Manhattan by Joel LaFlamme - Short, Sci Fi -  In a world where terrorism is eliminated in the past. A young agent struggles with the opportunity to change his life and his obligation to never interfere with the future. 44 pages - pdf, format 8)

Joel...  

I know you've been around in the past, so I'm sure you'll be back to get this feedback.  Let me get this out of the way first... there's issues with spelling, grammar, and punctuation.  Some format woes.  You're also missing a few scene headings that should be here.  Your logline is a bit misleading.  Your writing. You can easily trim five pages if not more.  Too much telling and no showing.

Having said all that... I finished and have to admit I liked the premises.  I dunno...maybe because I'm a scy-fi fan.  The core of the story is here, but it needs some work.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around this, so I'll make a few notes, come back and edit the post, and conclude my review tomorow.  For now...

The attack scene on the Presidential motorcade...it wouldn't happen that way.  It's not realistic.  One, even if they had took a route with manhole covers, it would have been cleared.  Second, no ordinary sniper rifle is going to penetrate his limo.   It's a rolling tank with windows... dual hardness steel, aluminum, titanium and even ceramics to break up projectiles.  Heck, I think maybe even steel overlaps that cover any gaps.  Of course this is all speculation, but... until you or anyone can prove me wrong, then I'm right.  I'd consider a more plausible option.

I'm thinking Jake should be the centerpiece, I didn't get that.  Seems like the story is driving everything here.  I'd spell out the numbers in your action lines.  Your dialogue was a mixed bag for me, some of it worked and other parts not so much.

The ending didn't come as a big shock, I was expecting it.  But that's alright, I wanted to see how you were going to get me there.

I'll be back to finish... it's late.

Ghostie

I haven't read this, but I'd like to ask the author - why name this "Manhattan"? You do know that's the name of one of Woody Allen's best movies, right?

From Manhattan Project maybe?