Ray vs Ryan

- Logline: The ex-wife of a gambler goes on a killing spree.

- Any genre

- Any MPAA rating

- 3 pages

NOTE:  Someone who is not a contestant for this challenge sent me a script for this challenge.  I decided to include the script as a red herring.  Any vote going to the fishy script does not count.  This showdown is between Ray and Ryan only, so only votes for their scripts will determine the victor.

A

FADE IN:

EXT. TRAILER PARK - DAY

A rusted house trailer in the desert outside of Las Vegas.

INT. TRAILER - DAY

Dim light shines through the thin curtains.

NADINE HOPPER, 28, tired stature, wears a dirty waitress
uniform. She brushes at the dirt --  dried blood.

She looks at the squalor of her cramped quarters, sighs.

She opens the fridge and grabs a can of generic beer. She
sits in an old recliner, groans as she settles in.

A scruffy CAT springs up on Nadine's lap, curls up and purrs.

Her eyes stop on a empty jar labeled VACATION. She raises her
beer can in a silent toast.

Nadine spreads her fingers on her left hand, notes the white
circle of skin on her ring finger.

She sinks lower in her chair, closes her eyes, smiles

EXT. RESTAURANT - DAY - EARLIER

A seedy establishment outside of Las Vegas. A red neon EAT
sign shines atop a shoddy roof. Cars and semis fill the lot.

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

Seats and table wore out years ago. A shotgun rests next to
the cash register.

Nadine dashes from table to table.

DON, 50s, stout, turquoise belt and bolo, ambles in.

NADINE
Hey Don.

He sits at a vacated table.

DON
Nadine, wanna hear about your ex?

NADINE
No.

DON
He hit it big! I swear to God.

NADINE
Who was stupid enough to let him
bet with the markers he's got out?

DON
Here's the funny part, it was way
off The Strip. He was in and out of
the cashier's line so fast...
(slaps hand on table)
They never checked his markers.

Nadine looks flustered. CUSTOMERS clamor for service.

NADINE
How much?

DON
Dinner's on you, right?

NADINE
How much?

DON
One hundred grand.

Nadine freezes. CHAD, 60s, the owner, fat, stares at her.

CHAD
I'm docking your pay until you wait
on another customer.

Nadine looks overwhelmed.

NADINE
Not now you fat fart!

Chad opens his mouth, then shuts it.

The door opens and HUGH HOPPER, 30, skinny, struts in with
CHRISSY, 29, a buxom blonde, on his arm.

His smile is aces as Nadine stares.

HUGH
Hey bitch!

He looks around at the stunned customers. Poses as a gun
slinger. Shoots his finger pistols.

HUGH
I won a hundred grand playing the
slots. I just wanted to serve
notice to Nadine, my bitch of an ex
wife, that I got money and she
can't have none of it!

NADINE
You left me with half your debt.

Customers walk out. Chad's face reddens with rage.  

CHAD
Nadine, you're fired.

HUGH
Please don't be mad. I know how
hard trailer rent can be.

Hugh tilts his head, a gleam in his eye.

HUGH
Meet my new wife.

Chrissy steps out from behind Hugh.

HUGH
That's right. She's your best - oh
I'm sorry - your ex best friend.

Hugh elbows her. Chrissy thrusts her chest out.

CHRISSY
Hugh bought these for me. Nice huh?

Hugh pauses, whispers.

HUGH
Been on any vacations lately?

Nadine's eye glint madness. She grabs the shotgun from the
behind the counter. Aims it at Hugh.

EXT. RESTAURANT - DAY

Customers run. Shotgun blasts echo from inside. Nadine
shuffles out, heads towards the trailer park in the distance.

FADE OUT.

B

FADE IN:

INT. SEEDY CASINO - CRAPS TABLE - NIGHT

A gathered crowd of drinking players and guests chant.

CROWD

Hard eight! Hard eight!...

INT. MEXICAN PRISON CELL - DAY

A young LATINO FEMALE INMATE passes to a lean, buxom JESSIE, 28, also an inmate, a small airport locker key, a large prison key and a metal shank.

CROWD (V.O.)

Hard eight! Hard eight!...

INT. SEEDY CASINO - CRAPS TABLE - NIGHT

RACHEL, 26, bounces with excitement behind playboy JACK, 30, whom shoots his dice throw off the back wall.

CROWD

Hard eight! Hard eight!...

EXT. MEXICAN PRISON - DAY

Jessie, wearing a bullet riddled prison guard uniform, races past the outer gate, her two pistols blaze a curtain of lead behind her, PRISON GUARDS fall like first rain drops.

CROWD (V.O.)

Yay!...

INT. SEEDY CASINO - CRAPS TABLE - NIGHT

All cheer and jump. Chips are paid out, others collected. Jack beams as elated Rachel hugs her jugs into him.

BARKER, 55, a meat butcher in a suit, steps up behind Jack.

BARKER

You're still under me by two-hundred grand, kid. Don't get cocky. Hmm, is this pretty thing your new missus?

Barker's lecherous leer mates with Rachel's disgusted sneer.

JACK

Third time's a charm.

EXT. SEEDY CASINO - PORTE COCHERE - NIGHT

A sheer stockinged leg steps out of the driver seat of a police car. Shiny three-inch black heel clicks the concrete.

BARKER (V.O.)

I thought number three was Jessie?

INT. SEEDY CASINO - CRAPS TABLE - NIGHT

Jack shoots.

STICK WOMAN

Shooter sevens out.

CROWD

Aw...

DEALER flips the marker to black, a fresh crop of chip bets are placed. Barker laughs to himself, shakes his head.

A stack of five-hundred denominated pesos is dropped on the table, bloody thumbprint across the bank currency strap.

All turn to Jessie. Coiffed blond hair, red strapless dress, jeweled clutch, steri-strips on her right eyebrow, big white bandage taped to her left shoulder. She looks magnificent.

JESSIE

This grind joint grow any customer service in the last three years?

BOX MAN eyes her with a crooked grin, thumbs the cash stack, slides her several stacks of chips. Jack watches her eyes.

JESSIE

Close enough. Stick, twelve horn.

STICK WOMAN pauses as Barker steps up, whispers in her ear, both nod. She hooks the stack to the thirty-to-one spot. Barker's intense examination of Jessie goes disregarded.

JESSIE

Jack. Be a dear?

Their eyes lock. Jack sums while Rachel looks at the gnarled, star-shaped scar over Jessie's left breast.

RACHEL

I'm sorry about that.

Jessie maintains her lock on Jack. He throws the dice which the crowd follows, his eyes remain on Jessie's.

JESSIE

Blood under the bridge, Rach. All's fair in love and--

Dice turn up twelve, the crowd goes ballistic screaming.

JACK and JESSIE

War.

Lightning fast, Jessie pulls from her clutch a .38 pistol.

POP! POP! POP! POP!... it drones on amidst a growing thin cloud of smoke, she ejects the spent magazine, slams home a high capacity magazine then shots resume.

Anyone not dead or dying rushes the exit where the armed house security team advances against a wave of patron panic.

Rachel hides in Jack's arms while he admires Jessie.

JACK

Just get in town tonight?

At the game-floor entrance the house security team with Glocks and assault rifles draws a bead on Jessie whom stands calm as a morning doe facing Jack and terrified Rachel.

She passes her pistol to Jack then holds out a fist, thumb up.

JESSIE

This morning.

Thumb presses down. Two covered waste cans detonate to each side of the advancing house security team.

Rachel shrieks and curls tighter into Jack. He points at Rachel to Jessie, gesturing what to do? Jessie shrugs.

POP POP! He shoots Rachel in the head, she drops, he smiles.

JACK

Fifth time's a charm.

Jack and Jessie promenade toward the casino entrance.

FADE OUT.

C

FADE IN:

EXT. CHIMIN’ BELLS WEDDING CHAPEL - NIGHT

The small wedding chapel stands at the end of a boulevard bathed in neon.  Sign out front reads:  “Reno’s Classiest 24- hour Wedding Chapel!!”

INT. CHIMIN’ BELLS WEDDING CHAPEL - NIGHT

HASHBROWN, a dwarf dressed in a powder blue tuxedo, plays the wedding march on an organ.  Wooden rods attached to the bottom of his shoes allow him to work the foot pedals.

He hits the crescendo.

An ELVIS impersonator, attired in an awesomely sequined jumpsuit and golden sunglasses, serves as minister.  He smiles at the bride and groom who stand before him.  

DIAMOND JAKE, 46, slicks back his greasy hair, adjusts his bolo tie.

IVY LAINE, 33, grins from ear to ear.  She wears a denim mini-skirt and hot pink blouse, but a bridal veil rests on her platinum cotton candy hair.

A lone woman in a large hat and sunglasses sits in the back.

ELVIS
Since y’all opted for the econo-vows, we’re
gonna make this quick.   Do you, Diamond
Jake, take this woman, Ivy Laine, to be your
lawfully wedded wife?

JAKE
I do.

ELVIS
Thank you.  And do you, Ivy Laine, take this man,
Diamond Jake, to be your lawfully wedded husband?

IVY
I do.

ELVIS
Thank you very much.  If anyone has just cause
why this couple should not be united in marriage,
speak now or forever--

GOODY GUMDROP, 45, the woman in the back, stands.

GOODY
Right here.

Goody reaches into her trench coat, pulls out an Uzi and sprays the room with burning lead.  

Hashbrown drops in a heap, his oversized head thumping out an atonal death knell as it slams on the keyboard.

Sequins fly as Elvis absorbs multiple rounds.  

Ivy takes two in the head, falls to the floor spread-eagled.

Jake screams from the fresh wounds in his thigh and arm.

Goody walks to the front of the chapel, removes her shades.

JAKE
Goody!  Jesus Christ!

GOODY
Hello, Jake.

Jake looks to his dead bride.  

JAKE
Ivy.  Oh my God.  My beautiful bride.  

He strokes her backside.

JAKE
What a waste of ass.

GOODY
I did her the biggest favor of her life.  
Marryin’ you destroyed me.  Woulda done
the same to her.

Jake looks at the corpses of Elvis and Hashbrown.

JAKE
What about them?  What’d that midget boy
ever do to ya?

GOODY
Wrong place, wrong time.  That’s Reno’s official
slogan, you know.

JAKE
Why, Goody?

GOODY
Why?  You steal my life savings and lose it all
at the roulette wheel and you ask me why?

JAKE
Okay, I prolly shouldn’t a bet it all on green.  
My bad.

GOODY
Then you leave me and Diamond Jake junior
for this hussy.  We been livin’ down at the
shelter for six months now.  

JAKE
Hear they got good soup.

Goody levels the Uzi at Jake’s forehead.

GOODY
Okay, gamblin’ man.  Time for the roll of
your life.

She reaches into her jacket, pulls out a pair of dice, throws them on his chest.

GOODY
Boxcars, you live.  Anythin’ else, Satan gets
a new fluffer.

Jake holds the dice in his hand.

JAKE
Craps was never my game.

Goody’s finger flexes on the trigger.  Jake shrugs, blows on the dice, rolls them on the floor.

They rattle to a stop.  Jake stares at the dice, looks back to Goody.  Smiles.

JAKE
I’ll be damned.

EXT. CHIMIN’ BELLS WEDDING CHAPEL - NIGHT

A staccato burst of gunfire from inside the chapel.

FADE OUT.

Quoted from mcornetto NOTE:  Someone who is not a contestant for this challenge sent me a script for this challenge.  I decided to include the script as a red herring.  Any vote going to the fishy script does not count.  This showdown is between Ray and Ryan only, so only votes for their scripts will determine the victor.

LMAO!

Effing BEA-U-tiful!
Love it!

Capital idea!

I'm late to this game...are we just supposed to vote or are we supposed to comment too?

Quoted from Grandma Bear I'm late to this game...are we just supposed to vote or are we supposed to comment too?

Yes

yes....what?  :)

Yes, either or, or both.

C is head-and-shoulders above A and B.  The descriptions are clean, it reads like a breeze, and the dialogue's spot-on.  The names border on a little too ridiculous at times, but that can be forgiven, given the setting.

A's story isn't all that well defined, and B's descriptions are mostly run-ons that don't properly paint the scene all that well.

Hands down, my vote's for C, though I suspect it may have had more prep. than the others. If not, then it comes from a more talented writer imo. Very entertaining. A lil mix of Wild at Heart & Kill Bill. Great stuff!

Yeah...no contest.  C is sky scrapers above A and B.  B's a few heads above A, but that's not saying much at all.

C is well done, but there's a bit too much use of names in the dialogue.  Good effort though.

My vote is for C.

A and B were decent, but I liked C much better.  

Ghostie

If I were to be a letter, I would like to be a see.
I cannot in good conscious vote against a script using the word, econo-vows.
Nope! Can't do it! Not up in here!

E.D.

P.S. A & B were OK.

Wow.  Looks like a bit of a shut-out happening.  But what if C is the red herring?

You all can start guessing when it's March 27th for you.  I'll announce names tomorrow after work.

  

Quoted from mcornetto Wow.  Looks like a bit of a shut-out happening.  But what if C is the red herring?

All due respect, and I suppose it makes it entertaining, but why did you even allow the ring-in?

Kinda defeating the purpose of the one on one imo. Anyone could just throw one in the ring and it's a diff. ball game then.

I figured I'd give the red herring a try because lots of people were complaining it was too easy to guess whose was whose.   I think it's less easy now.   The red herring can't win the challenge, it can just take votes - so it's still only Ray vs Ryan.    

Quoted from mcornetto I figured I'd give the red herring a try because lots of people were complaining it was too easy to guess whose was whose.   I think it's less easy now.   The red herring can't win the challenge, it can just take votes - so it's still only Ray vs Ryan.

Hmm. Not bad reasoning.  Long as there's only three, good thinking.

For me A and C were somewhat alike but A was somewhat simpler, no fancy characters. I like fancy but the simpler the better...

Good job for writing from the hard logline. I thought about writing something for this (just as an exercise) but nothing came to mind.

A was okay, B didn't do much for me, C was good.

I guess its cool as long as Ryan and Ray are fine with it. But, I didn't like the Red Herring idea neither. Better not be you Cornetto!

I voted C because it was the most fun, Though I didn't see it as lopsided as the voting is showing. Again, I didn't think either were particularly good, Don't expect to.

I couldn't write a script in a few hours that's going to light someone's trousers on fire.

James

A - Ray
B - Red Herring
C - Ryan

Very solid writing on short notice Ryan. That boy and his keyboard are dangerous.

I liked B...

Shawn.....><

Quoted from leitskev Very solid writing on short notice Ryan. That boy and his keyboard are dangerous.

Those were just Greg's guesses.  Who wrote what has not yet been announced.

If Ryan wrote either A or B, there's something rotten and rotting in Denmark...

My bad. C was very well written. A and B showed more of the time constraint, very understandable. Not bad work, just rushed.

Whoever wrote C, for just a day or two's work, nice work!

I'd bet A and B were written in less than an hour's time...between the 2 of them!

Uh O...I feel a delete coming up...

I think other challenges were lighter and more fun.

And writing off the logline (any logline) is very hard I think, I've never done it... and with this logline - probably won't be able to come up with anything if it was me.
Although I enjoyed the entries submitted to other two challenges more actually. Probably it was easier as they had more freedom. Also, I really liked the two hour bracket, two hours - crazy but doable.

Personally, I liked these entries.  They better reflected the writing of the authors.   Plus the stories had a bit more meat.    

The two hour contests had timing problems because of the different locations people are in.  This allows for more and different competitors.

Sure writing from a logline is hard but it is an appropriate real life writing exercise.  

I voted for A. I liked the writing of B best, the dialogue of C best, but the story of A best. The ending was a bit abrupt, but I still voted for A.

and btw, where's screenrider? Wasn't this his gig?

Quoted from mcornetto Sure writing from a logline is hard but it is an appropriate real life writing exercise.

That's true.

All in all it's a good exercise so better have these challenges than not at all.

It's a little early but should I announce who wrote what?

AND...

First off,

Obviously our victor is C, so whoever wrote C is continuing on...

Secondly,

Our mystery script came from Gary Rademan (grademan)...

Gary wrote script A.

AND...

And that means.

Ray wrote B and Ryan wrote C.

Ryan continues on...Congrats Ryan...Sorry Ray.

Anyone interested in a having a showdown with Ryan let me know.  

Can I arm wrestle him instead? or a shot contest?

Way to go Ryan...

A new challanger in town.

GREAT JOB RAY on your outstanding efforts.

Shawn.....><

Quoted from leitskev Can I arm wrestle him instead? or a shot contest?

No.

"I liked the writing of B best,"
Your writing is fine Ray!!  ;)

I wouldn't mind giving it a go, but I can't access SS from the hospital wifi.  Otherwise I would welcome the challenge.

If none of the old veterans take him on, I'll give it a shot. We can wait and see if any of the big guns want in first. If not, I'll jump in the ring.

Then there it is.  Ryan vs Pia...

You two can arrange the time.  Let's go for next weekend or so?  Ok?

AGGGH!
Never saw it coming!
http://www.myspaceantics.com/images/myspace-graphics/funny-pictures/oops-bike-road-kill.jpg

Shocked and amazed. Not.



Excellent story, Ryan!
Fatburgers and whatnot.
Darn near a shutout.

Maybe Jeff will take a whack at you  on the next go round.   ;)
Hey, hey, hey! Got Miss Pia gunning for ya, sport!
Not bad company.



GARY!
LOL! That was crazy!
Whose whacked out idea was that to stick on a third leg point-puller?
How long did your take?


GREAT JOB RAY on your outstanding efforts.
Thanks, Shawn.
What'd you think of the 48hr bit?


"I liked the writing of B best,"
Your writing is fine Ray!!  ;)
Thank you, Pia.
I think it wasn't light enough for an entertaining short.
I watched a SUCKER PUNCH trailer before writing it.
Probably wasn't the best thing to do.
I feel like total road kill.

Good challenge, Ray and Gary.  Not an easy logline.

Alright, I'm ready for the next one.  I'd prefer not to wait until next weekend, but Mike is running the show here, so I guess it's up to him.  Are you sure Pia's agreed to be next up?  Sounded from her post like she couldn't.  

Good challenge, Ray and Gary.  Not an easy logline.
It was a lot better than the lovers in a cave Khamanna and I were going to be saddled with!

I'm leaving about 7am tomorrow. If I know the logline before I leave, I can tinker during the day and e-mail to MC. Just can't access SS while I'm there.

Ok. If you two want to start right away, I'll get prepared.  Let me know.  Already have the next logline.

Sounds like we're both ready.  Fire away, Mike.

I have to go to bed soon, but fire away....how much time do we have?

48 hours from the time the logline is announced.

Hey Ryan and Ray,

Thanks for being good sports about the red herring entry. I wrote my first draft in the first few hours and sent it to Michael and I offered up my draft to confuse the troops. He came up with the mechanics. I changed the ending and a few glitches prior to deadline.

Gary

Quoted from Ryan1 48 hours from the time the logline is announced.

2 days?? Isn't that a bit long?

Hey Gary, I liked yours!!  :)