The more I write, the more I question the way I do things. What I think is right, isn't right at all.

So I thought I'd post my query here and see what others think about it.



TINA DARLING

Screenplay by Cindy L. Keller

101 page Comedy


Logline: A loony girl loses and tries to get her job back even though she has been replaced by a sexy girl that her boss likes.

TINA DARLING works at a novelty company and her 5 year anniversary is approaching. She has a husband named JIMMY and a nit-picky mother named ALICE who has called to tell Tina she is coming for a two week visit. When Tina learns of her upcoming visit, she becomes pre-occupied and stressed. So stressed that she screws things up and has one of the worst weeks of her life.

If you liked I LOVE LUCY or LAVERN AND SHIRLEY, you'll like TINA DARLING.

A little about me, well, I have been writing screenplays for seven years now. I have amassed a total of three feature screenplays and many short scripts. I have two produced credits and have won and placed well in screenwriting contests.

May I send you the script for your consideration?

Cindy L. Keller

Hey Cindy,

I'm not one to say anything as I don't really have too much experience promoting my stuff at all, although I have had a few successful query letters...

But what I don't like doing with MY stuff is comparing it to other works, (like you compared yours to I Love Lucy and Laverne and Shirley) and trying to just let my work stand on its own.  I've seen a lot of advice in books addressing query letters saying for us to tell them what other movies are like ours, but I don't agree with it one bit.  You're telling what your story's about, let that person go from there what your story's like.

Like I said, I may be dead wrong in my feelings about it, I haven't sent a query letter in years, but when I did, I've had success with them, and I never compared my work to anything else.

And don't forget the E at the end of LAVERN!

- Mark

Cindy,

The first thing I would do is remove the "loses and" from the log - if she's trying to get her job back then we know she lost it, and it just reads a little cleaner this way...

I'm going to disagree in part with rc1107 because I've had success in comparing my work to other films - however I think you need to do it in a less bold fashion, because the way you have it worded now you state that just because people like these iconic shows they will like your project as well.

I would do something like "TINA DARLING is a madcap, slapstick romp, a homage to classic shows like 'I Love Lucy' and 'Laverne and Shirley', set in" then give a little about the setting - modern day or past, city, state, etc.

Also, have you thought about going after attachments first? It's very difficult to get reads when other projects are coming in with multiple attachments. I'd try to land a director first, since they would be your best advocate and they have a bit more impetus to read since their quote is pretty much governed by the DGA agreement so there's less haggling - with an agent you're going to get "when you're fully financed send us an offer with the script and we'll be happy to read"...

If not a director, look at some ADs perhaps who could make the jump. Or maybe even cast Tina in your head and go after that actress. With someone on board it would make it easier to get in other doors.

And as you add other elements to your project and you can fill up your query with them, I'd remove the synopsis and leave just the logline. Disreputable producers can steal your idea off a query if they're so inclined.

Good luck!

Anthony

I would start out with the logline, Cindy.  Grab their attention with that.  Leave the specs for later.

Maybe change the logline to:  A socially awkward and clumsy girl struggles to get her job back after replaced by a sexy girl that her boss likes.  Loony just doesn't do it for me.


Phil

...after her boss chooses to replace her with a sexier girl.

Just as long as no one gets more than they bargained for...

But, then, hilarity will ensue...

Wanna know what would really make hilarity ensue? We need us a good ol' "switching bodies" movie!

It's unprecedented!


Phil

And they could be identical twins, so you only need one actor!

Just from a production point of view, I'm going to mention some concerns I would have about the log line.

1. Not high concept enough. Might be better if we know where she worked...High Finance, Secret Service...whatever...the bigger the better.

This might be something worth correcting in the actual story as well.

2. Stakes seem a little low.

3. This is a very personal one, but the pitching of the "loony" vs the "sexy" girl doesn't feel right.

Dowdy vs Attractive
Loony vs Disgustingly sane/straight laced/competent...she can be devastatingly sexy as well of course.

Rick.

Cindy,

I'm gonna have to agree with Rick on this one.  But don't let that deter you too much!   Have you gotten any "professional" coverage for TD yet?  You might wanna give that a go, first.

http://screenplayreaders.com/
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-babzbuzz/m-1289010279/s-all/
http://wga.org/
http://www.blakesnyder.com/tools/

All the best

How about an ordinary girl, or something similar. A plain girl. Or just a girl who never catches a break.

Problem is, she has a husband, so things aren't that bad. Laverne and Shirley were always looking for the right guy. Lucy had Ricky, but that's a different kind of show.

Plus, these are sitcoms, your's is a movie. Is there a movie you can compare it to?

Is this mostly about the mother in law relationship? Maybe that should be more in the log.

Should the names of her husband and mother and law be in the description?

My knowledge of queries is less than limited, sorry if this doesn't help.

logline: Tina Darling , while dealing with a visit from her nit-picking mother in law, tries to fix her troubled marriage and regain the job she lost to a young beauty, but manages to only screw things up more than ever.

Just an idea.

I can simplify it even more:

"A loony girl attempts to recover her job from the sexpot that replaced her."

Which is a tad bland, so I would add more story elements - not sure if this is in the story, but something like this:

"A loony girl with family issues and an indifferent boyfriend attempts to recover her job from the sexpot that replaced her."

Having said all this, I suck at loglines, so there...

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Might be better if we know where she worked...High Finance, Secret Service...whatever...the bigger the better.

I usually agree with Rick, but not here, though I think maybe he might have just missed that detail.

I actually like the Novelty Shop angle -- and I think it speaks very favorably to the tone (and the budget) of your script as opposed to the other options Rick has put out there.

Off the cuff....I would say change "a loony girl" to "an eccentric novelty shop clerk", which also makes you wonder a bit about the sex-pot that stole her job....

Quoted from bert I usually agree with Rick, but not here, though I think maybe he might have just missed that detail. I actually like the Novelty Shop angle -- and I think it speaks very favorably to the tone (and the budget) of your script as opposed to the other options Rick has put out there. Off the cuff....I would say change "a loony girl" to "an eccentric novelty shop clerk", which also makes you wonder a bit about the sex-pot that stole her job....

Yes, I missed where she works. Don't know what a novelty shop is to be honest...but the loony thing seems to make sense if it's what I imagine...though I agree with you and Phil that an alternative would be better and  think the novelty shop should be mentioned in the log line.

As regards the general nature of my comments I'm just putting myself in the mindset of someone who's looking to fund a film.

Simple economics dictate that an agent needs to make money, therefore needs to sell the script for a certain amount to make her time worthwhile, the bigger amount someone would conceivably pay, the harder they'll work selling it, and the more likely they are to represent it,  the bigger the amount someone pays for the script, the bigger the budget of the film, the more money they'll need to recoup therefore the more marketable the concept needs to be.

If you look at something like Toys, you've got the old fashioned toys vs modern corporation marketing, tied in to a military theme. It's got the underdog story in there, the big stakes etc. It wasn't all that good, but the premise was sellable.

Like I say, they are just concerns..not related to the quality of the script...just the type of things an exec producer would mention.

If it's a lower budget, more personal piece, I think AJR's approach fits better.

Just my opinion.

Yeah, I think Rick's pushing the sellable aspect which will work better as bait for an agency or producer who receive this query; whereas bert is suggesting the novelty shop angle is more kitsch, quirky and ultimately indie - that does make a tougher sell via this medium, however. Having not read the script, it's hard to say what is more fitting, but the lads have drawn the distinction well.

I personally like Anthony's second suggestion minus the 'loony girl' which is a bit too up in the air.

Thank you all for the help.

I think I'll use bert's suggestion about the eccentric novelty shop clerk and maybe that she risks losing her job for the second time to spy on her boss when she notices his strange behavior.

I also like ajars madcap, slapstick romp, a homage to Lucy and Laverne...
Thanks again.

I have some work to do.

I hate loglines...

Cindy