Hi PJ,
First impressions:
Remove your logline from your title page.
Skimming through it, there’s a lot of black. This isn’t good. It might be some of the best writing since Dickens, but if you have any intention of selling this thing, agents and producers will be very put off by the blocky passages.
Onto the script…
Page 1 – I definitely see some trimming that can be done. (This is good!)
INT. NIGHT RAILROAD OFFICE
A large steel-faced wall clock reads 11:40 and continues to
loudly tick off the seconds. Below the clock is a bulletin
board with various notes, train schedules, a poster of UNCLE
SAM pointing saying I want YOU for the US Army. Pinned on
the board directly under the imposing clock is a war bond
calendar showing the date is 1943 December 31.
First, your slug needs work. It should read:
INT. RAILROAD OFFICE – NIGHT
Second, the only thing I find remotely important about the description of the office is the calendar showing the date. Hell, I’ll even give you the benefit of the doubt and say the wall clock is important to:
Pinned on a bulletin board is a war bond calendar. The date is
1943 December 31. Above that, a steel-faced clock reads 11:40.
The next paragraph is similar. You wrote:
In the middle of the office is a potbelly stove with a
roaring fire. ANGELO stands warming himself by the fire.
ANGELO is draft-age, pale and desiccated. It is uncertain
if he is a citizen, Mexican national or angel of death.
There’s just too much, as well as an unfilmable (are we supposed to guess that he could be a citizen or the angel of death? That’s definitely two ends of a very broad spectrum).
Trim it up:
In the middle of the office, ANGELO, draft-age, pale and
desiccated, warms himself by a potbelly stove.
Page 2 – The beats in Buck’s dialogue are incorrectly formatted. Your beats are written like a character is speaking. What screenwriting program are you using?
Also, you only keep a character’s name in ALL CAPS for their introduction and dialogue. Otherwise, it should be written normally (ex. instead of “BUCK sniffs heavily,” just write “Buck sniffs heavily”).
Page 5 – I’ve noticed your descriptions and action lines are now italicized. They shouldn’t be.
Page 6 – Another unfilmmable:
ANGELO is now convinced that all three are up to the task
and the killing is going to happen as planned.
Don’t tell us this—show it.
I’m going to stop with the formatting critiques and focus more on the story, because what you’ve got here is actually pretty good.
I actually enjoyed the dialogue. There’s a lot of it, and most of it comes from Buck, but you’ve done a fine job giving him the characteristics of a motormouth without overdoing it and becoming annoying. I also enjoyed Angelo’s quiet demeanor, Louie’s nervousness, and bullying Johnny Foreman’s forcefulness. Your characters are all solid.
I really enjoyed the ending, mostly because you did a great job building the suspense by keeping the characters—and your audience—in the dark. Smart move.
Correct your formatting mistakes and tighten up your descriptions, and this has the potential to be something really great.
Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
Chris