Go Get The Girl by Grant Lee - Drama, Teen Romance - 15-year-old Alex has fallen completely in love with the beautiful Chastity Wilcox. After nervously asking her to the school dance, they spend the next day together acting as adult like as possible by attending open houses and test driving cars; but when Alex is found to be driving without a license, Chastity’s parents send her to England for her own “safety.” Now Alex will do anything to get her back! 99 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Grant - this was okay, but there are some issues with it:

# She is stunning! Even in an almost colorless reflection of
the glass.

- The sentence struture here is wrong - 'even' is a continuation of the previous sentence.

- The dialogue is too 'on the nose'; it needs to be a little bit more subtle:
ALEX
When is your birthday?
CHASTITY
My birthday is in September.

should be:

CHASTITY
It's September.

(or similar)

Shorten when you can. There are lots of examples of this, especially with Reuben's early dialogue.

- The order of descriptions needs correcting - when you begin the scene, you don't include any descriptions, but later say that the cafeteria is crowded; in order to set the scene, you need to put this information in sooner.

- Some of the writing is too much like prose: you are writing in the style that you would for a novel. Scripts need to be written in a  concise 'manifestation orientated' manner. That means that you need to concentrate on visual and auditory functions - what you can see and hear, and deliver with brevity.

The story, I quite liked - I didn't read it all, but it seemed like quite a sweet tale, and it's worth pursuing, it's just that your writing style - for the sake of scripts - will need to be tightened up.

Remember to use 'mini-slugs', and try and fit narrative descriptions (action lines) to one 'beat' of the film (one scene) so that:

The DJ cuts in with a slow song. Alex takes Chastity's cup,
along with his own, and sets them down on a nearby table. He
then grasps her hand firmly and slowly leads her through the
crowd to the dance floor. They find a small open space
between several dancing couples and she quickly places her
arms around his neck; he follows by placing his hands on her
waist.

- should read something similar to:

THE DJ
cuts in with a slow song.

ALEX
takes Chastity's cup, and with his own, sets them on a table; grasps her hand and
leads her to the

DANCE FLOOR
they find a small open space; she places her arms around his neck; he places
his hands on her waist.

The same effect is achieved, uses less words, and it acknowledges the scene changes.

Best of luck with it

Simon.