You Betcha by Diane Holechek - Short, Action - All of a sudden, Ritchie got old.  And he's got a cough.  And maybe he's got no game. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

I honestly didn't follow this.  I got the beginning; guy needs some prescription pills and they're ridiculously expensive because the insurance companies are all scam artists.  Got it.  But then this just was seemingly all over the place and I honestly couldn't tell you what was going on.  

Otis cracked me up, though.

It seemed like this was a rat race kinda thing with all the characters and stuff going on but for me it was just all over the place.  

Sorry.

Greg

Sorry, but this is pretty bad.  No clue what's supposed to be going on or how this even possibly or remotely qualifies as an action script.

The writing is extremely hard to follow, but also very irritating with all the sentences missing "a" and "the".  It just has a terrible feel to it, because of this.

Also, really disliked how so many characters were not even named.  Again, it just gave this a really poor read quality.

I'm sorry, but I have literally nothing positive to say here at all.

Did you also write Gen? Got the same vibe from this one, which means it was indeed hard to follow with what was written.

Read more like a 'thriller' than action, if that makes sense. That would be nitpicking though.

I'd say go through this again, a much needed second draft should help clean things up, get a stronger story going and will hopefully make the script read better.

Well this did fit the requirements of the challenge, so you did a good job there, saying that, this was kind of a mess, kinda had the same feel as John Q at first.

RECEPTIONIST
Poor Ritchie. He's your brother?
STEVE
In law.
RECEPTIONIST
Oh, that's not so bad, then.

i dun think any receptionist would ever say that, not in a million years.

this was pretty hard to follow with the clunky writing.

At least you finished the challenge, and you do deserve credit for that.

YOU BETCHA

Action: Okay.
Low budget: Piano movers, ambulance

Drug rules seemed strange. Free as long as there's chance of survival? Whatever. It's okay to tell us why the old man is dying. The dialogue is cryptic. There's a seed of an interesting story: Old sick terminally ill guy witnesses a senseless killing of a woman

When the title page has copyrite on it, I will  have some pause. Luckily, I didn't really see that many spelling errors- and unlike some, I am rather lenient on the lack of "a" and "the". It depends on how it is done...and in this case, not well. Otis intro (a large man) for example. In addition, while some dialog may skip and use improper grammar (note: Babz Buzz has a little section on this in the recent podcast) folks would still say "an anti-biotic" instead of "I need antibiotic" or something to that effect.

What bugged me is character names by profession early on. Heck, nobody even calls the Doctor by his title and last name. I also felt a bit lost near the end, and I failed to see any buildup to action.

Quoted from The boy who could fly RECEPTIONIST Poor Ritchie. He's your brother? STEVE In law. RECEPTIONIST Oh, that's not so bad, then. i dun think any receptionist would ever say that, not in a million years.

True, but the joke made me smile a little... but it all went to hell from there. I didn't follow this, at all. Something about some old men turning into action stars for drugs?? Am I  close?

Sorry. There isn't a coherent story, or character for that matter, in this.

Don't mean to be harsh... but this is a mess. I know it's only for the OWC, but I got tired of having to re-read every other line.

i.e.:

Quoted Text RITCHIE You're a better 'en than I -- INT. SIXTH FLOOR HALLWAY Elevator stops, Otis jolts the gate up, Jo-Jo, Steve and Ritchie push the piano out and down the hall. RITCHIE -- Donkey Kong. Otis descends with the elevator.

I threw in the towel on page 6.

#13 You Betcha -
All of a sudden, Ritchie got old.  And he's got a cough.  And maybe he's got no game. 12 pages.

Format: Perfect - Good -  Close Enough
Notes: Pg 6 Using Off Screen (O.S.) where Voice Over (V.O.) should be used. Pg 8 Turn off your program's character (CONT'D) feature. We're smart enough to figure that out, thank you. pg 9 " Skylight opens, suddenly, more PARAMEDICS and POLICE descend
through it -- Jo-Jo and stretcher lift up through the roof" Uh... I have no idea WTH just happened.
Action: H3ll, Yeah! - Pretty Good - Eventually - Needs More - Other: Um... yeah. I didn't notice the action part.
Breakdown: See above remark. That was ten pages and the only action was a kid running, falling, then getting punched and kicked in the head. Didn't exactly make my palms get al perspirey.

Budget Considerations:
Locations - Doctor's office interior, Apartment exterior + lobby + hallway + room, regular + freight elevators,
Props - Patient's chart, prescription pad, out of service sign, upright piano on casters, Jo-jo's half glasses, sparse apartment furnishings incl. couch & chair, small medical equipment about, blanket, pillow, pistol, fake blood, paramedic tackle boxes x2, meds blister pack, collapsible paramedic stretcher,
Costumes -  Doctor's lab coat, receptionist scrubs, Otis outfit, Jo-jo's dress, paramedic uniforms, police uniforms x 2
Vehicles - Steve's car
Actors - Steve, Receptionist, Doctor, Ritchie, Otis, Jo-jo, Nasty Kid, Paramedics x2, Police x2
SFX - Jo-jo bleeding
Other - car mount camera rig, muffled piano music sounds

Budget Guesstimate:  I dunno.  I didn't come prepared for this.
What I like: Otis the elevator operator. HA! Pretty d@mn funny.
What I'd change: Add action to the action short?
How I envision this looking: Miserable? Watching a couple of poor old farts have a series of events isn't exactly ACTION! (Maybe if I was an old fart this would be pretty harrowing. Maybe).
What I'd like to know from the writer: Have you considered letting Ritchie let loose some kung-fu onto the nasty kid? How about Ritchie let's loose some mischievous evil demons from his infected lung portal to the underworld? Make everyone a 28 DAYS/WEEKS LATER zombies?

Missed this one somehow!  Diane Holechek, Chuck Norris' wife!

As I go:

Page 3:  The dialogue is interesting in this one.  Has a nice comedic flavour.  Kinda wondering if there's action coming now though.

Page 5:  Ha!  Nice.  Donkey Kong.

Thoughts:

Aroo?

No attempt at action.  That's weak, yo.  Pretty entertaining script with a nice classic quality to it -- feels like one of those sequences in an 80s movie where old Jewish men talk schtickily to each other while Jewish-sounding music plays in the background.  Like Moonstruck, ya know?  Or the credit sequence of Snatch.  I'm guessing this one was written by a woman.  I don't know.  I don't really feel like saying a lot because the writer didn't really feel like writing an action script.  It's entertaining enough and I think the core idea, as described by Gary above, is pretty worthwhile.  I just don't really understand how all of the elements fit together.  What does the sickness have to do with the rest of the story?  The Mayor?

Thanks for the fun read and congrats on writing for the OWC!

Just didn't get this one.  The story had quite a few odd elements that never quite came together to form a coherent story.  The lack of focus made it hard for me to understand what was going on here.  Bit of a meh for me.

This one left me very confused - I mean, what's going on!?? I have no idea what a guy who has a cough for 6 pages, a kid with a shot gun and a panio lady have to do with action or how it all ties in?

Diane,

I had a hard time following this one.
I didn't feel the rivalry/conflict of the theme.
The budget constraint was addressed somewhat at least.

I couldn't figure out your story after we left the doctor's office.
You get the award for rudest receptionist ever though.

This felt like a a Coyote/Roadrunner cartoon mixed with My Dinner with Andre.
It couldn't decide if it wanted to hit you over the head or talk you into the ground.
Was there a story here? I couldn't figure it out.

It's cool you participated in the OWC, but I couldn't discern your plot. Sorry.
Thanks for playing though.

Regards,
E.D.

You're asking me to put together a puzzle and not giving me all the pieces.

Why on earth --? Whatever happened to just -? I always find it annoying to see the --. Moot point, aside...

If you had asked PTA to write just a few pages of Punch-Drunk Love in a week, I imagine he'd have turned something as convoluted as this and been comfortable enough within himself to know how it all turns out in his head. I'm torn between this being written by someone who is more director than writer, and someone having just written something off the cuff for a laugh. I agree with Gary that there is a seed of something here but no fertiliser.

The single biggest disappointment, however, would be the dialogue. Had you written the exact same script with great dialogue, you may have gotten away with the other glaring problems to an extent.

Very interested to see who wrote this one.

Ritchie gets up from the chair, hurries to the door.
INT. SIXTH FLOOR HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
NASTY KID (19), waves a gun, pushes by, races down the stairs.
Near the piano, Jo-Jo slides to the floor.
Ritchie, coughing, runs toward her, shouts into his phone

It takes an awfully sedentary sort of person to think of that as "action", but I guess I am because I was rooting for Ritchie from that point on.  Funny, too.