Momma Knows Best by Malcolm Chess - Short, Drama - He may have lost his future wife, and soon will lose his sanity. Why? Because Momma knows best. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Any feedback?

Quoted from 13thChamber Any feedback?

Yeah, read some scripts and people are more likely to return the favour.

Your description of the first scene is basically back to front. You don't want to describe what people are doing and wearing before you actually tell us who they are.

You've got a number of typos and punctuation errors going on here. It's not Georges Room it's George's Room.

Few structural and timing issues going on with the story, and I don't think the ending makes a great deal of sense (her reaction) given everything that has preceded it. Good luck with it though.

Cheers,
Tim.

Yep, as Tim says, chock full of every mistake in the book.  Is your name "Malcolm" or Malocolm"?  Your title page says the latter, but the post says otherwise.  If this is indeed a typo, it's of the worst kind...your name, on the frickin' title page.

Terrible grammar, WAY over detailed descriptions, poor character intro's, passive phrasing everywhere, asides, unnecessary wrylies, "CONTINUED" at the top and bottom of every page, no real story here, no resolution, no decent characters...

Not at all good, IMO.  Read other scripts and provide feedback.  Get to know some peeps on here and that way they'll want to return the favor and read your scripts, just like you're reading theirs.

Sorry to be harsh, but you asked.  Hope this helps and makes sense.

Thanks for the responses. Im trying to learn screenwriting by myself until I can take classes on it. I wrote this script in extreme haste, and probaly shouldn't have posted so quickly, but thanks for the feedback.

I will be reading yours and others scripts. Once again, thanks.

I'm going to agree on the spelling/grammar/formatting errors.  When there are too many in the script, a reader starts counting them and the script becomes secondary.

I thought the story was good, but it fell flat in the end.  It was more like the end of a scene.  And I read that ending two different ways.

Read some scripts.  They're a great way to learn.


Phil

Thank you Phil. I read the scripts on here but don't know if I'm in a spot to critique since I'm not a student in script writing, though I own a few books on the subject. I'll read more though. Thanks again.

Your opinion is still appreciated.  You critique may not be as 'technical' as other people's, but that it's still important.  Concentrate on the stories.

After you comment, see if you agree with previous people.  If you don't, see if you could figure out why.


Phil

Quoted from 13thChamber I read the scripts on here but don't know if I'm in a spot to critique since I'm not a student in script writing

Yeah.  Everybody's always interested to see feedback on their work, whether it's from a professional or someone who just happens to like to read.  Every opinion matters.

As for 'Momma Knows Best', I think it seems to suffer from 'rapid reaction' syndrome, and that's why the story comes off so unbalanced.  What I mean by rapid reaction syndrome is that the characters react to small things way too drastically way too quickly.  The mom doesn't like the girlfriend, so the next moment, the couple both decide to get married spur of the moment.  The mom calls the girlfriend a hussie (or something like that), and all of a sudden, the girlfriend leaves the boyfriend even though they're about to get married.  It just comes off as unreal and way too exaggerated.  Then, the smile at the end just throws a wrench in everything the story has been.

Hope this helps some.

- Mark

Hey Malcolm,

I just gave this one a read.  I see from your comments taht you are just getting into this, so all in all, I thought it was a good effort.  I like to try and concentrate on the story normally since I'm no formatting expert either, but since you're relatively new to this, I figured I'd point out some of the things I think you can work on.

P. 1 "On the cracked stoop the two hold each others hand and look
into each others eyes."[/center]

I think you might want to just go ahead and intro Kim and George off the bat here rather than referring to them in pronouns in the following lines.

P. 1 "KIMBERLY
(laughing)
How’d he say it again?
GEORGE
Well the guy says something like-"[center]

I liked the banter here b/w the two.

P. 2 "Georges"[/center]

Should be - Geroge's - no big deal, just a typo.  Figured I'd point it out since when we are editing ourselves, we often miss them.

P. 4 "MOM - Ah-ah-Ah-ah!"[center]

Rather than having Mom's laugh in the dialuge, you can just go with a (laughs) like you did on page 1 with Kim's line.

P. 4 "Now George,"[/center]

Should be a comma before a name when someone is addressing someone else.  So should be "Now, George".  I used to do the same thing before someone pointed it out.

P. 4 "MOM -Good writtance, ya two-shade heifer.[center]

Ha - like this line.  Should be "good RIDDANCE" though.

P. 5 "She faintly smiles..."[center][/center]

Loved the ending.  

All in all, I enjoyed this and really dug the fact that Momma was pulling George's strings all along in trying to get him to act like a "man".  Hope this helps, and keep at it.

Craig

Thanks for the feedback Mark and Craig. I know I got alot of work to do in terms of formatting and rewriting before posting. I'm just glad you got the story Craig, and everyone else who wasn't to distracted by my poor grammar and all. Thanks again. Do you have a link or way I could see some of your scripts if you have any?