.  If that was your intent, it just wasn't done effectively.  Personally, I like the device.  But it only works if you give us important details about the characters personality.  Give us reasons to fear him, detest him, loathe him so we have all these emotions bubbling up inside and then when we see him we're already madly in hate with him...  But all you tell us about Jeff is he's some guy who bought his friend a drugged beer.  So when we see this Jeff guy, we already know he's a pussy, which is not new to us when he tries to barter for his life and "explain" things to Dave.  We don't have a reason to care about Jeff or enough reason to hate him, therefore his death is rendered virtually meaningless.

The visuals in the scene with Impailed Woman are decent, especially the relentlessness of her actual death.  However, the dialogue and characterization make no sense.  She brought her friend there to be sacrificed and yet she herself was dying anyway.  So you're subtly foreshadowing that even though Jeff did that to Dave, Jeff will likely not make it out of this place either.  Okay.  But in her dialogue she actually says "Jeff."  The timeline doesn't make sense... if she brought Jeff down here, how did Jeff escape to get Dave and why would Jeff even bother coming back in the first place?  This would also seem to imply that Dave could get out if indeed he weren't a moron who runs around in circular hallways.  Overall, her scene feels like a plot flaw.  Maybe it's something that you were trying to hint at, maybe it's something you could expound upon in a longer rewrite.  I'm not sure.

I'm also not sure why Dave was trying to pull the pipe out... if the pipe is lodged in the wall, he can't pull the whole wall through her.  He'd have to pull her off of the pipe.  Which would likely kill her anyway, so it's kind of pointless.  I get that's it's a kind of desperation, grasping at straws, but visually I don't think it would make much sense.

This one didn't work for me.

A lot of questions to be asked that there were no answers to.  Jeff was introduced far too late and I just couldn't accept what was going on.  The chase scenes were pretty lengthy too.  

The ending was nicely ironic, though it's been done before of people trying to escape Death only to be killed in the end.  

So I really couldn't get into this but good effort for a week.

Greg

Hi, William

Left justified FADE IN:

Don't do the camera shot thingie.

"I don't think he can hear you" was pretty funny.

I don't care for what a dolt Dave is.

Gotta hit your ENTER button pretty much after every sentence in your action blocks.

The scenes are certainly horrific, though I'm not real clear on why dead people are littering this "reception hall" of Angou.

Nice little spooky talk there at the end.
Nice story.  GL!

Pros

Interesting visuals. Good opportunity for bold set design.

Good atmosphere and a suitably meaty tone.

Brave choice to use the Angou.

Cons

Death in his various disguises crops up often and it's very hard to come up with a new twist on the story. The biggest problem here is that I'm not sure you've quite managed it.

You need to find some way of taking the audience in surprising directions with the character.

Very good effort though.