The Engineer and The Architect by Christopher West (thesecond) - Short, Drama - Two talents which are linked naturally by aspirations can be a powerful catalyst for accomplishment. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for posting!  

Don't think I have read anything by the new kid yet.  I suspect I am not getting this, and the significance of the unused bridge eludes me.  I expected them to create some conglomeration of their ideas as opposed to something altogether unrelated to anything they had done prior.

It has a nice fairy-tale quality, as stories with a narrator often do, but I think you may be using the narrator a bit much.  Too much narration begins to feel like you are force-feeding us your thoughts, if that makes sense.

Others will likely comment on the V.O., and there is usually disagreement on this issue as to how much (if any at all, even) is too much.  Myself, I would cut it by about half -- but be aware of the controversy that surrounds this technique, and listen to what others have to say -- although in the end, you really have to trust your own instincts.  

The way you have broken up the dialogue between page 2 and 3 is not acceptable.  There is a way to do that (look it up), but I find it is easier to just space down a few lines to the next page and avoid breaking any dialogue at all. Nobody will ever complain about a few extra lines of white space along the bottom of the page.

Quick notes:  "Establishing" is not necessary, wasted words. I am confused by all the B&W you insert here and there; if it is not all in B&W, when are we going back to color?  Clarify your intent there.  Watch your use of "we" and "us", which you might be using to excess here.  Minimal use of that is always best.

So, I liked it for the most part -- but would like it better if I understood it a little better.  I think your vision is intact with this piece -- and the tone is right -- but you might want to examine it for more clarity.

And accomplish this clarity with images as opposed to more narration.

Bert, thanks for the read.  Man!  I thought the narration was minimal!  Truly I did.  I rewrote this 7 times before I felt it was solid.  

The bridge is a collaboration between the two, as opposed to each trying to solve the problems of the other.  

I agree on the B&W as well.  My goal is an attempt at an 'artsy' short, so I wanted the color to represent positive aspects of the characters arc.  I could of formatted that aspect clearer.  

Being in the industry, I had to take a look.

This is a love story that reads like poetry yet at the same time you create good images. Keep the love story, keep the images...ditch the poetry.

What compelled you to have a narrator? I pulled out the narrator and I liked the story better. I don't remember what the narrator said but I remember the images that told the story. I'd ditch the narrator, too.

Much of the work they perform individually and corporately should be a series of shots to show time, otherwise you have them making a bridge in about fifteen seconds. I know your intent but it is a script after all and it's technical by nature, so follow some technical rules and you will better convey what you want to convey.

I don't understand the ending.

Girl meets boy, they have a connection, their visions are shown apart then they get a common vision, yet it's not fully realized. If a common vision is realized then I think you have an ending.

The story is about two talented people who have a goal (the green of nature) but have personal fears (the river) that is keeping them from reaching said goal.  The Engineer is afraid of heights, yet continues to build things that only make her fear more real (kite,etc).  The architect is afraid of drowning, yet continues to design solutions that keep his fear real (submarine.)  

They meet by chance, and realize what the other's fear is, so they each attempt to help the other person and solve their problems for them.  Which doesn't work, it never does.  Its not until they work together and build a bridge, (not to high for heights, but just over the water to prevent drowning), that they understand there is nothing to fear to begin with, (hence the river was never there to begin with, only their fear of a river.) and the goal (nature) was right in front of them the whole time.  

It's not a love story.  Its a story about teamwork and overcoming problems.  

This is being filmed right now.  

I like the narrator.  I understand why some wouldn't, but I wrote in a narrator to add to the 'fairy tale' quality of the story.  The world they live in is make believe...

It will be a nice short.

fingers crossed, the director is afraid of heights...  thanks for the read and comments, I appreciate it.

Yeah - I liked this. You clearly took my advise on thinking about your work more (very :),:)).

This was clearly (and cleverly) layered, and nicely referenced with all the objects on the wall.

There were two flaws for me, and these have been referred to above.

1. The narration - overall I liked it, but I think it requires a little more variety - it does come across as preachy (and a little like the Honda advert) - could you ask a couple of questions (via the narrator?) - just some variation in the intent of the dialogue, maybe question 'things' etc.

2. The ending - I totally agreed with, but I completely missed the point at which the river disappeared - I think it needs to be made clear that the river is gone - I was aware while reading the script that it was multi-layered, and that I would probably need to give it another read, but it still took a real double-check to see it was gone - and this is a central point - only having the bridge allowed me to make a vague connection, but I think there should have been more.

Overall a nice feel to it, intriguing and captivating, brings itself full circle, and resolves issues shared by both main characters; intelligently thought out - no major problems with the formatting - (use - (more) - for dialogue), nice pace, good descriptions that were in keeping with the intent of the piece. Minor grammar (skip is across). Good all round.

Now. Do you still wish to defend 'Bitter Sweet'..? ;D

Hey C,

I read Clorox' post before reading the script and based on his review I skipped the VOs when I read your script (I did go back and read the VOs afterwards). Clorox's right imo. The narrator doesn't bring anything to the table that isn't already there.

And what's there is what counts. A cute little story. Maybe a little too cute. It's not that there weren't an obstacle - because there obviously were - but the obstacle is not all that oomphy, you know?

Morality tales, at least those where the morality tale is the tale, are - to me - rarely entertaining because you quickly feel like you're being spoonfed and this script is no different.

The end quote can obviously be interpreted in different ways and your definition of it is perfectly valid, but - while reading the script - I did not see any of those fears you mention, fear of drowning and flying. The way I saw it, and the way I interpret the quote, is two people who wants to get across the water (over or under or whatever) but what they really need is to learn to work together. Also, I didn't see the woods as being particular important to them - actually I had already forgotten about the woods.

I though the writing itself could have been tighter. It was overly detailed in some places and made the read feel longer than it had to.

A couple of weird phrases, nothing major.

Quoted Text In a flash of color both finally get it and start running together as fast as they can!

I'm seeing two people running head first into each other. Maybe they are (which just makes it weirder).

All in all, it just wasn't my thing.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Chris,

I much prefer the intimate clarity here to The Verdict's mammoth scale.
This piece has an allegorical fantasy element at work, which I like.
The narration was a slog for me, dragged down an otherwise engaging fable.
I learned nothing from the voice over that your well chosen images weren't illustrating.
If anything, the narrator almost brought a satirical tone to the pages.
Telegraphing themes like that pigeonholes the script into mediocrity.


Too flowery for it's own good at times, but still effective overall. Good work.

Regards,
E.D.

A nice story about working together to solve a problem.  

There were a couple spelling errors.  Engineered, its.

It was a little unclear as to what was being shown when they installed the bridge.

I didn't feel as though I had wasted my time reading it.  Which is nice.

Thanks to all for the read and the comments.  Seems the narrator is the red-headed step child of the script, so I'll talk to the Director and get her take on how we should punish him.  When I wrote the first version I omitted the narrator, but the Director asked to see him included, so I obliged.  She never asked to remove him after that, so I assumed I was doing the script a favor.  Maybe not!  

E.D., I would guess the 'flowery' aspect comes from me writing this specifically for a girl, I hear they like flowers...  

Rob, I was trying to get the color of the film to almost play a part in the story if that makes sense, but I can see why that particular line would seem confusing.  Also, there's nothing funnier than two people who run right into each other!  

007!!!  Thank you for being the bigger person and extending the olive branch, I appreciate it.  My ardent defense of Bitter Sweet is more politically motivated than anything else, so perhaps I'll write a new script based on the concept of 'collateral damage' and see if I can get your seal of approval on that one instead!  ;)

Thanks again!  

Quoted from TheSecond ...I would guess the 'flowery' aspect comes from me writing this specifically for a girl, I hear they like flowers...

I knew it was a love story... ::)

Lol!!!  Don't tell my wife...!   ;)

I'm a beginner at this, but this was one of my favorites I've read as far as being a short. At first, I didn't like all the narrator V.O but I can visualize how this would look on screen. This would be low budget and it has such an artsy appeal. As someone said before, it read almost like poetry.

I found one error: The Engineered is now stunned...prolly meant Engineer. The camera shots and angles didn't bother me in this short because it helped me visualize what you wanted the reader to see.

Great work IMO.

Thank you very much, I appreciate your comments.  This has been filmed over the last 2 weeks and I am really excited to see the finished product.  Stay tuned!