Yeah, I Am Superman by Chris Ryves (topher) - Short - A comic book fan gets a chance to be a hero. - pdf, format 8)

Chris,

It's weird, there's another script up right now that has a very similar structure to this, with a slight twist.

Overall, I had no complaints about the piece, until the last few pages, when all my sympathies and connection to the main character went out the window.  I was trying to figure out, in the end, what your intent with this piece was.  Was it supposed to be funny?  Was it supposed to be dramatic?  A commentary?  I couldn't quite figure that out.

You see, the sudden escalation of violence just seemed unmerited to me.  I suppose I just don't feel like a robber, especially one who hasn't done anything violent himself, deserves to be beaten within an inch of his life.  I understand that it was supposed to be some sort of catharsis for him, but it was one he took too far.  And it seemed, in the way you ended it with that final scene, that you wanted us to still like him, and furthermore think he was cool.  

So sadly, it didn't work for me.  I would love to hear your thoughts/intentions about the piece though.

-Matt

didnt capitalize his name in the first description, and I personally have no problem with your mini-slugs... but are those acceptable?  you may know better than I do.

nitpick, but dont use "faggot" twice

I like this though, really like the incorporation of the old Superman voiceovers during the beating, I dont necessarily know if it's a full story, and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about Paul, but it's a nice crisp read.

It's suppose to be a very black comedy. I was slightly inspired but that other script and by a History of Violence. It's suppose to be an overreaction brought on by a catharsis and a general psychological imbalance.

I'm actually working to evolve it into a longer black comedy. Think of it like Taxi Driver meets Batman but with a very sick sense of humor.

You're not suppose to like him at the end, he thinks he's cool, but I don't expect the audience to.

Okay,

Topher, right? A MOD, right?

Where in the hell did you come from. No disrespect intended but am a bit curious (not like Cornetto) but curious about you.

Maybe to some of us who have not had the pleasure, care to say hello...

Shawn.....><

Ah I use to frequent here years ago. I'm getting back into the community and posting scripts. I'm a simplyscripter from years ago.

Well man it sure is great to see you then.

Welcome back. Give me till tomorrow night (late here) and I'd like to let you know what my thoughts are on your script.

Take care.

Shawn.....><

Quoted from Chris_MacGuffin It's suppose to be a very black comedy. I was slightly inspired but that other script and by a History of Violence. It's suppose to be an overreaction brought on by a catharsis and a general psychological imbalance.

Yeah, that's basically what I figured.  I think it's just not really what I look for in a comedy, so I'm just not the target audience.

Quoted from Ledbetter Where in the hell did you come from. No disrespect intended but am a bit curious (not like Cornetto) but curious about you.

You're definitely not a bit curious, you're very curious.

And Chris, I thought the script was good.  I really didn't see anything major to criticize.  I didn't have any issue with the end, however, it didn't particularly wow me either.

Some suggestions. I think you should foreshadow the narration at the beginning because it just kind of appears in the store and people who don't know the series might need a bit of a hint.  And I think he should call Rachel Lois, even though her name is Rachel.

Production wise the only hurdles I see are licencing things like the VO and the music.  You might even be able to find the VO as public domain.  I don't think you need to licence someone pretending to be Superman - though you may want to check into that as well.  And, of course, all that is only if you intend to distribute it commercially.

Good luck.  

Strange little tale of a mentally disturbed individual.  I don't think you were able to find the proper tone.  This one drifted between silly and serious.  The visual of this schlub just walking around in a Superman outfit is pretty funny and the fact that he's constantly insulted kind of makes us sympathize with him.  So, the bludgeoning at the end seemed quite out of place.  

I would agree with Vin that you shouldn't use "faggot" twice.  Come up with something better.

In the character slugs, just use PAUL, no need to use both his first and last name.

You didn't do much with the Rachel character, or really explain how these two could possibly know each other.  Instead of (ON THE PHONE) you should just use (V.O.)

There were several occasions where you forget the "s" on the end of your verb.

"An ALARM CLOCK rest on the stand."
"The Old Woman gasp."
"Ashley gasp in horror."

If you're going for black humor, you should try to strike that tone from the beginning and stick with it.  But, I think this idea might have better potential as slapstick.  

Good luck with it.

  

I found this one more interesting than funny, as the humor did not really work for me, but the story had enough going on to keep me reading.

I wondered why you insisted upon calling the character by the full name of Paul Paulsons every time he spoke, and wondered if that was some kind of joke that was going to pay off later (it wasn't).

I would recommend having Clark already on the bus, or it looks like he is getting on the bus to cover a distance he could walk in about 30 seconds, which seems kind of silly.

Pack of smokes for four bucks even seems a bit unrealistic, and the bit with the coffee has been done perhaps a few too many times in the past.

The Charles Lyon stuff is amusing, but it also overstays its welcome, and should probably be cut by half, or at least a third.

Not too bad.  I didn't get that Dinner script at all -- this one works much better.

Ok Topher - I am your target audience for this. I actually did think this was darkly comic. It's not laugh out loud, but I know what you are aiming for and you pulled it off.

When he calls Rachel - I would suggest here you make him come across as even more imbalanced than he does as the script stands at the moment. Portraying him as even more unhinged may help readers 'cope' or understand the frightening level of violence at the finale. It was clear for me, but a general audience may not have had experience of people with such mental health issues (and lucky them).  

I really liked it. The image of him walking around in that suit and the voiceovers from the original series works really well.

As McCornetto states - rights issues aplently. But as a read I thought it was great. Cheers.

hey Topher,

as with basket case, i ADORE dark comedy. i relish in it.

i really love the idea behind the piece. taxi driver meets batman? genius. in fact, this might be better suited if you replaced the superman motif with batman. just a thought.

although i loved the tone and i loved the idea, i just dont think this script stands out. the series of events is really nothing new, especially the ending. and i dont think that's entirely your fault. theres been a huge uprising in films, tv shows, even real life news stories focusing on ordinary people dressing up as superheroes. even still, movies like kick-ass left me wanting more, so i definitely think theres still life in the genre.

my suggestion? develop your characters more, lengthen the script, and make it more unique. i actually wrote a dark comedic pilot entitled The Super Suicider and i am very eager to continue the series.

if and when you post the rewrite, let me know. id love to take a look.

btw if you havent seen observe and report, go watch it right away. you probably have, but it definitely reminded me of this script.

Yeah in the rewrite, it's an original Superhero. I'm gonna avoid copyright all together.  It's more substantial, longer, and hopefully even blacker.

Hey there Topher,

I have two words for you.
Humongous homo.
Consonance aplenty, no need for the double barrel faggot. ;)

This played out for me like Rupert Pupkin on a comic book kick.
A modern equivalent would be the uneasiness of "The Cable Guy".
These kind of stories make me squirm more than laugh.

This one didn't make me squirm, but I did shift around in my chair.
I agree with Ryan on the dropping of "s" in your verbs, stopped me a few times.
I'm on board with Bert about Clark's shortest bus ride ever.
If Clark was repulsed by Paul, he could just sit somewhere else on the bus.

The black comedy part didn't work for me because in the beginning, I cared.
Paul seemed more of a sad sack than a deeply unstable individual.
The vague phone call with Rachel to me substantiated that. I felt for the guy.
Perhaps if Paul was more over the top in the beginning it would translate better.
Maybe if we see those convention tickets and the event is months away or something.

I thought the violence was too vicious.
I still wanted to feel for the poor guy.
To that end, I wanted to see shin kicks,  hair pulls, etc.
Very un-Superman like things, but Paul still did save the day.

I like this character Topher, I think you're onto something with Paul.
I'm looking forward to seeing where you take him, thanks for sharing!

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

I know this is nit-picky, but have you considered dropping the "Yeah" and calling it "I am Superman"?  Seems to roll of the tongue better.

Very early on, with the mirror pep talk, it reminded me of Kevin Spacey in the recent 'Casino Jack'. Agree with AP that this bears a resemblance to 'Kick Ass', which perhaps sat with me too much while reading it. It's a much more complete story than your other recent script.

Dialogue, pacing and Paul's character were all well handled and I think you wrote a good short here. Did I read you are expanding this, or maybe I am imagining it, but you would need to be careful to share too much ground with 'Kick Ass' if you do. Paul could be quite interesting, especially when you factor in his psychotic tendencies.

Would be interested to hear your views on my 'EMD' when it's posted shortly, if you fancy it.

I'll probably change the title given the change of character. In it, he's on his way to a convention to show off an original comic to the guy he adores. Naturally, his comic is terribly written, poorly drawn, and horrifies his idol who reads it.

I want the tone to be alot darker then Kick-Ass. Whereas Kick-Ass was about an ill-advised comic book reader who decides to fight crime as a superhero. This is more about a loner who takes out his anger on society by bringing his own creation to life. Everyone from muggers to jaywalkers are subject to his outburst. It's alot blacker and ha has more in common with Travis Bickle then Dave Lizewski.

I liked this story.

I did feel however Paul kinda reminded me of the fat retarded man in something about Mary.

Have yo seen my baseball?

The scene where robbery occured got a little confusing for me mainly because of the way Jackson was introduced. Perhaps a little expanson on him other than just JACKSON (20) or whatever his age was. I thought he was an employee or something.

Maybe build him up a little. Have him looming around a bit to give the feeling he is up to no good.

All in all though, I thought it was a good story. Good job.

Shawn.....><

*Spoilers*

Hey Chrys (if that is your real name) -

Actually liked the ending on this better than the body of the script itself.  Descriptions were a bit sparse, as were the scene headings.  The writing needed a little more...color, for lack of a better word.  (For instance, you write that the posters are posted all over the walls.)  Mix it up a bit, say something like "posters cover the walls, taking up every bare inch of space.) That sort of thing.  

Another example: both of the insults thrown at the guy are "faggot" - said by two separate people.  Two different insults would work better. Maybe dork, psycho, etc.  

Also, kind of found it hard to believe that the cops rushing to the scene didn't detain a guy wearing a bloody Superman uniform.

But I *did* like the fact that he got a bit of his own back at the end...warped though it was.

Interesting work. I liked it. Hope you'll do more in this vein.

Hey Chris,

Yeah, if you drop the first 'faggot' insult, it'll make the second faggot insult a little funnier and more shocking.

Once again, typos kind of get in the way of the reading.  They're not usually that big of a deal, but they were a little too sparse for comfort.

Overall, I did like it, though.  I love underdog stories and this was definately one of them.  (Not Underdog, the superhero, though.  I mean just an underdog in general.)

Initially, when the police came, I thought you were going to have them arrest Paul Paulson to make it ironic that, eventhough he thinks he's a superhero, he still gets in trouble.  Because technically, as soon as Jackson dropped the gun, that's when Paul starts his initial battery on Jackson, which, at that point, becomes assault.  (You're aloud to defend yourself.  But you're not aloud to defend yourself too much.)

Still pretty good, though.  I imagined Paul Giamatti in the role of Paul, even though Giamatti's much older.  It might have had to do with the whole 'American Splendor' thing, though.

I think you definately have a story to work with here.

- Mark

Hi - interesting read - like some of the postings on here, I was quite happy with the build up, but not too sure of the beating. Initially the guy appears to lack confidence (mirror scene), and does not retaliate at the insults and looks aimed his way. There is no real explanation of his change, and I think it would look better if you built up some anger earlier as he was being mocked on his way to the store.

The Rachael bit hangs nowwhere, it would be possible to put her in the store as an extra dynamic.

If it is just a story of someone mentally unhinged, who likes dressing up, then beats someone to a pulp, it needs a little more than this, to my mind.

A well written piece aside from a few typos. The story kept me interested, although not quite my thing. I didn't care for the excessive beating, but that's me. I see where you were going.

The interaction with Rachel could have been better developed. The voiceovers were good but, as mentioned by others, went on too long for me.

Overall, a nice story that could be sharpened up a bit.

Hello, Can I use this script for my senior project?

Quoted from MatthewWicz Hello, Can I use this script for my senior project?

You may want to try to contact the writer through is contact list on his profile.

He hasn't logged on here since August 2019.

Yep, what Jordan said.

Matthew, contact Don (Admin).

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?v-memberpanel/a-view/u-admin/

webmaster@simplyscripts.com

I can't see any email details on the script or on the Member's List.
You do need express permission from the author.

Don is your best bet to get in touch with the Writer.