No Smoking by Avarics (ars89) - Short - Smoking is Injurious to Health. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

ars89

I've seen you around so I know you'll show.  Spelling/grammar/punctuation, I'm overlooking those.   All I'll say about the writing, it will get better in time.  I'll hit on a few things.

Not really any surprises, the set-up looks familiar.

You need a title page.  Second, may I suggest using your real name instead.  When we first meet John, just introduce him right away.  I mean it's not like you're trying to keep his identity a secret.  

Same thing goes for Tom.  When he first speaks, it should be (o.s.) instead.  Parts of their initial conversation doesn't work at all.  It's a Motel.

Where am I?  I think I know, but... you're missing at least two more sluglines...even mini slugs would work.  Definitely one for the "BASEMENT."

You've got a lot of telling and no showing.  "John can't sleep until he smokes one cigarette."  Please try to refrain from doing this.  I don't know try this...

"John lies in bed, restless.  He thrusts his head tensely against the pillow."  I'm just thinking off the cuff... not great, but it's a decent alternative.  

Besides, I think you made it clear early, his addiction to cigarettes is strong.  The audience is pretty smart.  I also thought John was weak, too weak for me.  Most die-hard smokers would have checked into another motel right off the bat or once they settled in went for a drive.  Yeah I get it, but I'm just saying.  

I really didn't see much horror in this.  I just didn't.  As far as the story, there wasn't enough bite too it.  But this is JMHO, others will probably like this.  Unfortunately this didn't work for me.

Read, read, read, books, scripts.

Good luck

Ghost

The bold header movement strikes again. I'm kind of used to it by now, but it's still not in fashion with many. I also note that The Man is not capped with any name, so I'll call him John. Note that this may irritate some folks- he's uncapped on introduction and is called The Man- but once he's in the lobby he's John. (Tom's uncapped as well)

The title page is MIA. I'd much rather you have one than have the title and your name on page one before the script starts. A FADE IN isn't going to break you either.

No page numbers, so I'll go by PDF pages...but that's the least of worries. Take a quick look at p.3 Aside from "I'm alright", it's nothing but a blank page.

After that, grammar issues, spelling errors and tech errors become more of a problem. Then I get to this, my dreaded pet peeve.

Quoted Text JOHN (Confused & Scared) Months, Listen i got a wife and a little girl.

It's not that I isn't in capital (or John for that matter on the previous page) it's the &.
Some folks around here have little quirks and nitpicks. This is mine: abbreviations and/or symbols for a written word. The worst part about this you give me two different reactions from John, not one. Pick one, and align the wrylie accordingly.
The same thing goes for % on the following page, spoken as dialog. Write out the word

The last bit of the short has characters "talking" but there is no dialog. We are "told" this, and it just..

Okay, the script just didn't work for me. Way too many rough edges. The script loosely reminded me a little bit of "Quitters Inc", a Stephen King short story which was adapted into the '85 anthology film Cat's Eye, at least in general premise.

I take it all the parked "rusty" dirty cars were once owned by 'victims' of the non-smoking hotel? If I'm right on that assumption, it doesn't make much sense. After all, what if there was two people travelling, one smoked, the other did not? Or what if a person was a non-smoker, the hotel is vacant but there, in the middle of nowhere, is all these cars in the lot? I'm not suggesting it's a bad thing, only that I think that could be played up a bit more.

Yeah thanx Ghostwriter & james i'll work more harder on script next time

This was a good script and a decent story.  I also thought of Cat's Eye while reading reading it.

You do have a number of formatting errors in your scripts.  You describe things in ways that cannot be filmed by the camera:

Quoted Text A man is driving a white convertible car at precise rate.

  
I don't even know what a precise rate mean.  

Quoted Text He see a nearby motel along the road and decides to check in for a night.

Should read:  He sees a motel and turns into the lot.

Quoted Text John can't sleep until he smokes at least one cigarette.

How do we know this?  We can't see what he feels.

Things should be described in ways that can be recorded by the camera, visually and through sound.  If you want to convey how a person feels, you need to describe him doing something.  In the latter description, you can show him tossing and turning.

Darren brings up a wrylie:

Quoted Text         JOHN     (Confused & Scared) Months, Listen i got a wife and a little girl.

This isn't needed.  Wrylies should only be used when a character speaks his line in a way that's contradictory to what you would expect.  We'd expect him to be confused and scared at this point.

Finally, never end a script with one line on a page.  It's very awkward.  Edit the rest of the script to bump the last line to the previous page.

Hope this helps.


Phil

nothing much more to add to this one besides that your slug lines definitely need work. you change location a few times without telling the reader where we're at. in fact, in the first page you say that John's on the highway, but then he pulls into a parking lot (with no slug line to inform us of this).

as for the story, i didnt think it was bad. i think it needs to be refined a bit more, but i found it entertaining.

one more quick note, you never really describe what John looks like. I guess it really doesnt matter, but it would be nice to have a better picture of who he is and at the very least, his age.

definitely work on your spelling and grammar as well. it made it a bit difficult to get through.

besides that, nice attempt! and i look forward to reading the rewrite. thanks for sharing.

thanks thanks a lot

Ars,

Thought I'd give this a look see, I'm a fan of "Quitters, Inc."
As stated before, there are format errors prevalent in your script.
Please consult any of the above members scripts for reference material.
It's tough to get a story critique when the format hinders the read so much.

I like that you went for the Hotel California approach.
However, devices like that require some plausibility checks.
For instance, someone would know about the missing bodies.
The old cars left out front would get spotted by the police eventually, etc.
"From Dusk til Dawn" had to deal with a similar problem.
Hope this help and good luck! SS is a great resource if you want to learn the craft.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

asr,

Wanted to know when you wrote this script? because few years ago...ditto a film like this was shot inspired from quitters inc in india ....chk this link you'll be thrilled.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTrFErDFc7I

thanks
dsr

Hey Avarics,

I have all the same niggles as everybody that's responded before me.

I couldn't really get into this one that much, and it's not just because of the grammar and typo's.  I think the story's a little bland.  Plus, I'm a non-smoker, so I didn't really know who I should be rooting for.  I didn't like either John or Tom, but I agreed more with Tom.  Except for that little mass murderer thing you quickly brushed over like it was no big deal, he seemed like the good guy to me.  I get a feeling I shouldn't be rooting for him, though.

I don't know if you've ever read 'Quitters, Inc.' like some of the others have brought up.  But if you haven't, you should definately check it out.  It's a short story by Stephen King.  Reading that might give you a little bit better of an idea how to round a story out and make it whole and believable.

- Mark

This short script is free to use and only was written for training purposes. if you see the first page of the PDF its says written by AVARICS uploaded on simplyscript under alias ARS89. A friend of mine suggested this story to me.

As this is my first script, I admit i has a lot of mistakes.

Even if this script is inspired or copied from any movie then the readers must know it was only written for training purposes.

Thnx ARS89 Team