Speedball by Matthew Chisholm - Short, Drama - A struggling Australian actor living in L.A. makes a desperate choice in order to feed his meth addiction. 28 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for the read, Michael. I'm glad you enjoyed it for the most part. It has "first draft" written all over it because it's a first draft. I'm planning a re-write and hopefully I'll be able to clean it up a bit more. I wasn't aware that you were an NA member and I hope I didn't do anything offensive or inappropriate.

Cheers again for the read. It's greatly appreciated.

Hello Matt,

I still remember those flesh eating kangaroos!

Read the first 12 pages and was not compelled to read further. Sorry.  Not my thing.

The setup was fine. Struggling actor, spends his money on drugs, and has a friend named Bug.

I will send you my detailed notes on PDF.

Nice to see you writing again.

Gary Rademan

Gary, I think those flesh eating kangaroos still haunt a great many of us. ;)

Thank you for the partial read. I understand this script isn't for everybody. I've read your notes and wanted to tell you that they were very helpful. Rest assured that they will definitely influence how I handle my next draft.

Greatly appreciated!

Whoof.

And here I thought I make my readers feel uncomfortable.  I have a feeling a lot of people might not make it the whole way through this one.  (And honestly, I can't blame anybody for not making it.)  It's a hard nasty ride.  Is it worth it?  Well, in my opinion, there's hope at the end of this one.  And at the end of everyday, that's something that we all look for in our lives.  So yeah, I think the long hard perverted road was worth traveling here.

The writing I liked and I thought it was top notch.  There were some extraneous descriptions, a few overwritten parts, like ScreenRider had suggested, but you could kick me in the butt because I would've never thought this was a first draft.

I think the imagery was great, (and no, I'm not talking about the you-know-what scenes, :-)  )  I'm talking about the dark atmosphere of the story in general.  Gave me a good picture in my head of a shitty L.A.

This was a tough story.  Tough, uncomfortable things happened in it.  But you handled it well, without being scared, knowing that some aren't going to go for it.  But you didn't lie and sugarcoat it and took it head on.  I liked the dark tone throughout.

Good job.  And a very bold undertaking.

- Mark

Just want to bump this up, cause it's a good read imo.

Matt, excellent work for a first draft. This is 28 pages, but it flies by. You held my attention effortlessly throughout and were able to evoke some really strong visual images. The story stayed with me too, (afterwards) which is no mean feat for a 'short'.

And as Mark points out, maybe it is a 'hard nasty ride', but hey, that's life, which is what writing is all about. Be a shame if it doesn't garner more reads.

Good stuff. Look forward to reading another draft.

Mark and LC,

I really don't know what to say. I feel very awkward being praised and am much more comfortable copping criticism. I'm thriller that you liked the story. I know it's a dark one and that there are some pretty tough blows in it, but I just like to write the kinds of things that I would like to read, and I enjoy being challenged that way. I don't like it when writers back down from controversial or taboo material because they're afraid of taking it on the chin. These dark thoughts and impulses exist in every one and I like it when arists have the balls to express that. Maybe I'll throw in some incest in my next draft just to keep people on their toes. ;)

Anyway, as I said I'm delighted that you both enjoyed it. I'm going to tone down some of the descriptions next time around and hopefully tighten a few things up. Thank you very much for the reads and your kinds words. They're greatly appreciated.

Cheers!

Hey Matt,

I see you contributing to the site, so I wanted to give this a read.
The pages here read pretty well even though you take some liberties here and there.
There was one thing about the visuals that tripped me up some.
A couple of times you tell us how it's suppose to look after you describe it:

B.J.’S FANTASY
We’re on a long, golden beach. Crystal blue waves crash
against the shore rhythmically.
TWO YOUNG BOYS
Play in the shallow surf, splashing each other, playfighting,
wrestling each other to the ground.
Now there is an ADULT WOMAN, wearing a one-piece bathing suit
and sarong, playing with the boys, her face hidden by the
glare of the sun.
The whole thing looks like a badly-shot home movie.

The home movie description should be at the top.
Putting it at the end makes me go back and review it with a new "filter".

It's a strange trip, but seems believable to me.
Mister E feels a tad Lynchian at times.

I think you've got something to build on here.
The pages were very fluid for a first draft and will get better with refinements.
I'd like to see more color on Mister E and Yoshi, more trippy dialog perhaps.

And the ending didn't work for me.
B.J. seems fine being a drugged out bit player in life, that's fine.
He shouldn't get the part he wanted, but a small role.
He would be just as happy, that reads truer to his character to me.

Hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Dark, very dark.
A fast read, well written and a real page turner.
nice work.

I enjoy gritty, set in LA, stories, especially those that reference Bukowski.

A couple of comments: Though the descriptives were, for the most part, well written, you sometimes use more words than are necessary, making for a tedious read - for example, on page 4, inside BJ's apartment, you detail, in 11 paragraphs, his every move. This, no doubt, could be shortened.

As for the story itself, it held my attention, but only because it was so shocking, so brutal. That said, outside of the shock factor, there isn't a lot in terms of story. What, for example, is really at stake?

At the end, I thought it'd be more interesting if, shortly before he went to Mister E's, he landed the part - but, having not yet gotten paid, still needing a fix, struggles with the question of whether he should, in fact, go or stick to his original plan to quit using once he got an acting job. The ending, as good as it already is, would I think pack more punch.

Comments aside, for a first draft, it is really good.

Brett, Nemo, Pia and Seth,

Thanks so much for the reads! Your comments are greatly appreciated and you've all given me a lot to think about. Regarding a second draft, my laptop has temporarily died on me so I don't have access to any of my notes, drafts or writing programs. Any work I'd want to do on this has been postponed until I get my shit together.

Thanks again for taking the time to give my little story a read!

Wow, Matt. This is hands down the most full on script I have read in the forum! Gutsy, unapologetic and in your face. I like it! A few things I noticed...

Scene 19.

Should the line:
             MISTER E
Means you have something
worth being alive.

Be: Means you feel you have
something worth living for.

And also the ending, having B.J return to his old ways didn't sit right me either. I would have preferred him to throw the Meth out, and vow change on some level.

Great job!

Loulou,

Thank you for the read. I'm thrilled that you liked it.

As to your comment about the ending, what I wanted to show was that B.J. is stuck in a self-destructive loop. I've never been an addict, but my experience of knowing a few of them has taught me that a lot of them have these mental milestones in their head and you'll find them saying things like "I'll stop when the baby comes," or  "I'll quit when my career takes off". What we're seeing here is that B.J. has reached his milestone. His acting career has taken off, or it is at least beginning to, and his first instinct upon hearing the news is to get high. So he'll continue on the way he's been going, maybe he'll learn his lesson one day, or maybe he'll just keep going until it kills him. A dark ending and a real shame, but it happens.

Thanks again for the read (and for pointing out an example of my un-thoughtout sentence structure). Cheers!

Ahh, the tragedy. So true about addicts. I've never been one myself but I have seen Intervention. Haha! I also just finished reading Anthony Keidis' Scar Tissue, and it deals with heavy heroin addiction. He was at times able to sober up for weeks on end. The tension always lay between him staying clean and copping again.

Food for thought!n ;-)

Ozzi, Ozzi, Ozzi!

I liked this story.  Very graphic.  And ironic as well.  His friend Bug wasn't the usual cliche and the ending was a perfect surprise.  The beginning was a bit slow and the dialogue was good but not great.  But once we get to the parts after Bug suggest B.J. calls his "friend" things really pick up.  I almost didn't read this because your slug line isn't that tantalizing.  I think you should work on that as well because drug addicted actors are a dime a dozen story and it doesn't do this take on that idea any justice.  This was a great short.

Hey Matt,

I read through a couple of comments before opening this one up and decided to give it a go.  Yeah, it's def a trip.  Haha.

That said, I thought you did a really nice job with this one over all, and considering that it was your first draft, that makes it even more impressive.  I thought the writing was very strong throughout, and as a result, I didn't really take very detailed notes as I kind of got caught up in the story.

***SPOLIERS***

I did remember thinking that the first conversation b/w Bug and BJ went on a little too long, so I think you can clean that up a bit.  Also, I beleive that since Bug is on the phone, he should have a (V.O.).

The way that you dealt with BJ's dealer disappearing left me wondering if he was going to play a bigger part in the overall story, but we never hear from him again.  Just curious, what was his deal, cause' he seemed to disappear into thin air.  I guess that could just be part of the trippy vibe you have going on here, but I was curious.

Also, the convo b/w Bug and BJ at the diner was a little contradictory for me.  I think someone already mentioned (E.D.?) that Bug mentions that BJ had a tough childhood, and yet we see him seemingly happy in the flashback, so I won't go into that.  

The thing that jumped out at me was that hear you had Bug telling BJ that he needed to get clean adn get his shit together, but the next thing we knoe he is giving BJ Mr. E's #.  Now, I'm assuming Bug didn't know the extent of what was going to go on (...then again, Mr. E seemed to be familiar with Bug so who knows), but at the very least he had to assume that drugs would be involved in some form or fashion.  I just felt like Bug's character changed too quickly from telling him he needed to get his life together to turning into a pimp.  Haha.

As far as the ending, I dug it.  Some others have mentioned some good ideas with the timing of the phone call from the Mr. Womack that you should at least consider, but even if you decide not to change, I think what you have works as well as it gets right to the heart of the story (i.e. that tomorrow is always the day someone is going to quit).

Anyway, thanks for the read, dude.  It flew by, and I enjoyed it.  Best of luck.

Craig

Thanks for the read, svsg1982.

Quoted from svsg1982 I think you should work on that as well because drug addicted actors are a dime a dozen story and it doesn't do this take on that idea any justice.

Couldn't agree more. Loglines are the bane of my existence. I hate writing them and I'm never any good at them. I'll try to come up with an improvement.

Craiger,

Thanks for the read, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Craiger6 The way that you dealt with BJ's dealer disappearing left me wondering if he was going to play a bigger part in the overall story, but we never hear from him again.  Just curious, what was his deal, cause' he seemed to disappear into thin air.  I guess that could just be part of the trippy vibe you have going on here, but I was curious.

The drug dealer was left over from an earlier version, which was going to climax with a shootout. I thought that was too obvious (drug scripts always have shootouts) so I dropped it, but I still wanted the dealer scene. Now it's just part of the tribby vibe, as you said. I usually put a moment in all my writing that could lead you to believe the whole thing is happening in the main character's mind. There's not really a reason for it, I just think it's cool.

Quoted from Craiger6 Also, the convo b/w Bug and BJ at the diner was a little contradictory for me.  I think someone already mentioned (E.D.?) that Bug mentions that BJ had a tough childhood, and yet we see him seemingly happy in the flashback, so I won't go into that.

That wasn't a flashback, it was a fantasy. B.J. is escaping into an idealised version of his childhood to sort of mitigate the horror of what's happening to him. What happens in his mind is probably nothing like what actually happened when he was younger. But even if it was, abusive relationships are complicated. Just because B.J. was abused as a child doesn't mean there weren't happy moments or that he didn't have love for his parents.

Quoted from Craiger6 The thing that jumped out at me was that hear you had Bug telling BJ that he needed to get clean adn get his shit together, but the next thing we knoe he is giving BJ Mr. E's #.  Now, I'm assuming Bug didn't know the extent of what was going to go on .....  I just felt like Bug's character changed too quickly from telling him he needed to get his life together to turning into a pimp.

Truth is, that was bad writing that I didn't catch until someone pointed it out to me. It's on my list of changes for my next draft. Bug will probably prove to be more sinister later on somehow. I haven't gotten it figured out yet, but I will address that in my next draft.

Thank you for the read and your kind words, and I apologise for my delayed response. I'm quite lazy.