A Hazing at Dead Lake by Per Petter Christiansson Steineck - Short - An overpriveledged University student learns the hard way that there is no "I" in team when he gets stuck out on a haunted lake with two other teammates.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format 8)

I like the ending, but I didn't like the beginning. The heavy detail with the rugby game is not necessary to tell the story. I think one line of

A rugby game in process.

Is almost enough with any focus you want on character etc...

I think here:

>Grant looks toward the island. Through the mist he sees the faint figure of a WOMAN, long platinum blonde hair, sheer dress that gracefully blows with the light wind.

It's enough to make them grab their shlongs to try and keep them down, but not to scare them. These are real rugby playin' men. Real men that rip off beer tops with their teeth probably. So maybe have this ghost seduce them. Make it more interesting.  ;)

Sandra

This had some good elements - I really dug the mix of the superstition with the traditional college initiation stuff.

The writing was crisp and formatted well. It needed a more killer ending but a re-write would make it a stronger script.  

Nice effort

The story works well and has a good structure. You might be able to get more tension out of this and punch it up if you can give us a clearer reason to care about the characters.

These are notes I made as I read:

The title seems a bit matter of fact.

Pg 1 – “passes lateral” – This made me chuckle because it is such an American Football type description of a pass in a rugby game.

The first page has good energy and sets up conflict in the story.

Pg 5 – Duncan’s exposition feels a little obvious.

Pg 7 – The tension’s building now.

Pg 8 – “Duncan is completely panicked.” – This is an example of where the description on this could be tightened up to make for a sharper read. You don’t need this line at all.

Pg 10 – It finishes effectively. Perhaps I’m not that bothered though because the character is not one I had any reason to care about anyway.


Philip

I liked this. The middle had some good moments of suspense. The shoe paddling thing cracked me up, and I didn’t really mind ‘too much’ all the detail with the rugby game/talk – thought it set things up nicely and got my interest in some of  the characters.

A few funny and scary moments, but also a couple unintentional laughs from tidbits of dialogue (some of Duncan’s? Obvious much and  exposition?),  and from the supposedly ‘scary’ blonde bombshell…I couldn’t help laughing at the image of him sitting down there in her underwater castle, at the end . Maybe that one was just me – sorry. I do have a pretty wacked sense of humour, I guess…
     Also the way Duncan explains the ‘tale’ sounds straight from a fairybook or at least not the way a 20yr old dude speaks?  

Other than that, and a bit of a lackluster ending, I did enjoy this. Re: the ending -   I did like how you slipped in Grant’s “don’t you know who I am” deal. Complete idiot. I was supposed to be happy he got taken - right :-)

Oh, this is the first script I’ve read on here, and I realise you wrote this in only a week. I’m also pretty new to all things screenwriting, so…good work!

Naomi

Not bad. An obstacle to overcome(crossing the lake); a strange, picturesque ending. The characters didn't develop much. All we know about Grant is that his dad is powerful and he is wimpy. We don't know why the creature selected him. Has the makings of a classic fairy tale for kids.

I thought this was a good take on the "macho guy can't get scared" concept.  Couple things:

*The way the logline read, I figured Marshall was the guy who get his and Grant would be the protagonist.  It really wasn't until the rookies were in the boat did I realize that Grant was actually the jerk.  Establish that earlier with more than a "do you know who I am?!" or tone down Marshall's bit.

*Also, the beginning could be trimmed a tad.

But I liked this.  It read well and I enjoyed the inclusion of the Gwragedd Annwn.  Good work.

Greg

Why did this creature care who Grant was? Why not the other boys as well to add to her collection? Other than those two questions i think this is amazingly well written.

The story has an edge with the college initiation twist and with each page goes further into the story without losing pace.

I can't comment on anything else because this was so well written! Bravo to you!

This was a complete story not just a slasher.

I thought it would be Grant who'll suffer - and the way you presented him made it predictable, I think. He's just too bad...and whiny.

Also, the boys talk a bit like little children - I can't imagine a 19 year old bring up his wealthy (I know you didn't use that word) farther in such a whiny way.

The premise is a bit basic too.

But I liked the fact that's it's a complete story, someone to root for and someone to hate.

A HAZING AT DEAD LAKE * I liked it! * too much dialogue spent on Grant’s privileged life * the pulling men out of the boat was cool * my fav line was “you really are a bloody girl!” esp given his nickname of Tampon * well thought out story * good take on the myth * it might have been better if Duncan didn't know the legend

Good on you for actually telling a complete story.
That puts you ahead of the bell curve for this OWC.
The folklore is a nice counterbalance to the fraternity hazing routine.
A couple nip tucks of the rugby opener and Grant's silver spoon repetition would help.
This is a pretty fluid read, no real hang ups that I can recall.
I like the visual aspect of the end, but was left in the dark as to the motivation.
With some fine tuning, this dog will hunt real good.

E.D.

I think the story is good, I like the ending -- maybe filming it could give it the nightmare / dream quality that I think it needs, while the guys are out in the boat.  Also, maybe if all of the other boys, other than Grant, seemed a little more realistic -- a film could do that, too, just showing their rugged but boyish, eager but frightened faces.
This could be a good  film, for sure.

The title scream horror, albeit B horror, but those can be the funnest.

Real long opening compared to the size of the entire piece. And like many other the exposition just killed it for me. Other wise good job.

After having second thoughts in not commenting on a few short scripts in the OWC, I decided to chime in on a few here and there.

I am a bit curious why two characters are named Marshall and Pile Driver while the others are not known by nicknames. It's a bit of a minor nitpick, but think of all the excessive wording that could have been cut down on the first page. Not to mention that, upon reading, nothing's wrong with "Clive". Likewise, "Pete" saves writing time and space too. (I could be wrong on this, but wouldn't last names be on the backs of shirts?)

Some dialog gets a bit campy for no reason ("You...tampon!"-even if it is the given nickname, it just reads corny to me) but oiverall I liked this, even if the ending suggests that the work is cut a wee bit short.

Can't say I liked it, sorry to say.

Writing itself was pretty poor in many areas.  Very passive.  Lots of awkward lines.  Dialogue sounded pretty unbeleivable all around.  Visuals weren't good.

Story was underdeveloped, as were the characters.  The long opening does nothing to help.  Just nothing too positive to say, other than congrats on completing an OWC entry.

Not horrid by any means, but needs lots of work all around.  

Pros

Nice setting. Very in keeping with the mythology.

Really good action on the boat IMO. Reminded me of the Stephen King story that they filmed for Creephow..where they swim out to a jetty and a weird oil spill thing attacks them...the tension really worked.

The "collection" was very interesting.

Cons

A bit expositional.

Didn't really get the Grant's dad is a big shot kind of thing...seemed a bit out of step with the the mythology. Maybe try and find a stronger thematic reason for why she wanted him.

Overall a tense and eerie ride.

Hi, Per Petter   (WTH?)

Turn off your program's (cont.) feature, unless you like that.   ;)

By page 8 I want to smack Grant with my shoe.

I very much like your dialog with the boys. Well done.

Pretty nice creep story.
THAT would be great around the campfire.
Not so much horror, but definitely creepy.

Excellent. Congratulations!

Thanks for (most of) the reviews and helpful suggestions and also to that one person who voted for this.  LOL.  I appreciate it.

I had the idea milling around in my head since the day the challenge was announced but unfortunately I just couldn't get any quiet time to write, so I ended up writing it in 4 hours before the deadline.  

I've since come up with a much better character story.  Maybe I'll rewrite...who knows.  Anyway, thanks.  :)

Marnie,

I'm sorry to see you've deleted your account. I'm going back through and keeping my promise that I'll read any who read mine.

This was well written. For the short time you had, the characters were easy to tell apart. It had a nice eerie flow to it.

Grant's line of "Don't you know who I am?" may have worn itself out. I'd like to see why he's so high on himself. Is he rich? famous? mob?

I liked that he got it in the end though and Ian and Duncan were let go. Some very good visuals towards the end. Good luck. Would be nice to see you back here someday. You know how to write IMO.

James