The Cycle by Landon Harris (Elmer) - Short, Drama - Time after time we are made aware of the cycle we are bound to, and yet we do nothing to break free from its shackles. 2 pages - pdf, format 8)

The link is broken.

Quoted from Elmer The link is broken.

PM Don, he usually gets it fixed right quick. I don't think he constantly scans the portal. He may not see this.

James


Edit: on the other hand, my posts send a siren off in Bert's house. He's prolly running to his computer as we speak.

I did and he didn't respond =/

Quoted from jwent6688 on the other hand, my posts send a siren off in Bert's house. He's prolly running to his computer as we speak.

And I was just sitting down to dinner, too.  Jackass.

I tried but couldn't fix it, Landon.  I'll let him know.  

The link is fixed.

Don

Cute little story, though a little too pretentious and artsy-fartsy for my taste.

I got the impression that you wrote this as a story first, then changed it a little to make it a screenplay.  You've described some ways that don't work in a screenplay.  You should describe things in ways that can be recorded by the camera:

Quoted Text It's funny; the only two things that could stop that clock from ticking were childhood and death. He looks up at it, almost angry that it has just now decided to stop - here at her end.

This can't be filmed.  All that someone watching this on the screen would be  two people looking at a clock.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Landon,

This feels like a teaser for "The Dreamer", necklaces instead of keys.
Some of the action description reads like dialogue, example:

She glances at the clock.

SANDRA

It's funny; the only two things that could stop that clock
from ticking were childhood and death.

I honestly can't tell if it's a mini slug with fourth wall breaking description, or...
A dialogue chain that's not been formatted properly. Hung me up a bit.

I think this would have more impact if there's a way you can show us the relations.
You flat out tells us in your description, giving the audience meta information.
Sounds like an intriguing off shoot of your earlier short.
Hope to see more of that one soon.

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks Don for getting it fixed and for putting this up in the first place. You're the man!

And thanks guys for checking it out.

The line you are both referring to wasn't meant to be an action block but dialogue. That's what happens when you copy paste from Word to Final Draft I guess. heh.

I thought it was beautiful. Just beautiful! --loved it.

I didn't understand the very first paragraph about two lines of people... -that's my only gripe. I forgot about it soon when reading you short though:) Great job!

Thanks for checking it out, khamanna. Glad you enjoyed it.

The lines of people was meant to symbolize the people/world around us moving incredibly fast.

Thanks again. I'll be sure to check out something of yours.

-Landon

This needs another page or two. You need to establish your scenes better. You're not using proper script format. Us screen readers Thelma and Louise off a cliff when you don't tell us exactly where we are with a slug. At least one full slug.?

I like your opening, Trains of people blurring past Adam. Then, you need to establish...

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Adam holds Sandra's hand. Blah, blah...

You took us from a sequence that I though was the entrance to heaven without a new slug. I think it needs it.

I agree with Phil on your unfilmable. No way to tell what Sandra is thinking or the theme you setup before its told in dialogue.

Again, Anna moving from the entrance of heaven to hospital room needs a slug. Establish where the scene takes place.

I think you should even have two slugs that establish the entrance to HEAVEN or AFTERLIFE in this. Then the trains of people. Some may argue....

I've never believed in trying to mystify where we are in a script. Afterall, its the director who has to try to mystify the audience if he films it. Better to let them know where you're going off the bat.  Even if it won't be completely obvious to the audience.

As for story... I liked it. I felt it. Though, I think it should be child birth and death. Only two times we are all equal. Nice short.

James

Thanks for the read.

The problem I faced with the slugline thing...was that it doesn't really take place in hospital. I imagine it taking place in the white environment I described in the beginning with two lines of people running on either side and the hospital bed in the midst of it. Didn't really know what to call that location.

Your advice is helpful though and definitely addresses the main problem I faced with it and face with a lot of my scripts. So thanks.

Glad you liked it.

-Landon

Hey Landon,

This one was a little bit too ambiguous for me.  I was really confused with the two lines of people.  I was sitting there thinking, why does he have to wait in line behind all these people to talk to his dying mother?

I understood what was going on, I just think the description should give us a little more to make it easier to comprehend what exactly is on the screen.

I also didn't understand why childhood would stop the clock.  So, the clock wouldn't start ticking again until the next person was a young adult or something?  But now, going back and reading James' post, I see that you meant child 'birth'.  Should definately change that line.

I also wonder if Adam's kid is pissed that they never got a chance to wear the necklace.

I saw that Electric Dreamer said something about this could be a trailer for 'The Dreamer'.  I'll have to take a look at that tonight.  Maybe if this was part of something bigger, it would take the ambiguity out of it for me.

- Mark

Mark,

Thanks for reading.

I didn't mean child birth, I meant childhood. The point wasn't meant to be taken literally. The point of the script was to make the statement that as a society, generally the only time we ever actually slow down and experience life "in the moment" and enjoy and appreciate our families, etc. is when we're children or when we're dying.

The necklace was just supposed to be a symbol so that, if filmed, the viewer would recognize Adam for who he is since he would look a lot different.

Again, thanks for reading. As soon as I catch up on my reading for other people I'll check something of yours out.

-Landon

Hi Landon... I liked it. I agree with some of the above posts that the formatting nedds work, however I think it could be filmed using "voice overs" to cover the dialogue...Peter

Thanks for the read, Peter. I appreciate it.

Hi Landon this is Va productions and I like your idea here but I must say it is confusing the crap out of me do to the way you formatted it. But other than that I liked the idea you have here. A 3 out 5 for me and a possible pt more if you fix the format.

Poor format. It was only two pages, why not type it all out or fix it?

In two pages you don't grab me, you have an interesting idea here, but that's it. An idea. To me something like this needs to be played out a bit more. It comes off as a dream sequence in something bigger. Trippy for the sake of being trippy.

Your "out-of-body" images worked for me. I liked where you were going with this, but I don't think you quite got there. The skeleton of the story was there, so to speak, but it was missing the meat. Please don't take this as some sort of condescending comment on big errors, but I really was extremely put off by the dialogue format mistake. I'm amazed that people don't look over their screenplays before submitting. I'm really not trying to be rude, but that big of an error has a tendency to cancel out anything good you write, at least to this reader. Good luck. Again, I liked your "far-out" imagery.