Colijah and Eustis VS The Redneck Zombies by Jeremy S. Noe - Short, Horror, Comedy - Colijah and Eustis, long time friends, take it upon themselves to protect the town of Rolling Hills, TN from flesh craving zombies, awakened after teens looking for a "unique" place to get high disturb the remains of an ancient Native American Shaman. 2 pages - pdf, format 8)

Colijah and Eustis and the Shamans Curse trailer 2 by Jeremy S. Noe - Short, Horror, Comedy - Four friends accidentally unleash an ancient Native American Shamans curse, which turns them into flesh craving zombies. They go on a feeding frenzy in the tiny mountain town of Rolling Hills, TN, turning the townsfolk into flesh eaters as well, but two elderly friends take it upon themselves to defend the town and destroy the Shamans curse. *This is the second trailer written for the feature that's in the works. I changed the title, which may change again later on*  6 pages - pdf, format 8)

What?

I can only assume this is a teaser of something bigger you have. Half the stuff you mention in your logline never appear in this short.

I like the idea behind it, elderly vs zombies. The battle between two slow walking entities. Great bits for comedy there. City of Rott is a flash animation about an old man with a walker battling zombies.

I hope this is merely a teaser, if it is, I would suggest expanding it to a 5 page teaser. I got no sense of comedy here, just two old people, some Korean people and tons of zombies. You leave the reader hanging before all the good stuff happens. You have to give them a little bit of meat before the main course.

The premise intrigues me enough to want to read a feature, this short doesn't.

Agreed. My issue, though, is with the dialog. Does a 70 year old man from TN say "apparently"?  The dialog doesn't sound like the characters, it sounds like the author to me.

Example:
This has got to be the hottest day so far.

Might be more believable as: Eustis, I dun'known you for how long now? And I swear this here is the hottest day I aint lived through, yet. Damn if it seems like it's getting hotter every year...

Eustis
Ya blood dun'got thick. You a old man now partner.
(laughter. Pause)
Sigh of the times...sign of the times.

I guess I'm saying that the dialog as written conveys no real relationship between them, doesn't indicate their age (except for phrases like old timer) nor their geogrphical location. Re-read it and youll notice that these two dudes could've been college dudes at Cozumel for spring break.

I'm assuming this is a piece of something larger but regardless, I'd suggest becoming these characters as you write them. 70 year old Tenesseeans don't talk this way and further, white and black Teneseeans, especially of that age, have very different dialects.

Side note: when kwang comes out of the store, rather than (heavily accented) "what can I get you guys" (does a 65 year old Korean man say this?) how about a heavily accented, "what? What you want?" (which in my mind I can "hear" more realistically than the other).

Become the character you're writing dialog for or every character will sound like some slight variation of yourself.

Drawn in by the intriguing title, I quickly (2 pages) discovered that there is nothing whatsoever by which to justify calling these zombies "rednecks".

If you select a catchy title that implies a fresh spin on the genre, you are then obligated to deliver, or your readers will be left disappointed, feeling duped.

Even if this is supposed to be a teaser(?) meant to generate interest, you still need to inject something into those pages to set yourself apart.

Your logline sounded interesting, so I decided to read your script. I read it, and was disappointed. The logline had a story, but your script did not. Is it going to be part of something bigger?

Also, some of your dialogue was off. I think the other replies have already pointed this out, so I won't go there.

My advice would be to add some to your script, explain how the teens became zombies, who wins the fight, etc.

I had to open this up due to being a fan of the "Redneck Zombie" film that Troma put out back in the day.

It's bit of a shame that the redneck nature of these walking cadavers isn't brought to the readers attention. I actually smiled at the image of two old timers sitting on a porch and being unfazed by the walking dead. Then, after the Korean guy does that quirky panicked thing that all Asian people tend to (only in Western movies, it seems)...it sadly ends when it just starts.

Which is a shame. I was looking forward to seeing what happened.

P.S. Loose the bold font. No need.

yawn. we've seen this all before (probably more in video games than movies however). like my fellow posters, I, too, was disappointed in the fact that there was nothing redneck about the "redneck zombies." hell, some of em could have been dressed up as KKK members and you could have turned the whole zombie/minority metaphor up on its head.

i like what you have here, but its simply not enough.

oh and make sure to space your action. its a little too clumpy as it stands now.

Sorry y'all. I just got the email today that it was up. Yeah, it's a trailer I wrote for the film. I plan on writing at least two more for it. As for the script itself, I'm on page twelve. Unfortunately with my work schedule and other obligations, I don't have the time I'd like to actually sit down to write.
Again, sorry for the confusion.  

Great suggestions from everyone by the way. Everything will be taken into consideration, especially the concerns about the dialog. It's strange though, there's a gas station near my home that's owned and operated by Koreans and they all speak English fluently. The only one who doesn't is the grandfather who just sits behind the counter and yells at the help in Korean. That to me is funny and will be included in the script.
Yep, another teaser will be written with changes. Y'all keep your shorts on!
I didn't want to make Eustis the typical hillbilly. I kind of wanted to shatter the mold. He may have the look, but he's actually a pretty smart codger. Colijah is another one that I didn't want to design using the common stereotypes. As you will see when the script is completed, if I do the two charcters justice, will be two characters that you can get behind.
Of course, your suggestions and critiques need to keep flowing too! They help me hone the craft :)

I'm going to try and have a second teaser written this afternoon and submitted by the end of the night. Hopefully it will have a bit more detail so there will be no confusion. I'm also thinking about changing the title.  

I have completed the second trailer. There's much more content and it's under a new title. I hope that this time it all fits. I didn't do a lot to the dialog other than Kwangs. I'm only eleven pages into the actaul script so I'm just going to write it full on as time permits, and then do all of the editing. Keep the critiques coming y'all. They really do help.

I liked the title but the logline was so long that I almost got bored reading that and almost didn't even make it to the script.  I do think it has potential as an idea though, but it's going to need to be completely rewritten.

Here's a trick I learned from reading Save The Cat, which I highly recommend.  Take your dialogue and cover up the names and see if you can tell who is talking.  If you can't then your dialogue is all the same.  In this case, you fail that ever important task.  Aside from that, it's not interesting.  There's nothing that makes the way they talk to each other worthy of being told in a story.

I agree Kristian. For some reason, the dialog for this script is giving me fits. I just can't seem to make it fit. I've shelved this script for the time being and I'm going to concentrate on writing some short films, just for the practise. Also, I recognize that my logline was a bit long. I have to work on that as well. I've submitted a short that should be up in a few more days. Be sure to check it out and tell me what you think.