An Attorney Defender by Jacob Greenberg - Short, Comedy - It is dangerous to get into conflict with children. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Jacob,

I'm fairly new here but I'll take a stab at it.

First off, your formatting is not correct. If you intend to continue writing and have readers take your story seriously, you need to formate it properly. There are many software programs on the net to choose from.

Now for your story. You should have a title page. Your pages should be numbered. Scenes should be set, i.e. EXT. Exterior - INT. Interior. Day or Night.

Give your characters names and briefly describe them. I think it holds the interest of the reader when they know their names and what they look like.

The story is, to me, a sad commentary on todays liberal approach to the judicial system and peoples fear of offending the parents of someones child who is grossly misbehaving. I see a bit of a political overtone here so I won't get too political, just observational and leave it at that.

Scale of 1-10...5.

Good luck in future endevers.

Write on,

Peter

I agree with Peter on the format, titles etc all need to be in tune with standards and expectations.

There are many scripts to read on this site so have a look and revise.

As to the story, it has flaws but I liked something about it. The diallogue from the parents seems a bit weak but the underlying idea of a child helping out his parents because they are scared of the law, has some appeal.

Best of luck with any changes.

I read this the other day and I saw the comments here and I felt I should weigh in. This gets lost between idea and story, and lacks both irony and relevance.

It is in fact not dangerous to get into conflict with children because nothing dangerous happens here. Also, as I mentioned, nothing ironic happens.

For example, the husband and wife don't argue about approaching the child, the child is mean for no apparent reason and then runs off, saying he didn't mean it. Yes, this might happen in real life, but real life is not always the stuff of comedy or drama.

Actions, in a film, need purpose, and no one here is properly motivated. We have a political or social observation which is first mentioned in the logline and then reiterated from the husband to the wife, and not much else.

As for involving the son as a "proper" method of scaring the child off, no physical contact with the misbehaving child, from anyone of any age, is appropriate, assuming these people are rational, and they appear to be.