The Revenge of the Masterless Bastard by John Gunn - Short, Action, Adventure - Revenge is a dish best served bloody… 30 pages - doc, format 8)

I stopped reading this about halfway through it, John.  The story was just getting too ridiculous for me.

I don't know what formatting problems you were referring to, but I found plenty of my own.  For starters, you need to stop using blocks of texts in upper case letters.  Don't use it each time some action happens.  It gets tiresome to read and its overuse reduces any impact that you want to have.

You describe too many things in ways that cannot be filmed.  When you introduce the four mobsters on page one, you describe one of them as a psychopath.  How would someone watching this on the screen know that he is a psychopath?  Later on, you say that this character was being paranoid.  How do we see that?  You have to describe things that can be.

You tell us in the introductory header that the story takes place in 1957.  How would we know that when it's four guys walking along the beach?  Especially when you compare the clothing of two of the characters to John Travolta's outfit in Saturday Night Fever.

Do not use progressive verbs when describing action (ie:  he is running, they are driving).  Instead, use an active tense (ie:  he runs, they drive).

I strongly recommend that you read some scripts, here, and learn the rules of formatting before you write any further.


Phil