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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Have You Registered To Vote?
Posted by: Don, June 29th, 2011, 7:09pm
Have You Registered to Vote? by Will Ball (albinopenguin) - Short - A comedic sketch about the pressure to vote and the lengths one man will take to get another to register. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: albinopenguin, June 29th, 2011, 7:54pm; Reply: 1
thanks Don. i actually filmed this a while back (with no script). i recently downloaded celtx and needed something easy to write. so the main objective of this was to write a sketch that was easy to film, mildly entertaining, and very very simple.
Posted by: jwent6688, June 29th, 2011, 7:59pm; Reply: 2
Will,

I may stop reading your stuff because I feel as though I'm being hard on you. This was just a skit for me and i didn't get any laughs. Seemed very rushed and not well thought out. Just an annoying guy popping up every where this cat goes. And your punchline? "What party?" just didn't work.

I think your main character needs a solid reason not to vote. Then, after this recruiter shows up in all these strange places, show us that he's part of his subconscious. Otherwise, to me, it's just strange...

James
Posted by: TheSecond, June 29th, 2011, 10:56pm; Reply: 3
I laughed out loud - naked stranger in the shower is always funny.  Contact moveon, this would be a great :60 for them.
Posted by: albinopenguin, June 29th, 2011, 11:37pm; Reply: 4
0 and 2? oh my god James, I'm starting to doubt myself because of you haha jk jk. i was inspired to write this short during the 2008 election. there were voting recruiters on every street corner, bugging you to register. however most of these recruiters were democrats and scoffed at those who registered with a different party (mind you, I live in philly). so i wanted to embody this idea in my script without criticizing democrats (because that's not the point of this script and i certainly dont want to alienate anyone with this sketch). i'm intrigued and tempted by your idea to give the characters some depth. but i want to keep it simple. furthermore, do you think it would still make sense if the recruiter asked "have you voted yet?" and then at the end, said "you voted for the wrong person?" this avenue gets the message across clearer yet might be more confusing since people vote in booths. thoughts? i bring this up NOT to debate your opinion. in fact, i'm asking for your thoughts because i greatly respect it.

the TS! glad you enjoyed it. i will certainly investigate. i dont know who moveon is, but I'll look into it. thanks for the tip!
Posted by: TheUsualSuspect, June 30th, 2011, 12:04am; Reply: 5
The punch line at the end is weak in my opinion, saw it coming after he started showing up at his house.

For a skit that's like one or two minutes, it works. I didn't laugh very much, but I think you can find an audience and with the right people doing the parts.
Posted by: A2n2t, July 1st, 2011, 5:32am; Reply: 6
A good commercial at best.
Posted by: A2n2t, July 1st, 2011, 5:45am; Reply: 7
BTW Celtx FTW
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), July 1st, 2011, 10:46am; Reply: 8
Sorry, Will, but not for me again at all.  It may be funny once or twice, but you're just beating it over our heads, much like that cell message script.  It's just exactly the same thing again and again.

And, like that other script of yours, you have ZERO description for any of your scenes.  You're going for strictly dialogue based humor and entertainment and I don't see it.

Wish I could be more positive, but I didn't find it funny at all, and actually, I was annoyed.
Posted by: albinopenguin, July 6th, 2011, 4:29pm; Reply: 9
thanks for the reads guys. once again, greatly appreciated. like i said before, this is a REALLY simple script that was originally intended for a quick college project. the final result was fun and good enough for the class.

i definitely see where you're coming from dreamscale. for me, descriptions werent really needed for this one. since it was a basic sketch, i figured it didnt matter what James' living room looked liked or how many people were out in the city streets. it could be almost any hallway or bathroom, and the sketch would work. i also didnt want to write too many descriptors because i want anyone with a camera to be able to film this. do you suggest that i develop the surrounding scenery? im not trying to come across as combatant, but rather inquisitive. because i could develop the sketch to say a lot more by adding more vivid descriptions. however, i dont want to offend anyone (in this script anyways). but i dont want to add descriptions if they dont add to the script or its punchline. then it would just be bloated script with a disappointing payoff.
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), July 6th, 2011, 5:12pm; Reply: 10
Hey Will, IMO, there's a big difference to alot of description and absolutely no description.

It's always a fine line but it's a line you have to cross.

I guess for me, it just wasn't funny...maybe the first 2 times, mildly amusing, but it just went on and on and the 3 pages felt more like 5 or 6 pages.
Posted by: albinopenguin, July 6th, 2011, 5:20pm; Reply: 11
i gotchya. to be honest, im still trying to find that balance as writer. sometimes i feel as though i write too much, and others too little. i actually might cut a scene to make it more concise.
Posted by: Branzig Rubenburg, September 5th, 2011, 9:33pm; Reply: 12
Some might say that this is a little cliche, but it kept my attention.  The script was the perfect length for this type of story.  It was funny throughout and I could picture Brendan popping up out of nowhere in all of these places.  Keep up the good work!
Posted by: albinopenguin, September 5th, 2011, 10:57pm; Reply: 13
hey Branzig! thanks for the read. as previously mentioned, this was a bit of a "fluff" piece for me. had to make a short film in college for some bullshit class, so i filmed this (and then wrote the script). i sincerely hope I've improved since then haha

thanks again man. let me know when you throw something onto the site so i can return the favor.
Posted by: Electric Dreamer, September 6th, 2011, 11:57am; Reply: 14
Hey Will,

Good on your for filming this for yourself.
Opening slug would benefit from some detail.
EXT. PHILADELPHIA - DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY, would work, IMO.

As mentioned before, the slugs are super sparse.
I guess that's because you shot this before you wrote the script.
This feels more like a PSA than a skit or short subject.
Though the party thing at the end is more skittish. ;D

Got a link to the film?

Regards,
E.D.
Posted by: Elmer, September 6th, 2011, 5:57pm; Reply: 15
I enjoy sketch comedy and I thought this was pretty amusing. Not quite TV-worthy, but this would definitely work as a YouTube viral comedy video or something along those lines.

I didn't think 3 pages was too long because it does what it's supposed to. It makes it funnier and builds up to a solid punch line.

Nice job dude.
Posted by: Inquiringmind, September 7th, 2011, 9:49am; Reply: 16
Will WT*? Why?

This script was too short to be any good. The gags were obvious, and the brendan character is obviously not human. I'm going to suspend my belief that he can just pop up any where because?

It would be kind of funny if he had a worm hole in his pocket that he just slap against the wall when he needed to stalk people.

The last part is random. It would work if you he had another party's logo on him some where.

This is an easy short to shoot, so I get why you made it, but I expect better things from you next time.

Happy writing
Posted by: albinopenguin, September 7th, 2011, 11:56am; Reply: 17
hey ED, thanks so much for the tips and read! yeah this isnt my best work and i'll be the first to admit it. i actually wrote the script because i just downloaded celtx and needed something easy to write (and basically already written). haha well here's the thing about the film. i wasnt allowed to use lighting/sound equipment for the project. so it looks like utter shit. in addition, one of our fellow posters starred in the film (I'll give you a hint, his last name is mcclung haha). simply put, he was awesome. such a trooper and even though he doesnt consider himself to be an actor, he gave it his all. the dynamic between him and the japanese exchange student that played brendan worked out REALLY well (the fact that he was japanese made it funnier). but since james is in it, i'd feel bad posting it (not because of his performance, but because of how awful the short looks haha). but really, thanks for the read as always.

and thanks elmer! let me know if and when i can return the favor. youtube was exactly what i was aiming for.

and i appreciate the read as well IM. same as elmer. and to be honest, i completely see what you're saying. my other work is SO much better than this short. as previously stated, it was just a reason to experiment with celtx. furthermore, i think this script works MUCH better on film than on paper (when usually its the other way around). the reader has to suspend every sense of logic in order to understand what's going on. so naturally, its going to trip people up (not your fault, but rather mine). thanks man!
Posted by: bert, September 7th, 2011, 12:20pm; Reply: 18
Has anybody mentioned to you yet how this script is really just a retro-fitted "Green Eggs and Ham"?

That's the way it read to me, anyway.

I do not mean that as a bad thing.  The payoff is weak, but the set-up was pretty sound.
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