Balance by Christopher West (thesecond) - Short, Thriller - The line between good and bad isn't as clear as we hope.  5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Lose cut to:

Lose continued at top and bottom of pages.

You have a fade in at the start, but no fade out.

Some slugs are missing some things. "INT. BAD KID BEDROOM MORNING"  Throw in those dashes you have on others.

Lose the ing ending words, write in the present.

This is a visual piece, next to no dialogue, except from the 'bad kid'. I would give people names. Bad Kid gives an automatic disconnect from the reader to the character.

Thanks again.  This is a true story.  I was the Boy...  The Bad Kid was the worst in the neighborhood, and eventually went to prison for murder... spooky.

I'll get it cleaned up.  

This needs a bit of work.  I would get rid of the (continued) on the bottom of each page.  Many of the sentences feel too long.  There's way too many commas in a lot of these directions.  Re-word and shorten up the sentences.  Like the guy above me has already said, give your characters names.  Other than that this was good.  It was cool how you didn't focus on dialogue for the most part.

Hey Chris,

My feelings about this one are on par with The Verdict.
Very visual, but verb tense issues throughout.
Again I sense this has more meaning to you than conveyed to the reader.
I like the eye for detail, but looking for more story.

Regards,
E.D.

hey Chris,

not a bad script, but forgettable IMO. i was hoping for something a bit more substantial, yet this script works on a smaller scale. as two posters already mentioned, name your characters.

also i would make the boy a bit older. 4 seems really really young to be going fishing. then again, if this is a true story then i guess it's plausible.

overall? an enjoyable, but typical read. not breaking any new ground here but that probably wasnt you're goal from the start.

Hi - yeah, I quite liked this. Unfortunately I read it after reading your comments, so that may well have coloured my perception. I agree that the commas were too distracting - small things stick out when everything else is good. Story felt like it was told with sensitivity, and I don't think it was over-crowded. Some of the descriptions were very nice, summed things up well, gave me a good clear picture. Ending was more powerful knowing that the guy went to prison, but how do you factor that in? Plus... it's a true story...? Did you somehow manage to spy his bedroom too..?

Hi Chris,

I liked it. I thought you should have given the characters names. I think it gives the reader a better emotional investment in the story. IMO five pages didn't develope the story line enough. Overall, it was a quick and enjoyable read.

Peter

Hey Christopher,

I read through a few of the comments, and I’m going to disagree with everyone on one thing: don’t name your characters. If films like Wind Chill and Antichrist can pull off no-name characters for two hours, there’s no reason your five-minute short can’t do the same. If this were filmed, would we even notice the names? Answer is, probably not.

Your descriptions are great. I especially liked: “Slamming the door just as hard, the Dad exits, as the Bad Kid holds his arm straight out giving his middle finger a sturdy ballast to fly from.” On this note, notice the comma after “exits.” It’s not necessary. There are several of these throughout your script that can and should be removed. Just glance through it.

I really enjoyed the end of this. Judging by your account of this being a true story based on a kid who is later incarcerated for murder, it makes you wonder what he plans to do with all of those stolen goods.

Nice job!

Chris

Thanks to all for the read and the comments, much appreciated.  As for the names, I tend to lean with Chris, it wasn't until I read the Anti-Christ script that I thought not naming characters was cool...  

This really did happen, as close to the story as I can remember - except the steal my fishing pole part.  I was 4 when it happened and I can still see the bubbles rising in front of me after I fell in the water.  

Anyways...  I've rewritten the story to go a tad deeper into the life of the bad kid.  I've even given him a name!  How's that for a compromise.  So instead of stealing the fishing pole, he pulls the pole out of the water to reveal that the boy did in fact catch the fish!  

Everyone loves a happy ending...  Thanks again!