Reliquary by Lorenz Schwietz - Short - A homeless prostitute learns that even those who have nothing can still sacrifice everything.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format 8)

This is very good and one of the best. There's only a couple of things:

I have to say, regarding the logline:

A homeless prostitute learns...

*And I thought, "Homeless?! She musn't be very good.". Sorry,  ;D had to.  ;D

But seriously, she was drawn up very well as a homeless prostitute. But in actuality she wasn't one? Maybe it was wishful thinking?  ;D

I'm just havin' fun with ya.

Nicely done!

Sandra

He...could...go...all...the...way! A line shot to left, way back...this could clear the wall!

Excellent! Wish there were more like this!

What I like about the ending is there is something to think about. Clues left by the writer, something to contemplate. Did Madeline's reality change? Was her life as a prostitute a dream? I think perhaps the key clue is with what her mother said. We'll never leave you. Never. That suggests to me that the new reality is the created one, a dream if you will. These creatures of her head, of her mind, will always be there now. A gift from the spiritual creature.

I probably don't have it right, but that's how it should be. Leave the viewer wanting to know, figure it out. Great job.

Just want to add; there were details that should be added in rewrites, such as what this creature is, what it does. If it is human or was, which I guess is the case since it had a son.

The hooker with a heart of gold finds a gold coin.
I didn't quite get the mythology here.
Humans running on all fours and leaping over moving cars, not short film friendly.
Lynch's speech affectations slowed the read, no need to fancy up the accent.
I like Madeline as a character, would like to see her in a more coherent story.
Decent elements you put the effort in, but it's a bit of a jumble.

E.D.

Hi, Lorenz  ( - SPOILERS - ) Ya daft goblins!

Well... it drags on a bit before some really unclear street chasing goes on.
And then there's the fight, concede, gang up on the spider-ninja-old-woman thing.
Kinda weird.
Lotta fighting for people who are generally pretty apathetic or old. Big energy expenditure.

Oh... kay.

Nice soft-hit there at the end, but a bit odd.

Overall, the story isn't much horror.
The challenge has some "possibly to be filmed in UK" element to it, so I'm not sure why the hooker's going to Miami.
Maybe they got one over there, too.
The effected dialect has some, er... something to it.
Doesn't really matter.

Kinda disjointed.
Can't go wrong when there's shagging for SPAM, though. Can ya?

:)

This story has strong texture, with a good central character and some surprising drama.

These are notes I made as I read:

Pg 1 – The story begins with a good sense of location and strong introductions to the characters.

Pg 2 – This page feels like it has quite a bit of description, much of which I’d guess will turn out to be unnecessary.

Pg 3 – On the top half of this page I’m a bit confused because you’ve not told us anything about how Lynch responds to what is happening.

Pg 4 – I like the gritty quality this has so far, but I’m getting a little impatient for some sense of where the story is going.

Pg 5 – “and takes out twelve dollars and thirty five cents” – I’ll be amazed if it turns out to matter what the exact amount of money is. This is an example of too much detail slowing down the story.

Pg 6 – The “old woman” chasing her feels like it comes out of nowhere.

Pg 7 – I appreciate that it’s a dialect, but I don’t know if you need to write the dialogue as phonetically as this.

Pg 8 – Good action and drama.

Pg 10 – The finish is genuinely startling, but I like it. It might be that a stronger sense of her having earned this finish would help, because there is a danger of it playing as deus ex machina.


Philip

Quoted from Electric Dreamer The hooker with a heart of gold finds a gold coin. I didn't quite get the mythology here. E.D.

Oh come on E.D., take a leap of faith.  ;D

Sandra

I'm not quite sure what I just read here.  I don't know if I liked it or disliked it.  Confuzed.  One thing's for sure, all dat slang talk gots ta go.  Just made for a dificult read.    I'm also unsure which celtic myth this had to do with, if any.  A lotta questions here.

In any event, it was original. You get credit for that.  Congrats on finishing the OWC.  

Reliquary  * I liked this * Good title but I hate looking up words when I am reading * Madeline leaps over a car hood? * I saw her more a homeless girl forced to barter with sex * “…her, sadly, home” not sure if I liked that description * why was the old man the one with the coin? * I didn’t get the newborn boy at the end * my fav part was the librarian spraying the chair that Madeline had just vacated * couldn’t quite figure out which myth this was based on * staying with her stepdad never a good thing

SPOILERS

I like the ending but I think that there might need to be a little less dialogue and gritty "reality" and more surreal dream quality to the early part of the story.  This is a good effort, certainly.

I thought that the set up took a long time and the horror atmosphere was not brought up early in the script.

Lynch saying "that's how you talk to step-daddy" - I think he'd say "daddy". Maybe she should correct him "step-daddy!". --just a suggestion.

The ending was good. I'm not sure about a newborn though.

Figured I would give this another read, with notes, since it's not getting attention. I should mention I truly have no idea who the writer is, so not trying to plug it.

On my second read, I am less enthusiastic, though still intrigued. There were a lot of parts to the "homeless" part of the story that did not make sense to me, or I could not buy. Some of that could be made a little more plausible depending on how the end is interpreted.

My first note is about the library. Leticia fumigates the chair, unseen by Madeline. That precludes this part from being Madeline's "dream", since it is something we see but she doesn't.

It's kind of a stretch for me that a homeless girl, who is attractive and does have an income, would stay living in a hole with an old man who beats her and used to beat her mom. Prostitutes are survivors. She would run. A prostitute might stay with someone abusive if he has some appeal on some level. But this guy?

I agree with previous comment: what's the deal with Miami? Long way to hitch from UK.

If the old lady/creature killed the old man outside the store, was it because he had the gold coin? If so, why was the old man desperately trying to warn her while she was in the store?

Is there some significance to the very specific amount of money she took from the man? How will that be filmed?

"Maybe...ain’ none o’ you business,
really...Why don’ you jus’ do a bit
more drinkin’ and do whatever  you
do to “make it all jus’ go away”
--This did not sound real or natural to me. Maybe it's better without the last line.

Her last encounter with Lynch in the hole was kind of unnatural too. Lynch, who she must know is capable of great violence, should not be antagonized the way she was.  And then things escalate to a broken arm

Special effects in the scene in the hole where the creature becomes a water/spider thing are going to be expensive.

MADELINE
I ain’ got nothin’ to lose
--This comment does not make sense. She is losing a valuable gold coin. Maybe she should say, "screw it, worse things than being poor."

I hope this was a more helpful review. My last one was lazy. I was excited about the possibilities with your ending twist. As it stands now, with me anyway, I need to really know now what is the end means if I'm going to get past the other problems earlier in the story. I look forward to seeing that!

I'll give you this - being a "it was all a dream" story, this wasn't bad.  Or was it not a dream?  Maybe that's the mythological part since it seems not to have any otherwise.  But then the question is - what the hell does that object have to do with the woman and why did giving it back suddenly release her from this homeless lifestyle, if that's indeed what's happening here?

It leaves some critical questions that I think should be answered, so I can't entirely say the mythological stuff worked since, for me, it's best guess as to what it is right now.  If this was indeed a dream caused from the injury, I think weirding up the story would do wonders.  And try to tie in more relevance to the mythology.  I definitely would have liked to know more about the old man/woman.  

Overall this wasn't bad.  Felt for Madeline.  Story could use some jazzing up but nice work for a week.

Greg

Meh. I thought this was alright. I think your characters were more realistic and developed than the other entries I've read so far in addition to a little more depth. But... eh. Your monster wasn't particularly interesting. You mention her as a hag at the end, which suggests a monstrous appearance, yet you don't offer any more description than "old women" prior to that. The whole horror aspect, even surreal aspect, was just lacking in atmosphere. Very dry. You need some meat on these bones. I thought the water was blood was cool. It felt truly unworldly. But there wasn't much else I really enjoyed.

The ending, I'm not quite sure I got. It didn't feel like an "it was all a dream" cop out. Well, maybe for a second it did but I don't think that's what it was. Anyway, it was pretty vague and the lack of any surrealism or atmosphere preceeding it just made it feel random.

So... decent setup but very empty. Kinda boring. Needs work.

Your logline said homeless prostitute...if she's homeless, is she really any good? lol.

The story had a gritty element that I like, but well, going back to the prostitute thing…why is she homeless if she actually has a job? Wasn’t she working in the library? Maybe I misread that.

Reading on… I think I misread a lot of things because I am confused.
Why live with an abusive asshole? I’m not saying I know any, but I would think prostitutes know how to get things done. They know how to survive when things get rough. *is there a pun here?*

Also, why is she heading to Miami? The writing itself is good but I just couldn’t keep up with certain elements story wise.

The read felt odd to me, almost disorganized, and I had to try hard to keep up. I wish I could give you more because this is a very good effort.

- Probably should just write out the chase, since it seems like that already.

I like this. Very ambitious and not too talky.

I shouldn't even say anything...I really shouldn't.

Listen, I can tell alot of effort went into this and that's always appreciated.

Just didn't work for me at all, on any level.  Although the writing showed effort, it was pretty bad in lots of areas.  Very novelistic at times, laughable at others.  Just too sappy and overly ridiculous for me.  Lots of missing words and really oddly phrased lines.  Big Slug issues, in terms of how you chose to label them.  Just didn't read well.  That chase scene thing also was a disaster.

Check out this passage...this pretty much says it all - "It may have been used to store coal back in the old days, as there are still bricks and boards and huge, rusted machine that was useful at one point, but now is broken and forgotten." - I mean c'mon now...

The dialogue...oh, the dialogue. I'm not even going there, other than saying, it really slowed down teh read and didn't work at all.

So, I was really confused cause you never even intro'd the "old man" and "old woman".  I also didn't get what was going on at all or why, and that's after like a 5 page intro with nothing happening at all.

One more thing...the "it was all a dream" "twist".  Sorry, but for me, that makes things even worse.  It can work if the "dream" stuff is cool enough to make it all work, but not here, I'm afraid.

So, sorry for the harshness, but I'm being honest and sincere.  Appreciate the effort for sure, now you just need to work on getting it all together.

Pros

Strong characters. Realistic and gritty.

Good drama. The sex scene was very well handled.

Interesting attempt at mixing gritty street realism with a supernatural occurrence.

Cons

Felt the all out horror action clashed with the tone of the opening.

It was hard to get a grasp on what the creature was...it was a mix of a few of the legends it seemed, but it didn't seem to represent a coherent idea.

I like the idea of the creature being somehow capable of changing the circumstances of the girls life. I think it needs to be more subtle though and more in keeping with the solid drama you've created. So hint at the supernatural and build a tone and atmosphere and then use the "hag" as a way of presenting Madeline with a spiritual choice.

Good effort for a week. I suspect that given more time this could have become a lot more coherent.