Doomsday Diary by Harley Wolfe Jr. (hugh hoyland) - Short, Scifi, Horror -  After global devastation one man stands alone against what he believes are the Alien attackers. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hugh...

"he's" and not "hes."

"Waving" and not "Waiving"

John's dialogue, I believe you meant "Latter" instead of "later."

Just a few that stuck out.  Don't know what software program you use, but I'm sure there's a way to turn off the (CON'T).  I'd look into it.

This slug... INT.  SECURITY MONITOR... I'd consider changing it and the other one to.  If it were me I probably would have done it like this... ON SECURITY MONITOR:  Blah, blah, blah...ect.

The ending came as no surprise. It was pretty predictable.  I dunno...maybe that was your intention.  Some of the ending dialogue was a bit cliche, I thought.  I've read somewhat similar stories in the past and they all for the most part read the same.

I can't say I enjoyed this one much, but it was a solid effort.  But this is JMHO, others may like it.

Good Luck

Ghostie
  

I looked at this as it's the kind of story that I find interesting, aliens, end of world etc.  I don't post a lot, and only write a little myself but here's my thoughts if interested.

Ghostwriter22 pointed out a few things for you to look at.  So I'll go with my thoughts on the story.

I liked the concept of the idea, and sure seen or read something similar in the past, maybe many years ago, but don't matter as I enjoyed it.

The ending, was a little what I thought would be, and many in similar plots are.  Very 'Twilight Zone' kind of storylines.

For myself (and this is only my opinion or idea), being someone who enjoys a good twist at the end, which yours had a little, I may have gone with instead of aliens, maybe humans in some kind of protective suits, after maybe instead of an invasion, a bomb exploding and they are hunting for survivors to rescue.  He believed an invasion and caused himself mass hysteria about aliens, maybe radiation poisoning from the explosion slowly killing him and he sees aliens where as they are really humans in suits.

Unfortunately he dies just as they find him, or could have done where instead of them taking him, he decides to take his own life so shoots himself just as they break into his room so they can't experiment on him he believes is what they want, and they remove the suits as all clear now and show they are humans, and speak about how if they were a little quicker they could have saved him but it's too late and they move on for more survivors to be located.

Overall though, I did enjoy reading it so congrats on the story.

You really need to fix the spelling in this script. I found, like, five mistakes. And it did seem like John said "B-----d" too much.

Anyway, it was a good script. I especially liked the ending. Good job.

hey Hugh,

in the first page, you say john sits in a safe room, yet you've already included it in the slug. no need to say it twice.

no need to underline any dialogue on page 3. the reader gets the tone without them.

"I think I chose the latter" is grammatically incorrect and doesnt make sense given that he hasnt done anything yet. revise to "I think I'll choose the latter"

would remove the "damn" on page 5. ive always wondered how aliens curse in english. only a few curse words translate into other languages (roughly) amongst countries, let alone planets.

i liked the tension that you built up until the end. i like the fact that we have this guy in a safe house and he's peering into the unknown. however the ending really fell flat for me. the aliens ask why john shot at them. well how about his whole fucking planet was blown to pieces?! i found the ending to be kind of hokey and not very rewarding. not sure how you could fix it, given the script's length, but i would try something different. just try to do something different considering most other endings have been played out before.

i enjoyed your writing style and this one was a good attempt. if you rewrite it, let me know.

"Hugh..."

Hey Ghostie

"he's" and not "hes."

"Waving" and not "Waiving"

"John's dialogue, I believe you meant "Latter" instead of "later."

I'll check into those, its odd how you think you have it checked out as far as spelling ect goes and they creep back into the script after its posted lol.

"Just a few that stuck out.  Don't know what software program you use, but I'm sure there's a way to turn off the (CON'T).  I'd look into it."

Im sure this program has a setting to turn that off. Funny though, in almost all the screenplay themed books Ive read they say the (continued) should be there, dunno why.

"This slug... INT.  SECURITY MONITOR... I'd consider changing it and the other one to.  If it were me I probably would have done it like this... ON SECURITY MONITOR:  Blah, blah, blah...ect."

Yes that may be a better way to describe that.

"The ending came as no surprise. It was pretty predictable.  I dunno...maybe that was your intention.  Some of the ending dialogue was a bit cliche, I thought.  I've read somewhat similar stories in the past and they all for the most part read the same."

Right, there does seem to be a common theme to these types of stories. I like em though (Zombies, aliens and so on) :]

"I can't say I enjoyed this one much, but it was a solid effort.  But this is JMHO, others may like it."

Sorry you didnt dig it, but thats cool. Im glad you took the time to read it and write your thoughts on it. That rocks in my book and I intend to return the favor.

"Good Luck"

Thanks!

Ghostie

"Ghostwriter22 pointed out a few things for you to look at.  So I'll go with my thoughts on the story."

"I liked the concept of the idea, and sure seen or read something similar in the past, maybe many years ago, but don't matter as I enjoyed it."

Thanks! Yeah Im sure theres something similar out there, nothing new under the sun.

"The ending, was a little what I thought would be, and many in similar plots are.  Very 'Twilight Zone' kind of storylines."

I actually kind of got a TZ vibe myself from the ending. Maybe thats where some of the 'cliche" dialog came from.

"For myself (and this is only my opinion or idea), being someone who enjoys a good twist at the end, which yours had a little, I may have gone with instead of aliens, maybe humans in some kind of protective suits, after maybe instead of an invasion, a bomb exploding and they are hunting for survivors to rescue.  He believed an invasion and caused himself mass hysteria about aliens, maybe radiation poisoning from the explosion slowly killing him and he sees aliens where as they are really humans in suits.

Unfortunately he dies just as they find him, or could have done where instead of them taking him, he decides to take his own life so shoots himself just as they break into his room so they can't experiment on him he believes is what they want, and they remove the suits as all clear now and show they are humans, and speak about how if they were a little quicker they could have saved him but it's too late and they move on for more survivors to be located."

Cool concept! I could see that working as well and will give that some thought. But actually for some reason that sounds familer as well. lol

"Overall though, I did enjoy reading it so congrats on the story."

Im glad you enjoyed it, thanks so much! I'll return the favor asap.

"You really need to fix the spelling in this script. I found, like, five mistakes. And it did seem like John said "B-----d" too much.

Anyway, it was a good script. I especially liked the ending. Good job"

I'll check those mistakes for sure, dang their pesky things lol. I was going to have him say something a bit stronger but didnt.

But Im glad you thought it is good! Thanks for the read and will do the same.

"hey Hugh,"

Hey Albinopenguin!

"in the first page, you say john sits in a safe room, yet you've already included it in the slug. no need to say it twice."

Yes right on that one.

"no need to underline any dialogue on page 3. the reader gets the tone without them."

Okay. Yea I just thought it would add that extra zing lol

"would remove the "damn" on page 5. ive always wondered how aliens curse in english. only a few curse words translate into other languages (roughly) amongst countries, let alone planets."

I wondered the same. I wasnt really sure how they would talk period. Kind of went with what I felt was old pulp Sci-fi stuff.

"i liked the tension that you built up until the end. i like the fact that we have this guy in a safe house and he's peering into the unknown. however the ending really fell flat for me. the aliens ask why john shot at them. well how about his whole F**king planet was blown to pieces?! i found the ending to be kind of hokey and not very rewarding. not sure how you could fix it, given the script's length, but i would try something different. just try to do something different considering most other endings have been played out before."

I Will bounce ideas around about that for sure.

i enjoyed your writing style and this one was a good attempt. if you rewrite it, let me know.

Thanks for the complement and the read! I'll be doing the same asap.

Hello Hugh,

You're a fine contributor to the boards, so I thought I'd open this up.
I like the idea and camera confessional stories are a hot hand right now.
However, I'm gonna agree with Ghostie about the grammar.
There were several places where it really tripped me up.
Fortunately, that's an easy fix.

If your protag's dialog was less expository, it would help a lot.
Why doesn't he spend time talking about his family?
Where they somewhere else? Could they still be alive?
He could show the camera a picture.
Clinging to hope that whoever finds the video may know them.
Human moments like that really bring stories like this one to life for me.
Less explaining and more emoting always equals a compelling read for me.

Hope this help. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

P.S. Yay for liking zombies! :D

Hi
Just a few thoughts that came to mind when reading this, hope they will be of some use.

You show a picture of John's wife and daughter at the end, but you really mention nothing of his family.   I can see you were concentrating more on the concept than your character, but i think there's some room for more emotional engagement if you bring his family more into this, bring the photo in earlier, maybe them being dead will give him more to be angry about.

Your use of a camera worked like a V.O. , but visually you would be confined to a static shot of his face.  I didn't get an idea of who he was leaving this message for, a subject, say if he was leaving it for a loved one, would be more engaging.
However i can't help but feel that there may be a way to have told the story more visually without the video diaries.   I think people prefer to put things together themselves than to have everything spelled out to them.   The hair falling out and blood are self explanatory.  Maybe a newspaper article on his desk, a calendar with circled dates to show a passage of time, a CB radio for him to interact with.  

Overall it was an interesting story, a fun read, I didn't see the twist coming, but I feel the ending would have had more impact if I valued John's life more, and if I had a greater fear of the aliens prior to the ending.

Cheers, Leon

Hey Harley,

With all the Doomsday talk that's been going on lately, (I guess the numbnuts messed up the math so now it's supposed to be Oct. 21), I figured I'd check this one out.  (Actually, I opened the story up not even knowing and I was suprised to see it was you, as I said I'd be on the lookout for your next story.  What are the odds, huh?)

This one was just okay for me.  It had a little bit too much of a (cheesy) Twilight Zone thing going on.  I know you weren't going for cheesy, and I'm sorry to use that word, but really, the only thing that made the story cheesy for me was the subtitles for the aliens and their 'dialogue' from that point on.  I couldn't take the story seriously seeing that.

Otherwise, in the beginning, you have kind of a cool idea going on with a creepy atmosphere.  One thing, though.  At first you refer to the aliens as shadowy figures.  Right away, when I see shadowy figures, I think of men's shadows, so I had no idea I was supposed to be picturing creatures instead of humans, and you don't refer to them as creatures until a half page or so later.  Right away, we should know they're creatures.

Another thing is that I don't understand how John had survived.  He wasn't in his safe room, or bomb shelter, whenever the MASSIVE explosions with the MASSIVE mushroom clouds hit.  He was on the roads, just like everybody else who had died on impact.  Why was he magically the only one not obliterated from the (I'm guessing because he was getting sick) nuclear blasts?

Like I said, not too bad of an idea you have going here, just needs some logistics explanation and a better way for the aliens to communicate without using a device also used back in the 1950's.  Again, maybe you were going for that kind of cheesy feel, but based on the beginning and middle with the heavy drama and him dying, I don't think it was your intention to be cheesy.

Hope this helps a little.

- Mark

"Hello Hugh,"

Hi Electric Dreamer

"You're a fine contributor to the boards, so I thought I'd open this up.
I like the idea and camera confessional stories are a hot hand right now.
However, I'm gonna agree with Ghostie about the grammar.
There were several places where it really tripped me up.
Fortunately, that's an easy fix."

Thanks! yeah the grammar's got to be fixed for sure.


"If your protag's dialog was less expository, it would help a lot.
Why doesn't he spend time talking about his family?
Where they somewhere else? Could they still be alive?
He could show the camera a picture.
Clinging to hope that whoever finds the video may know them.
Human moments like that really bring stories like this one to life for me.
Less explaining and more emoting always equals a compelling read for me."

Wow, that could add more emotional depth for sure, I'll keep that in mind!

"Hope this help. Keep writing and rewriting!"

Regards,
E.D.

P.S. Yay for liking zombies! "

You bet E.D. and I'll take a look at the Zombie Playground script you have up.:]

"Hi"

Hi LeonAria


"You show a picture of John's wife and daughter at the end, but you really mention nothing of his family.   I can see you were concentrating more on the concept than your character, but i think there's some room for more emotional engagement if you bring his family more into this, bring the photo in earlier, maybe them being dead will give him more to be angry about."

I thought about that as well. But I had the idea of this being a fairly short, short from the start so I didnt go there much. Maybe if I expand it in a future rewrite I will.

"Your use of a camera worked like a V.O. , but visually you would be confined to a static shot of his face.  I didn't get an idea of who he was leaving this message for, a subject, say if he was leaving it for a loved one, would be more engaging.
However i can't help but feel that there may be a way to have told the story more visually without the video diaries.   I think people prefer to put things together themselves than to have everything spelled out to them.   The hair falling out and blood are self explanatory.  Maybe a newspaper article on his desk, a calendar with circled dates to show a passage of time, a CB radio for him to interact with."  

I hear you there and totaly know what you mean, movies are of course a visual medium. I know this may sound bad, but sometimes I actually feel like spelling it out for the reader lol. Mayby thats something someone new to the art out grows as they continue to learn.

"Overall it was an interesting story, a fun read, I didn't see the twist coming, but I feel the ending would have had more impact if I valued John's life more, and if I had a greater fear of the aliens prior to the ending."

Thanks so much for the read and complement! I will of course read something of yours as well in return for taking the time here. :]

Man, I've got a lot of reading to do! lol But its all good.

Cheers, Leon

"Hey Harley,"

Hey Mark!


"This one was just okay for me.  It had a little bit too much of a (cheesy) Twilight Zone thing going on.  I know you weren't going for cheesy, and I'm sorry to use that word, but really, the only thing that made the story cheesy for me was the subtitles for the aliens and their 'dialogue' from that point on.  I couldn't take the story seriously seeing that."

Your right, I really wasnt going for the cheesy vibe here. I dont know if my problem lies in the fact that a lot of the stuff Im influenced by is the Pulp Sci-Fi of the 30's, 40's and 50's. That stuff very often could have a cheesy vibe to it. But I just cant help it cause I love it lol.

Either way I hear you "Keep it real and down to earth" (good advice). Thanks for reading this and as you know I've got several of your scripts on my to read list asap. :]



- Mark