The Beginning of the End by Martin Cox (chelsea) - Short, Drama - An epihany in black and white. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Martin, the writing here is truly excellent. And the story really had me intrigued. But I have to say I'm not sure whether I can accept how it worked out.

spoilers************

I am assuming that Jeremiah's revelation comes from the fact that he has just shared William's dream. And from that he now suddenly sees that his desire for William's woman is against God's commandments, and that slavery itself is evil. I don't know, not sure if I can buy that.

But I do hope you write more Civil War stuff. I'm not even a Civ War buff, but you do a great job with capturing the period. You write it, I will happily read it sir.

Hey Kevin.

Thanks so much for the read and great comments...really motivating.

You're correct that Jeremiah's epiphany comes from the fact that he shared William's dream. In fact it was when William asked God for them to trade places for one minute.

I don't want this to come over as a pious, religious piece but I do firmly believe that there is a seed, a modicum of good, in every man and whether by Divine intervention or just plain common sense, revelations such as Jeremiah's have happened and will continue to do so.

This belief allows me to keep my faith in the human race despite the c**p that we see occurring on a daily basis.

Also, a big "shout" out to my friend James Williams (JWENT888) who gave me expert guidance on this one.

By the way, are you from Glasgow? If so, do you guys still have that den of iniquity 'The Velvet Rooms' up there? I spent many a night propping up the bar and being propped up by friends and strangers alike...good days.

Anyhow, thanks once again.

Best.

Martin.

Hey Martin

I do want to emphasize that I really liked the way you executed the script. That's why I hope to see more from the period, but I love history, so any historical period is interesting.

Hopefully some others will read an chime in. I am all for your general premise that there is at least a nugget of goodness in even the worst person. Problem here is this: in the beginning, Jeremiah is almost presented as the reluctant slave master, someone who likes his slave, William, but who accepts the necessity of the way things are and the rules under which they live. I realize in hindsight this impression was drawn mostly from the words of the wife at breakfast, but there was also Jeremiah's meal as a clue.

Then we see Jeremiah as being far more evil and motivated by lust. It was a switch I did not expect and made me realize I had completely misinterpreted the opening.

And then at the end the 180 degree turn was severe. All of a sudden they're all holding hands and all trace of the evil is gone. That was just too much for me. It's like Hitler having a bad dream and becoming Ghandi. The change is too severe.

Oh, Martin, forgot. I have never been to UK, so certainly not Glasgow. This Feb's OWC called for Celtic mythology, so I set the story in Glasgow. I figured most people would use the woods or the mountains, maybe a lake, for their setting, so I went urban to be different. I would love to visit Glasgow some day though, and certainly will hit a few pubs!

Hitler becoming Ghandi...Shite, that is severe!

Best.

Martin.

This is the weirdest script I read since Ive been on this site. Now do I hate this script, No but since Im black and this reminds me of the Roots Im not to proud of it neither.

My rating for this script is a 5 out of 10. For I was disturbed and didnt like the Roots too much when I saw that.

Sorry Martin, but this one fell really flat with me.  The dialog and characters were over-the-top and cliche, like an exaggerated version of Song of the South.

Jeremiah's character was extremely cartoony, IMHO.  One moment, he's "What a beautiful day."  The next, it's, "I"m gonna whip me a slave."  Even when he has the whip in his hand, he seemed a little too cheerful.  Did the plantation owners even do this?  Isn't the dirty work the job of the overseers?

The sudden change in Jeremiah's beliefs came on too quickly.  It didn't work.  Maybe if he thought about it over the time and reflected on his ways.  God flipping the on-and-off switch in his head just doesn't work.


Phil

Hey Martin,

Kudos on a period piece and your page execution is pretty solid.
Jeremiah's character arc does not work for me.
I can appreciate you actually putting an arc in there, many shorts don't bother.
However, the revelation is very extreme, but that's only part of the issue.
The catalyst here being "God", is unseen and not foreshadowed at all.
Combining a severe character change with a catalyst out of nowhere alienates the reader.
I can appreciate the "road map" but you need to get us there with a better route.
Is it because Jeremiah has designs on her that he takes out his anger on William?
If you foreshadow that affair and show that William knows, that's a connection.
Now your two male leads have a dynamic connection to play with on the page.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Martin.

I think this is the first story of yours that I've come across that I didn't really care for.

It's cool you did a period piece, I've always really liked period pieces, but this really didn't hit the spot for me, and it was pretty much because of what Phil and Kevin (EDIT: and now E.D., who must've posted while I was reading), have mentioned above:  that the change in him is just way too abrupt and out there and really not even clear.  (I thought it was just a fantasy that William was having to get himself through the beating.)

And, to kind of add to Phil's comment about the characters being over the top and cartoony, what really brought this story down for me was the dialogue.  Not only was it cartoony and cliche, but it felt really forced and the dialect seemed very fake to me for some reason.  Even though you used some terms that were used in that time period  (beloved and pickaninny), the dialect and accents just weren't there for me.

However, I really liked the message in the story, I just didn't like how it was conveyed with a snap of the finger and then all of a sudden everybody understands it.

Still a really positive message, though, that I wish everybody COULD understand with a snap of the finger, (instead of a whip).

- Mark

Martin,

Sadly, I don't feel like I have anything particularly new to add to the comments above.  

You have the fragments of a good story here, but everything is just way too on the nose.  Everyone speaks EXACTLY what they're thinking (in pretty awkward dialogue), and nothing is subtle or left for the audience to figure out.  Jeremiah goes from evil to good at the snap of a finger.  I know that's kind of what you were going for, but it's ineffective as it's written.

I would go back and add some moral turmoil for Jeremiah.  Like, he keeps a slave, but his faith in God (and loving your neighbor and all that) conflicts with it.  And he's actually really broken up about having to discipline him.  I don't know, I'm basically just spitballing ideas here, but you need to add some depth to both the story and your characters.

Good luck!

-Matt

Martin,

You have a typos in your logline, but good to see you write something again. You know I'm always gonna read your shorts.


pg 1 - cream breeches, - don't you mean britches? Eitherway I would save the slang for dialogue and not action. Just call them pants if you still feel you need to point them out.

pg 5
JEREMIAH (CONT’D)
I came here today to teach william
a lesson...but sweet Jesus, it is I
who has learned. - this is the very point where the script goes south.

I remember you asking me how to write this dream sequence. You didn't use it to your advantage IMO. I wanted to see Jeremiah tied to the tree. The wrongdoings that he's done in HIS life being judged, even some William would have no idea about, being said to him.  Its a hallucination for Jeremiah after William asks god to show him. I want to see him suffer the thrashes. Then, maybe, could I buy this character arc. You need to show him get a realization of what being on the other side of that whip would be like.

I almost like to see a few flasbacks. Moments in life that Jeremiah fondly remembers, but ruined... because he was black in his flashbacks...

This is a touchy piece. Be willing to help more if you think you're gonna rewrite. Just PM me. As it sits, not good enough to handle the subject matter IMO.

James

Hey Guys.

Phil, Brett, Mark, Matt and James.

As always, thank you for the read(s).

Not going to make any excuses here. Obviously I am some way off the mark.

You guys know that I value and take all of your comments seriously and like most people here, just want to grow as a writer.

I am always disappointed when I disappoint my SS friends but I am determined to get this one right!

Maybe my delivery at present is c**p but my intention, the premise and its message are all IMHO sound.

I will re write soon, (when I've licked my wounds) and James, I shall take you up on your PM offer.

Time to retreat and re-group methinks...'til next time:0)

Once again chaps, thanks for your comments and support...and this one will be back, bigger, better and bolder!

Very best regards.

Martin.