Hell-Bound by Jimmy McCombs - Short -  Detective Richards faces the worst of the worst regulary and this is the monster of the moment. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi:) I'm sorry to say I'm not loving this. First of all, I really don't know what story you wanted to tell - that of the demon, the girls or the detective. Secondly and probably more obvious, there's so much of this that is totally unfilmable and needs to be cut. The back story, the inner thoughts, the reasons for people doing things. It's all telling, not showing. Maybe doable for novels, suicide for screenplays.

Oh and I thought the supernatural bits were a bit much.

Still, I'd love to see the rewrite. Good luck:)

Rdhay hit the nail on the head with a lot of the problems.

I would also just like to add that the script felt bulky to me. The description were bunched up in paragraphs when they should read a bit more smoother and spaced out. A clunky read turns off the reader.

"like broken store mannequins waiting to be dressed."   Best line.  Outside of that, you should try writing comic books instead...  

Your logline didn't sound good but I gave this a read anyhow.

Right off the paragraphs are too chunky.

Your Deranged (character) isn't properly introduced. I'm not sure right off if this demon is a person posessed or some kind of monster

Repeatedly, I noticed things you said that don't show visually but just tell;
"He's angry about the world"
"as they believe there are women inside"
"he will take everyone to the grave"
"the veteran detective can't handle this"

Dialogue is on the nose...it doesn't sound real for your characters.

This needs a lot of work. Keep working, and personally, I've learned a lot by reading in here.....

i hate to say this, but i literally "LOL'd" at the end of this. A group of high school church girls? Who cares? And why were they all naked? And why does this revelation cause the veteran detective to lose his shit?

Then again, maybe they were all engaging in premarital lesbian sex so god allowed a demon to execute them for their sins.

The biggest problem with this script is too many unfilmables. show us. dont tell.