Surprise Visitor by Marvin K. Perkin - Short, Action, Adventure - Elijah Johnson makes a deal but finds he can't live up to his side of he bargain, until a surprise vistor shows up and convinces him otherwise.  16 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Marvin, I’ve seen you reading and providing feedback, so it’s only fair you get some yourself.  I wish I could be more positive here, but I’m sorry to say I can’t.  IMO this is pretty bad in many ways.  I don’t mean to be harsh and do want to help, so here goes…

First off, as a side note, your last name is missing the “s” on the thread itself, so you may want to let Don know.

On another side note, I see the PDF was created 9/19/10, meaning it’s been sitting around, untouched for almost a year.  For the amount of simple mistakes present throughout, this is lazy, and IMO, inexcusable.

Get rid of the “CONTINUED” on the top and bottom of every page – Absolutely no reason for these.

Biggest issues for me are as follow…

Totally cliché plot and storyline that brings nothing new or even interesting to this premise (except for the whacky, out of left field ending, which doesn’t work either).  If you’re really going to write a 14 page script about someone selling their soul to the Devil, you better bring something new to the table.  Not only didn’t you do that, but your choice of scenes is just so dull and uneventful.  Shockingly so, actually.  Pages of mundane dialogue with absolutely nothing taking place onscreen.  Also so many mundane actions being described and shown.  Just doesn’t work as a written piece or especially a filmed piece.

Overwriting details that don’t matter at all.  In certain circumstances, this can easily be forgiven, but not here, I’m afraid.  You’ve probably got close to 2 pages of completely wasted lines that go nowhere and add nothing.

Flat, dull, unengaging characters, who come off as cartoons.  Totally unrealistic.

Very poor dialogue throughout, highlighted by the fact that both lead characters constantly talk out loud to themselves for some odd reason.  Very irritating and just completely unrealistic again.

Completely baffling tone going on throughout.  I have to believe this is meant to be a comedy, but it’s not quite clear either.  For me, it wasn’t funny at all, even though it seemed to be trying to be.

Completely unbelievable action going on throughout.  Again, if this is indeed meant to be a zany comedy, it makes more sense, but since it’s not funny (to me), everything just comes off as shockingly inept.   The 2 interview scenes in particular are just ludicrous.  But the premise itself is also a real head scratcher – why would a successful guy agree to sell his soul to find love for 1 frickin’ month?  1 month?  If he’s so rich, he can spend a couple thousand dollars and be hooked up with a babe for a month.

So there it is. IMO, there really isn’t anything here to salvage, sorry to say.  But going forward, you need to set a tone and stay with it…and make it clear what it is.  Cut down on your over describing things that don’t require it.  Cut WAY down on your writing of mundane actions that don’t need to be addressed.  Try and create unique characters that are engaging.  Try to come up with a premise that is new, or at least different in some ways.  Try and stay under 12 pages for a short.

I’m interested to see what others have to say.  Hopefully this bump will light a fire under some asses and get them reading.

Hope this helps and makes sense and I apologize if it comes off as too harsh.  Take care.

Dreamscale thanks for your comments. I appreciate them very much. The reason it looked like this was sitting around for a long time is becaause it was. It was supposed to be a part of a script by Rocco on this board called "Horror Shows." He had indicated it was fine and it would be a part of his script. Time went on and I didn't hear from him. But then I saw the script posted here without my short. So on a whim without looking at any further I posted it. Guess it's not very good. No problem. I prefer people telling me the truth then I move on. I'll just throw this one in the crapper, no biggie. Thanks for your honesty.  Marvin.

Hey, Marvin, there you are.  I was worried you were pissed, and weren't going to even reply.

So, question for you...is this supposed to be taken seriously, or is it some kind of comedy?  As I commented, the tone is off all over the place and I couldn't figure out what it wanted to be or was trying to be.

Sorry for the harsh tone to my feedback.

Dreamscale, I never get pissed when somebody gives their opinion, especially if it is not in a mean spirited manner. I have been around too long to get upset. I slways take comments good or bad and try to learn from them. So no I am not pissed quite the contrary. I am happy to get your critique and I know I will learn from your comments.  Marvin.